10 points to the person who gives me the best sex joke or riddle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a BJ.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Answer 2

Ok there is a old couple laying in bed, the wife is just relaxing and the husband is reading a book. 20 minutes have gone by and the husband starts to fondle the wife vagina. He does this for about 10 minutes and then stops and reades hie book agian. While the husband is reading his book the wife gets up and takes off her nightgown and starts rubbing on her breast. The husband confused asks, ''What are you doing?'' The wife says that she thought that he want to have sex. The husband goes no I was just weting my fingers so that I could turn the page.


I know it's not the best joke but it's all I've got.

Answer 3

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Answer 4

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

Answer 5

OY! This one is long and it's my third time typing it today! Oh well, here we go...

There's a husband and a wife. One day the garbage disposal is broken.
- "Honey, will you fix the garbage disposal?"
- "No. What do I look like? Tom the plumber?"
Then, the door is off the hinges.
- "Honey, will you fix the door?"
- "No. What do i look like? Tom the repair man?"
Finally, the grass needs to be cut.
- "Honey, will you mow the lawn?"
-"No. What do i look like? Tom the yardboy?"

Well, the husband leaves to go golfing and when he returns the door is fixed, the grass is cut and the garbage disposal is running.
-" Who fixed all this?"
- "Oh! The next-door neighbor John. He's really nice."
-"Did you pay him?"
- "Well, he said I could make him brownies or have sex with him."
- "You made him brownies!"
-"No! What do i look like? Betty Crocker?"

One more:
One day a man walks into church. When he reaches the administrative part, he asks the nun:
- Are there any midget nuns here?
- No sir.
-Are there any midget nuns in this country?
The nun checked her files.
- No sir.
-Are there any midget nuns in the world?
- I'm sorry but no sir.
Disheartened, the man leaves and meets his friend by the car. His friend asks:
-Any midget nuns?
- No...
- Ha! I told you that you screwed a penguin!

Answer 6

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely as she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

Answer 7

A little boy and his father are at the zoo when the little boy sees two lions having sex.
"What are the lions doing?" He asks his father.
"Baking a cake."
Later that afternoon, the little boy and his mom are walking in the park, and they see two dogs having sex.
"What are the doggies doing?" He asks.
"Baking a cake."
That night, the boy catches his parents having sex downstairs on the couch. He says nothing, and goes back to bed. In the morning, during breakfast, the little boy looks at his parents and says,
"I know what you were doing last night, you were baking a cake. And when you were finished, I licked the icing up off the couch!"


An old couple celebrate their 60th anniversary and a week later the husband drops dead. One enquiring mourner at the funeral asks the wife how the husband died, to which she replied "Well, when my husband was alive we used to make love every Sunday to the rhythm of the church bells. In with the dings and out with the dongs"
To which the mourner replies "Well, I mean no offence, but you are both old,no wonder that killed him" The old woman snaps back at him, "What are you talking about! If that ice-cream van hadn't gone past he'd still be with us now!"


A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

Answer 8

Why is a prostitute better than a drug dealer? Cause she can wash her crack and sale it again!

When a boy and girl was celebrating their 2 week anniversary, the girl invited her boyfriend over to meet her parents and have dinner. She then told him that since he was doing this, she would take him to her room and MAKE LOVE for the first time. So in all excitement the boy went to the grug store to buy some condoms. When the pharmacist saw him he decided to help him in his search. He told him there was small packs and family sized packs. The boy said it was the first time so they would prob do it alot. So he bought the condoms and later that night went to the girls house. when there, they sat at the table and they asked the boy to pray. The boy bowed his head and whispered a prayer for over ten mins when finally the girl nudged him and said i never knew you were this religous, and he told her i never knew your father was a pharmacist.

Answer 9

Where is an elephant's sex organs situated.

Under it feet of course.If it steps on you your f88ked.


A man exceeds the speed limit an an offices sets out after him.The faster the officer goes the faster the man goes.Eventually the man stops and the officer walks up to him and says 'Give me a good reason not to lock you up.'Man says 'Well my wife ran away with a traffic officer last week.I thought you were trying to give her back' Officer says 'Have a nice weekend'

Answer 10

An old biker crashed his hawg and died then ended up at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.He was told that since he led a less than desirable life the only way to get inside was to write a poem ending in the word "Timbuktu"
So he took his paper and pencil and figured for a while and finally came up with this poem:
"Tim and I hunting went.
Spied three broads in a tent.
All were bored with nuthin' to do,
so I bucked one and Timbuktu"
He got in.....