How can I find joy despite my miserable marriage...?

Question

There's not enough time or space in the world for me to explain my circumstances in detail, but suffice it to say I am in a loveless, disrespectful (he is), alcoholic (he is), miserable marriage. I am not leaving. I made a covenant promise to God to honor my vows, so please don't waste your time telling me why I should leave. I already know I would be happier if I did. My question to the Christians on here (I am one) is, how can I find joy each day despite my miserable situation? I find it hard to even connect with God anymore because I am so depressed. I don't blame him. I just can't connect with him. Any suggestions?

Samantha - He says he believes in God and believes Jesus is the son of God. So yes, he calls himself a Christian, in that sense. However, as far as I can tell, he does not have a personal relationship with God.

For clarification, yes, we have seen a Christian marriage counselor. Unfortunately, it's only useful (for your marriage) if both parties are willing to give 100%. As you can probably imagine from the description of my marriage, my husband would rather point fingers and stew in his own drunken thoughts that to work on how he can be a better husband/contributor to this marriage.

Answer 1

Please read the book that started me on journey of self-discovery and self-fulfillment and changed my perspective of life to one of joy, despite current circumstances.

Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, and any other book by either Neale Donald Walsch or Wayne Dyer. There are some other powerful and empowering books by Jerry and Esther Hicks and the teachings of Abraham. I suggest starting with Ask and It Is Given.

You can learn to find joy and peace within yourself regardless of your external circumstances and these books emphasize that, in a spiritual way.

Sending you love, light and blessing with this message! :)

Answer 2

Hi. I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a life partner must be just awful and I can't even imagine your pain! I'll bet he wouldn't want to see you so sad and depressed tho. I think you should go see a grief counselor. Maybe get some antidepressents for the time being. Grief in it's fullest can be the loneliest time ever. Your'e stiil relatively a young woman still. What are your passions? Do you love animals? Why not volunteer at a shelter. Or at a hospice store. Do you have a pet? If not, would you consider adopting one? Do you have a friend you can just go shopping with? Spend some money on something frivolous. Ever thought of a tattoo or an extra ear piercing? Maybe join a gym. Do you have grandkids that you can take for a weekend and take to a movie or the zoo? Or take a college course on something that really interests you. I know it may be too soon for big life changes, but there will come a time where you need to realize your'e alive! You will see your beloved husband again, but for now you must carry on. Be all that you can . Remember, your'e still a young chick in todays world!

Answer 3

First, your covenant with your husband and with God does not require that you live with an abusive man. If you do not acknowledge that sometimes divorce is necessary, even if not a good thing, then you could still separate. That would be respecting the human dignity that God gave you.
Second, you should talk to a minister or a counselor or both.
Third, joy is a sign of the presence of God in your life. It is not the same as happiness which comes and goes. Joy is not affected by external conditions, not matter how awful, since it comes from God. No matter what awful things the world or other people, even a spouse, can bring, no one can take joy away from someone who certainly knows the love of God in their life.
You need someone to counsel you and help you to discover God's presence and love in your life.

Answer 4

Find a spiritual director that you respect. I am not going to waste space telling you to stay or go---but there ARE circumstances where women can be encouraged to do that---from a Christian standpoint. Only a minister or priest or a trained spiritual director can really point you in a good direction.

As far as finding joy.....the other reason to find a good spiritual director is that they can help you work on YOU. Alanon is not a bad idea either. I am a ACOA and alcoholism effects all those around you. However, you need to know that the only one you can change is you and the reality is that-----we do in fact contribute to our unhappiness. Codependancy is a hard cycle to break.

Know that Jesus has a plan in all of this. Sometimes it is to show us what real joy is in the long run.....

Answer 5

SweetGracey,

I'm sorry to read about your tragic state; oftentimes, one wonders how two mature persons who vowed to love one another till death do them part would end having a hellish life with one another.

Marriage is a two-way affair. Have you (both of you) tried professional help?

I'm sorry I'm no marriage counsellor. All I can do is emphatize with you. But even, in such a sorry state,live, love life and trust and have faith in the Lord; don't lose out on life and the love it dispenses.

There is always a time and a reason for everything under the heavens and as Ecclecsiates has it in Chapter 7,verse 3:" sorrow is better than laughter, for when the face is sad the heart grows wiser".

Always remember, God loves you and there are still a lot of peole who loves you. Take care.

Answer 6

You were only married until death do you part. This marriage was an earthly marriage and was not sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise. Thank God. In this life you have chosen to stick it out thus far. Know that this life time here on earth is short, endure it well and you will be blessed with a worthy male partner to spend the eternities with. Now think about that. Aren't you glad it isn't forever. Try to be patient and just work on strenthening your relationship with God. Be of service to your husband and others and forget about yourself and you will be blessed.

Answer 7

First of all, have you sought marriage counseling? Your pastor might be of help, or might at least be able to refer you to someone who can. If you've tried that and it didn't work, then have you tried getting involved in activities outside your home? Since you're a Christian, perhaps joining the choir or working with the youth group? It sounds like the only way you're going to find joy is outside the confines of your relationship with your husband. If you don't believe in divorce, you can at least supplement the poor marriage with friendships and activities from which you CAN find joy.

Answer 8

I would suggest getting plugged in at a church, if you're not already at one, and get some marriage counseling from a Pastor or someone. That is, if you can convince him to go.

The best thing you can do though is to give. I know you don't have a lot right now, but God will fill you with His Spirit to pour out love on people over and over again. Get involved in a church where you can spread your love and knowledge and have people there to support you and listen to you. People who will love you and you can love back.

Also get involved in some kind of community service or sponsor a child in a third world country. "He who gives to the poor will lack nothing" (Proverbs 28:27) God will provide.

And of course..."Pray without ceasing." (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

Keep on fighting!

Much love.

Answer 9

I'm going to join the chorus of voices asking if you have tried marriage counseling. Either through your church with clergy or a Christian-based or Christian-friendly counselor. I would also strongly suggest that if your husband refuses to attend counseling with you, to see someone on your own. Even if he doesn't want to acknowledge the problems in your lives, you can still seek out a professional and find ways to cope as best as possible.

My only caution would be to avoid clergy or counselors, anybody really, who tries to blame you for your husband's problems. There's a big difference between taking responsibility for your actions in life and carrying the blame for someone else's poor choices.

Checking out a local Al-Anon group might be very beneficial too. If you've never been to a support group of any kind before, I can assure you that they can be a wonderful place to learn, share, vent, whatever you need.

Answer 10

Have you talked to your preacher about it? I know some churches offer free counseling to whoever is in need of it (my church is one of them). I would go to a Christian Marriage Counseling, preferably by a pastor. But also talk to your husband. He needs to know how you feel. Even if you don't think he's listening, he is, or at least his subconscious is. And pray. I know how hard it is when you feel your world is turned upside down. You know God is there, you just can't see Him. You're stuck down in a deep valley and God is hiding behind Mt. Everest. If you call out, He will answer. Maybe not how or when you want Him to, but He will according to His Will.

I thank you for sticking with your marriage. Not too many people do anymore and it is hurting our society with each divorce. I hope and pray for the best for you.