How can I let my mother-in-law understand how I feel about her and get my husband to defend me and my kids?

Question

Since day one my mother-in-law has been very negative towards me. My husband doesn't say anything to her and when I bring up how she hurts my feelings he ignores the conversation. She doesn't approve of how my husband and I live. Every time she comes over she thinks the house is trashy looking. What she fails to realize is that we have a five and three year old running around the house playing. She doesn't care who's around, she has said some pretty mean and hurtful things in front of my kids, like about my ethnic background. She blames me for not allowing my husband to sleep. She's stuck in the 1950's where the mom was suppose to be a robot. Take care of the house, kids and husband. Can somebody please give me some advice on how to handle her without loosing my cool?

Answer 1

I basically have the same problem, been married for 26 years, 2 daughters, 1 grandson, and 1 nightmare from hell mother in law living with us since suffering 2 major strokes 5 years ago. She also has hated me since day 1, that I was never good enough for her daughter. My wife sticks up for her mom no matter what I or the girls say. She has 6 other children to go to but my wife was favorite. There is really no easy way to tell your mother in law what you would really love to tell her as you know she will go directly to her son and tell him you are causing trouble and dont like her. Your husband wont stand up for you against her because hes afraid of her and the trouble itll cause. Its like a no win situation unless you move out of state. There isnt a day that goes by I wish my mother in law would move on to be with her late husband but things just dont happen as we would like them to. So your best bet is probably to do nothing unless you can deal with something you probably dont want or need. If your kids are old enough to understand like mine are, try and explain the situation to them and try to be patient as time changes all things. good luck

Answer 2

are you my sister-in-law cause you have my mother in law. hate to tell you this but I've been married almost 35 years and NOTHING has changed. Except for this horrible fact......she had heart surgery 5 years ago and moved in with us. I know how you feel. I am married to her favorite son. My husband left the newspaper scattered on the floor and I asked him to pick it up when he came in from work.(we both work) He had not done it by the time I got home. I groaned and started picking it up. His mother said I should not complain cause he works so hard. I could have strangled her. As far as ethnic cracks, her grandson married a beautiful mexican/american girl. I was shocked when my MIL started in about her. So I do understand your situation. Talk to your husband about backing you up or refuse to go to her house. And what ever you do DONOT let her move in with you.
Mine is 86 now and my hopes go up everytime she says she doesnt feel good. That is a horrible way to be but it is a fact of life.

Answer 3

First, you sound like a good mother and no one should expect your house to look perfect when you have children. And, just for the record, it isn't anyone business how your house looks. If you and your husband like the way it looks, so be it. I must confess that I am a mother-in-law. However, I decided along time ago not to be a butinski. She needs to let go of her son and realize that she raised her son to have his own family. Maybe it would be helpful to talk with hubby and ask him to stand up for you. I would tell "Mom" that hubby is full grown and he decides when he sleeps or when he doesn't. I really do feel for you. It isn't easy feeling like your in the middle. Good luck!

Answer 4

Have you ever seen the television show "Everybody Loves Raymond?" If not, you need to tune in to the repeats. For one thing it will help you to see a humorous side of what you are going through. Many people will probably advise you to get your husband to stand up to her, but the reality is, if he hasn't done it yet, he's not going to do it. It's all up to you. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. If your mother in law is saying something against your ethnic background, you need to reply by telling her how biggoted her remarks are. Defend yourself whenever she says something nasty. Perhaps your husband will join you, perhaps he will not. But if this continues, you need to cut ties if you are able. Your husband is a wimp and he should be told that. And he deserves the title of "ex-husband" if this continues.

Answer 5

Your husband needs to deal with this, it's his mother. You tell him he needs to handle it and state the rules of how you are to be treated or you want no further contact with her. If the house is truly trashed, ask her to watch the kids once a week so you can clean. The ethnic background stuff would happen one time if it was me. Not only is she disrespecting you, but your children as well.

Answer 6

Wow, that doesn't sound nice for you at all!! I've been there, done that, so I know exactly how you feel. However, your husband is going to have to put his foot down with her, and let his mom know that YOU are his wife, the mother of his children, and if she can't respect that, then...... Does she just pop over unannounced? If you bring up the conversation (the one you really need to have) with your husband, and he doesn't want to listen, you are just going to have to make him sit there and hear you out. It can cause such a horrible rift between you two, and you don't want it to get to that point. Best of luck to you....

Answer 7

Damn girl same problem here and I mean same problem but I have a 2 and 1 year old that get into everything!!! I have learned to let it go in one ear out the other and when she is talking her stuff I just think in my head f*cken b*tch and if she tries to argue with me I just start laughing because no matter what she thinks or wants me to do I am not going to do it and I am going to do whatever I want because it is our life and not ours. I told her once unless you start paying our bills you need to shut up and if you do not keep your opinions to yourself you are not welcome in my house.