I'm going through a tough time and making tough decisions?

Question

My 9 year old was adaddy's girl until my divorce. The divorce was final 1 yr today. She tells her mom that she does not want to see me. So my ex wont make her. So Theor therapists both said that My ex needs to make her whether she wants to or not. we. were seperated for 6 months and during that time my daughter would kick and scream not to go with me. It brok my heart. So I went along with us not seeing each other. until she didn't call me on fathers day. I begain to be proactive. I don't want to be the bad guy , but I miss my daughter and she needs me. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Answer 1

Surely you have a court ordered custody arrangement. If so, I would use the courts to assist you. It would seem to me that your daughter has been influenced in her opinion of you my her mother though she's certainly not going to tell on her mother and your ex isn't going to admit to it either. This is where I would use the system by petitioning for a hearing to order child counseling to have your daughter in one on one counseling with a certified therapist who, being impartial, could better ascertain if in fact your daughters thoughts and emotions have been manipulated by your ex-wife. Should a court appointed or approved therapist determine this to be the case then your ex could potentially be risking her custody rights altogether.

Answer 2

Try not to let your daughter's behavior affect the maturity of your decision as her parent. I went through this, but it was a different situation. My daughter was a daddy's girl...she "hated" me for 5 years. She is now 20 and tells everyone I am her best friend, and we have a great relationship. We have talked openly about the past. How did we get there? Be consistent in your communication, show up or call when you say you will, always tell her you love her, never say anything negative about her mother, and don't expect the mother or that side of the family to reinforce your role as her father (they should but blood is thicker than water). The child is yours, too. I wish divorced parents would stop using their children against the other parent...it hurts the child tremendously. Your daughter may be emotionally punished by her mother if she shows any loyalty to you. You may not want to see your ex in this light, but that happens a lot. If a child is happy or excited about seeing the other parent, the primary parent will take it personally and the child can be put in the middle of a bad situation. I feel for you, but don't give up. A child thinks in simple terms---"if daddy doesn't see me, he doesn't love me".

Answer 3

Speaking out of personal experiance. When my parents divorced, I felt replaced, I was mad because I thought that my dad didn't want me anymore. I thought I wasn't good enough and I felt I wasn't worth loving. That has had long term effects on me, My parents divorced about 21 years ago and I am now 26. I think you need to be proactive in the way of going to therapy with your daughter and having her mom go along also. Don't stop reaching out to your daughter. Mail her a card or a letter every week, but don't try to buy her love. Good luck to you and I hope your relationship with your daughter comes back to normal.

Answer 4

A nine year old is a little old to be kicking and screaming.
what was the cause of the divorce? Is her mom telling her things that are not true just so she won't see you? Is she afraid of you? I wish I had a little more info. then it would be easier to give you advice. You really need to find out what the reasons are behind her not wanting to see you and why she is afraid of you- it seems she is- then and only then can you work through this issue and try to make her see that she needs you.
Good luck and I hope it all works out.

Answer 5

It could cause her more damage at the moment to force her into seeing you. At the time she is probably confused and upset about all this and she feels safe with her mom, it is just that bond between a mother and a daughter. If you give her time, which could take years she will probably come around and want to see you, but for now even though it is hard I would say let her make the choice so she does not feel worse.

Answer 6

Oh boy...my heart goes out to you. You were put in a really tough situation...and it is clear to me that you love your daughter. I guess all you can do is be there for her whenever possible. She will eventually grow up some more and realize that you do love her and she still has a father. This will be very important to her as she gets older. So don't give up on her or yourself. There is a Father's Rights activist group that might be able to help you. You will have to dig around to find them; but they are out there. Join a support group for divorced fathers if you can...they may have some helpful ideas for you. They have seen it all. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

i went through this with my parents divorce. I suddenley decided that i didn't want to see my dad anymore. I took on the theory that he ruined my mother and i's life. I didn't call him i always had excuses not to go there until he came over and took me and my really good friend willy to a concert i think it was like the backstreet boys or something but he didnt push to come back into my life. That's what is making your daughter hesitant. Don't shove your way into her life let her come to you. Young girls are stuborn and they dont want to be told what they HAVE to do. lol well that's females in general. Try to show interests in here without MAKING her see you. Hope this helps. Good luck.

Answer 8

What a tough spot to be in. What about taking her and her mom to dinner or an amusement park or something. Maybe she will warm back up to you if she spends time with you and her mother together. I would not force her to go with you though. You are only going to make thing worse. She will come to hate you for it.

This is all based on if it was an amicable divorce. If you did something really terrible then that should be addressed.

Answer 9

It is hard now and it does break your heart to know that she doesn't want to see you; fight for her now or she'll resent you for it later as she matures. Have you tried going to a counselor with your daughter so you both can deal with the divorce issues? She is hurting and obviously wants you to hurt as well. Do you have a decent enough relationship with your ex that all three of you can go to counseling for your child?

Good Luck

Answer 10

well, you and your ex should sit together and talk to your daughter and let her know that just because your relationship with her mother is over that does not mean that she is (daughter). Let your wife know that you guy's need to keep peace around her so she can see that life is the same even though life has take it's turn. life is not meant to be perfect, but to be lived without anger and regrets, life goes on. just talk to your ex about having a sit down with you both around. GOOD LUCK!