I have a 3yr old daughter and a 4month old son. My boyfriend (the father of my kids) also has a 5yr old daughter. We have full custody of her, and she has no contact with her mother. But she irritates the hell out of me!! What can I do? I can't stand her. If someone can seriously talk to me about this please email me!!
2006-07-13 09:53:40 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
she is just a child- show her as much love and kindness as possible and she will come around- remember she lost her mother- and doesn't understand why. be patient- if you cant then leave the taking care of to the daddy- and you just be the fun one- that's the best option. good luck
2006-07-13 09:57:33 · answer #1 · answered by shannon 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your best bet is to sit down with a family therapist and get to the root of why this is. Is her mother part of the reason you feel this way? Or is it that the two of you haven't connected yet?
A 5 year old without a relationship with her mother is hurting big time. Yeah, she maybe better off (if mom is evil or incompetent), but she can't understand that with her young mind.
A child, even a little one, that has suffered big losses often acts out. They will push away anyone else that wants to get close because if they push you away first, you don't get a chance to reject or leave them.
It's really pretty sad.
I suspect (provided you aren't the issue) that she'd going to need a combination of some special attention from you, an understanding of how and why she feels the way she does, AND some firm limits with consequences (both good and bad). If she's pushing you away because she's hurt, she is going to test and try your patience!
A therapist is going to help you sort through your issues as well as offer up constructive guidance on how to restore order to this little girl's life. At some point probably your husband and the child will need to be involved.
You don't go into any history or details, but if she was severely neglected or abused as an infant, there is a chance she has some severe mental problems. Your therapist should be able to advise as to whether or not the child needs a psychiatric evaluation.
In the meantime, remember she really needs a mother to love her. You may just have to work to bridge the gap.
Good luck with this. I'm sure it is very hard.
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Can't email you, you don't have a link to do so on your profile. Write me if you need some suggestions on where to find a therapist regardless of family finances.
2006-07-13 17:05:51 · answer #2 · answered by Lori A 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, but I had a step-mother I could not stand because she always made me feel excluded.
Why does she irritate you? Could it be you are subconsciously jealous? She is a child. Where is your compassion? Obviously she has a sorry mother, because you guys have custody. Sounds as if you may be unintentionally transferring feelings for her mother to her - or are jealous that you and your kids don;t have all the attention from your boyfriend.
Try to treat her like your own. She needs your love and guidance. She is only a child, and obviously has had a rough time already. Be a positive influence on her and help overcome her past. Love her, and she will become your own.
2006-07-13 17:03:21 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yep, me too. The only differance is that I have two steps, one boy-7 and one girl-5 and they do have contact with their mother (if you can call her that) when she decides tht she has nothing better to do. She is one of the most worthless disgusting people I've ever known & makes the problems even worse between us. Plus I have a 12yr old son who's father is long gone, has contact maybe once a year just to make some big promises that he never intends on keeping and crushing my sons feelings.
My steps irritate me on purpose though, doing things that make me furious but only when their dad is around so that I cant do anything about it. The 5yr old girl acts like a baby & pretends to be soo innocent & naive when others are around to manipulate them. And the 7yr old boy just straight out does whatever he knows pisses me off but that his dad doesnt care about when he knows he can get away with it. When their dad is not home.... totally differant kids!! Its amazing, I've told my fiance how much this makes me furious so he'll say 'Kids, if she says you can or cant do that, then thats just the way it will have to be' in a sarcastic tone so they know he's actually being demeaning to me.
We've even went to counceling for quite awhile but nothing changes, so I've come to the realization that I just have to hold my breath and walk away. Or get out of the whole relationship, which isnt an option right now.
Sorry to be soo negative but thats my situation and it upsets me just to write about it.
2006-07-13 17:15:57 · answer #4 · answered by Schmiders 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am a step-parent and have had no problems with them, they are all much older then the ones of your age area. What has she done to cause you such heartship. You have had a 3 year old and 4 month old by this same guy who has a had a 5 year old. Are you getting help from your boyfriend, her father? This little girl can feel the hatred from you and will do anything to annoy you. Stop being a baby yourself and treat her with respect. She wants love from you both and you have been giving it to a 4 month old child. So try to get help from your boyfriend. She does need a mother figure and try to be one. Don't tune her out. Be patient with her.
Take care
2006-07-13 17:05:27 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She might be confused, why don't you have a serious talk you & your hubby w/ her let her know that she belongs 2 your family that she needs to be part of it & have a good realtionship w/ you & your kids... let her know that you are her friend but do not force her to call you mom maybe if she want's to call you mom it is okay dont' tell her you are not my daugther... she will feel worst.. explain to her that are rules to be followed at home & she can do some shores too, but here you will need the help of your hubby . She needs to learn to respect you & your home, do not treat her different show her that ypu love her & care for her too if you go to the store & buy a candy to your kids buy for her too, and things like that , have time to play with all, try to eat lunch or dinner as a family talk fun things at the table that way she will get attached to the family.. Never spank her let her dad do it you can put her in time out & call her attention if she is doing something wrong, and don't tell her I'm going to tell your dad, it is better to try to solve w/ her the situation & then when your hubby gets home tell him to ask how didi you behave or what didi you do during the day that way she will not see you as a bad person...It can be hard I went through the same situation with my step-son I know we get along just fine ...GOOD lUCk & be patient it takes time ...
2006-07-13 17:55:41 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's only 5! All 5 year olds are annoying. Don't be so cruel. You have to make an effort since YOU ARE THE ADULT and form a relationship with her. What exactly does she do to annoy you? I have a 5 yr old, and my husband now is the step father of him, and we have two together. My husband does an excellent job with him, even though he does get rather loud, obnoxious and immature. But, at that age, it's normal. Wait until you're little ones get that age, you will feel the same way.
2006-07-13 17:23:47 · answer #7 · answered by amyvnsn 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What does a five year old do to irritate you so much that you have to go onto Answers?
You want a serious reply? Here it is. . .
On a regular basis on Answers, you will find many step-parents who can't stand their wive's/husband's children.
It is not a coincidence.
Step-parents don't want children around who they don't "consider" their own.
If your husband's child is experiencing emotional challenges due to her lack of contact with her mother, then you have a wonderful and exciting opportunity to fill in that role with all the unrequited love and care that a parent can provide.
But, since you said "I can't stand her", then it sounds like you just don't want her around because she isn't yours.
I will tell you from personal experience, being the child of a father who married a woman with her own child, who didn't want my father's children around, that when that five-year old becomes a fifteen and twenty-five and thirty-five year old, that you will be singing a different tune.
By saying you can't stand her sounds to me like you are being cruel to her, and that little girl needs the love of both of you right now.
When she gets old enough to stop calling your husband and distancing herself from all the hurt and shame you are going to inflict on her, then your husband will start to change, and it will be for the worse.
That little girl will grow-up to go out on a course of self-hatred fueled self destruction that will destroy your husband and seriously hurt you.
Better so think about the future, and you better so honestly ask why you really posted such a disturbing question on Answers.
2006-07-13 17:20:24 · answer #8 · answered by RAIN-for-ISHII 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
IF he has full custody of the child and you are in a serious enough relationship, why dont you consider adopting this child so that it is your own and you will find that your child may bond to her right away, they also say that mothers who adopt children have more love and attention to them because they feel like when you find a lost puppy you just want to hold it and hug it and make it feel better, maybe this could work
2006-07-13 17:56:29 · answer #9 · answered by Bear 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all I don't understand why you have two children from your boyfriend. Have you ever heard of birth control. You sound like white trash. Maybe you can't stand your step daughter because the only person you think about is yourself. Maybe you are jealous of her because she has a closer relationship with your boyfriend. I mean what kind of adult says they hate a five year old. I think you have a lot of growing up to do.
2006-07-13 17:03:00 · answer #10 · answered by meisa777 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So, you are living with your boyfriend, you have three children in your household (not counting yourself) and the five yr old is irritating the hell out of you and you can't stand her. It is not the five year old's fault. I"m sorry she's stuck with you, nobody asked HER if she wanted to live with you, it was your choice. Please do her a favor and try not to make her life any more miserable than it already is. Get your head out of that dark hole it's in and try to think about doing something positive. Kids reflect how they are treated.
You are entitled to your feelings, see, but you are not entitled to act on them in ANY negative way. If you act and speak in a loving way to her, consistently, and refuse to entertain negative thoughts about her, you will find yourself feeling more loving of her. Your brain is a living and growing part of you and it feeds on your thoughts. This is why the old saying "fake it till you make it" actually does work.
If you haven't already done so, reread what Lori said.
2006-07-15 19:18:23 · answer #11 · answered by cryllie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋