Should you hit and argue with your adult child age 18 and 21?

Question

Family member is an over-protected mother who doesn't see she has an issue on how her parental skills may be affecting them ages 21, 18 and 9. Any advice of what I should do? I'm a Preschool teacher so my job is to observe behavior in class so, I told her she needs to stop yelling at her 9 yr old for having some fears. I told her she needs to stop picking the men in her 18 and 21lives. She insists not to kick them out for she doesn't want harm to happen to them. Need your help. It goes on forever but I finally got tired of seeing and hearing about it so I spoke my mind. She denies it. She feels I'm the one with the issues. She insists I have OCD and she doesn't hold a Phd. to be able to diagnois me so, I told her that she cannot do that but I do hold a degree as a Teacher which I have all legal rights to express my concerns of abuse and she got upset and hung up on the phone with me. Was I wrong to have mentioned that to her?

Note: I am a parent of a 21 yr old and I did speak to her reasonably and showed her literature about abuse. She denies it. Thanks for the comments and I will stay away from her until she realizes her problems.

Answer 1

no you don't hit and argue. let the child have his/her freedom. you might not get to see your child at 22. (death) stay away from the issue. don't get involved with this situation.

Answer 2

By the time kids are old enough to hit back, it's (a) dangerous and (b) futile to hit them. If they haven't learned proper behaviour by about 12, it's too late. If they haven't been *shown* proper behaviour (based on our story) what's the point? If they're 18, it's criminal assault.

I don't object to force when necessary to discipline a child. My father (in a bygone era) broke his boomerang collection over mine and my brothers backsides... But there are several points:

Don't hit in anger. A child can tell if you're just hauling off and whacking them because you're mad. They learn that's normal behaviour. (By contrast, my dad would stand us in the corner for an hour, then have the "talk" -"you know what you did wrong, why I have to do this..." then we'd be more relieved just to get it over with.)

If you make life miserable for your kids, they will leave. Maybe not right away, but when they can, or when it's the final straw. Worse, they will be tempted to move in with the first guy that offers, if it looks better than at home. Once they're 21 or 18, how will you stop them?

You ain't gonna win with your family member. If that's the way she's been for 21 years, a short phone conversation isn't going to change her. I bet even electroshock therapy won't change the mom. Just tell the kids you're there for them. However, having stuck your nose into it, you may find yourself with a few houseguests... And, just because the mom's a beeyotch, doesn't mean those kids can't be annoying too.

Be careful before you try to solve someone else's problems for them, uninvited.

Answer 3

I always wondered this. maximum will be boned-headed adequate to inform an 18 365 days previous he ought to act mature, get a job, pay his personal costs, connect the military. yet crack open a lager and improve you're purely a baby. Theres a reason maximum different countrys inspect us as dumb. What do i imagine? maximum of those 30+ 365 days olds are brainwashed to believe in spite of age the regulation says is fantastic, is the proper age. For 30+ years they were brainwashed to believe 21 is the proper age and any youthful is poor. in my view i imagine it may well be 20, you're not from now on a baby or teen. you at the prompt are a youthful adult. it is once you deserve a drink.

Answer 4

You could call CPS and explain the situation and let them handle it if you think its that bad.

You could also invite your nine yr old niece to stay some at your place or even the adult kids.

Make your home a safe place for them to come to and give everyone in the family a break from all the problems. That might help more than arguing with the mother about her behaviors.

Answer 5

Well, i think you stepped over the line (but that's ok and not really the issue here.) Clearly mentioning this to her didn't help. A better way to approach this is to call Social Services to report that the 9 year old may be at risk.
Good luck!

Answer 6

One human being should never hit another human being. Period. If you are aware of abuse and you don't report it, especially with the nine year old, you are guilty of a felony according to Missouri law, where i live. I don't know the law in your state, but not reporting it is reprehensible. This woman is an abuser. I don't care if you have a Phd from God himself, anyone with an ounce of sense and compassion will call the police.

Answer 7

Hitting or even shouting is going to take you away from your child. The path of understanding and loving is little to long but for sure it works.

Things can defenately be sorted out by talking peacefully.

Answer 8

Parrenting is a sore subject, you can suggest but be careful, until you have been a parent you don't know what she's going through. A little help would be better than a world of advice.

Answer 9

If you think she is hitting her kids shouldn't you report it to CPS? Most teachers are required by law to report that. It's not a teacher's job to deal with the parent. There are people who are trained to help in those situations.

Answer 10

You were right to have mentioned it to her. The older children are of legal age and can leave it they want to. The nine year old is helpless and needs an advocate.