My marriage is falling apart because of?

Question

so so so many reasons (not worth writing it all here - too long). I have been married 25 years and so it's not like I didn't give it a good try. I'm so unhappy and we are pretty much roommates at this point. I am not OLD (well, some of you may think so but just wait till you are there.......). Anyway, counseling is not something that will help. I don't know what to do. I have no money - splitting the "stuff" and my almost adult son who would be traumatized (believe it or not) if he knew. Plus his girlfriend is pregnant and they need me here. How do you get out and survive if you feel you really need to? It's hard enough making the bills with 2 checks. I don't know what to do. Are you supposed to just live with it and fake happy? Things have been so bad for so long!!

NO - NO PHYSICAL ABUSE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

Answer 1

I was in a similar situation. My x wanted to split. My son was in high school. I don't make a lot of money. My son took charge just like an adult!! He found us a place we could afford for us to live. It wasn't much, but it was a 'happy' home. We did ok after that. I don't regret none of it at all.

Answer 2

I was in a similar situation 15 yrs ago. We had little money. I was a stay at home Mom with an 8 yr old and a 1 yr old. We had just bought a house and could barely make ends meet. I was unhappy, had been for a long time. I bit the bullet, obtained a job as a receptionist, gave up the house as the mortgage payment was too much. Eventually got a better job with the state, met a wonderful man with children my children's age and we are living happily ever after. I was sure when I was stuck in this marriage that there was no way out. I found out and now have a very different and very wonderful life. We courageously do what we have to do to be happy. Had I stayed in that relationship I don't think I'd be alive now.

Answer 3

Get out and tell your son. He must know don't tell me if it's been that bad for that long that he doesn't know something. Maybe you and the kids can get a place and split the bills. They will need the help with a baby coming anyway. Don't spend the rest of your life miserable honey you don't have to. Start trying to put away a little money now. Even at 25 a week you have 1200 in a year seems like long time but so is the rest of your life. Please get out and be happy. Your not old but why wait till you are to be happy. Your son wants you to be happy to I'm sure.....

Answer 4

25 years is a long time ... and unless you're willing to spend the next 25 years feeling the way you do, I STRONGLY suggest counseling. But do this for you, AND your son. You have many fears blocking your path out of your unhappiness, and it's next to impossible to overcome them by yourself.

Speaking from my own 19 year union (we never officially married - my long story! - and two sons 19, and 21) ... 3 years ago, I was able to find the courage to leave a loveless, going nowhere, living-like-roommates relationship. It's rough at times, but I'm doing it!

It doesn't sound like you've got anything left to give to your marriage, so it's time to stop trying so hard! The energy you've expended all these years can be put to good use, now, by becoming extremely selfish, and realizing you deserve some happiness and peace in your life. Don't you?

Answer 5

I think I understand and I feel compassion for you. I went through the same thing myself and it is hard, but not impossible. The biggest problem was believing that I might not be ok financially or emotionally. The second largest problem was procrastinating year after year, afraid to make a decision. Worried about whether I would end up old and alone with 6 cats... worried if I would only see my children and grandchildren at Christmas when they came for "their" presents.... worrried that I was too old to attract someone new (and exciting).. etc. etc. etc.

But none of this was true. The only thing to fear was my negative and insecure thoughts. I've been single now for two years and it is truly ok. I went back to school and became a Counselor. I enjoy helping people to see the light shining at the end of the tunnel. Sure, I have less money so I decreased my expenditures. It's a major life adjustment, but a worthwhile one if you are truly unhappy in your marriage.

Answer 6

My aunt was in the same situation and after what seemed like years her late husband moved down to the basement and he lived down there and she lived upstairs, they came to an agreement because they both didn't want to move and both didn't have the money to either, so they split the cost of the bills and she did her own thing and he did his I don't know if this is the answer, and I don't know how great the living arrangements were but she lived like this until her husband passed away a few years ago, i never directly heard of any real bad problems but again, I didn't live there either? I personnaly belive that is no way to live, and you can't just stay to not hurt your son, he will understand some day.

Answer 7

It really seems that either with your husband or friend, you might need to share a place with someone. I don't think anyone can fake that much happiness when the the boat is sinking. If you and your husband can't see a counselor together then perhaps get one for yourself. And for your almost adult son that has his girlfriend knocked up ,shouldn't be putting the burden on you. Sounds like they are living with you. Try to find some happiness in all that's going on around you with getting out to lunch with some friends. I am sorry I just can't get over you being worried so much about your son being traumatized ! Perhaps take him with you to a counselor instead of your husband.

Answer 8

Sounds like you've got your mind made up. Well, be the first to file papers. You need to talk to a lawyer.

The cheapest is to join a "legal network" you'll get a discount on your hourly rate by the lawyer.

You CAN survive, you're just not USED to making it on your own.

You need to start saving money, talk to a lawyer and start deciding what you want to take. You can leave or you can ask him to leave. If you want less problems and if you don't have any children living at home, you should leave. AFTER you speak with an attorney. Find a cheap apt. close to where you work.

Keep your mouth shut about where you're headed, get a lawyer, save money and go to COUNSELING solo. After 25 yrs you'll be feeling some POWERFUL emotions and you'll need to be able to cope.

Good luck and start acting...

Answer 9

That's a really bad deal, I'm sorry that you're having a tough time. All I can say is I have many friends who have gotten out of marriages like that and they needed help with medical insurance housing and job training, and they were able to receive it. Their standard of living did drop temporarily.

No matter how bad your financial situation is, if you can free yourself of a bad marriage, sure it will get worse in he short term but as you said youself you are not OLD, and you will build a new kind of life that is based on independence and self-respect and you will probably find more people who are willing to help you up then you think. Good luck

Answer 10

Been there!!!! i know how you feel you feel stuck, like it will be impossible to make it on your own,but the truth is staying if you are unhappy is not healthy.. i did it for awhile because i had a young child then until finally i had enough and believe it or not it was not as difficult as i thought it would be.. don't get me wrong it was hard and many times i questioned myself but it worked out...
taking the first step is always the hardest thing to do,but if you feel that lost then you need to find yourself.. and don't worry you will be stronger for your son... Good Luck!!