How do I fix relationship with the grandparents?

Question

My mom and step-dad are driving my husband and I crazy. It's gotten worse as we've had kids. Any time we try to talk about or express concerns with problems they completely blow up, avoid talking about it, then continue doing it. My step-dad never had biological children of his own, so I feel a lot of times like they are trying to treat our children like their own. My step-dad is not very responsible or trustworthy and my mom is very critical and self absorbed. Regardless of their behaviors we still let them babysit quite often. But they still do whatever they want with our kids and they drop-by whenever they want. Now that I'm about to give birth to their 3rd grandchild, they call and stop-by constantly and insist that they get to watch the other two when we go to the hospital. We don't want them to watch our kids, but we don't want them showing up at our house or the hospital. What do we do to solve our relationship and this problem?

Answer 1

you need to sit down and have a calm conversation with your mom and step dad. (see the link below for advice about how to do that) What about the other grandparents? your bio-dad, your in-laws? Don't they get to see the grandkids, too?

Let some other family members watch your kids while you are giving birth.

You and your husband need to come up with some rules for how you would like to interact with your parents, and then set boundaries with them. Like having them phone before coming over, for instance.

If you want to limit their phone calls, get caller ID and just don't pick up every time. And ask them to call no more than X times a day unless there is an emergency.

If you don't want them at the hospital during the birth, you can inform the nursing staff that you do not want visitors and they will help you keep them out. But you can't really expect them not to come see the baby afterwards.

You should be somewhat happy that they want to be involved in their grandkid's lives. Not all grandparents want to be.

As for different parenting styles between you and your mom, these are YOUR kids and you have to lay down the law. YOu'll probably have to do it more than once, but eventually she will "get" it.

Answer 2

Wow. What is it about them you don't like? You need to get to the root of the problem and talk it over with them. Do you feel they are smothering the kids? Or You? Or is there something lying dormant u nder the surface that you aren't forgiving them for? It sounds like they are just trying to be good involved grandparents, and you should be greatful for that. How would they take it if you just expressed your wishes for the birth of your next baby? Tell them you would like lots of privacy at the hospital, and if you have someone else in mind to babysit, then set it up at their house, so the grandparents can't barge in. The nurses will not allow visitors in your room unless you say it's ok.

Answer 3

What a doosey! You're really going to have to get tough here. Outside of parents, other family members are the biggest influence on young children. Remember, these are your children. Ultimately, you are responsible for how they turn out and what happens to them. Part of that responsibility is influence. If you keep subjecting your children to your parents behavior, it will blow up in your face. They are your parents but if they do not follow your wishes with your children, maybe you should limit the amount of time they have with them. Let them know you are not satisfied with what's been going on and it needs to change or else they will only get to visit the children at your home and on your terms. Also, the unannounced visits must come to a halt. They are welcome but you need notice. If things don't change, inform them they will not be watching the children when you go to the hospital and will not be welcome at the house or hospital. I know that sounds harsh but, if you don't it will continue and only get worse. Prepare yourself for opposition. You only have two choices here: continue to let your parents rule your house or lay down the rules for your house

Answer 4

I think we may share parents...j/k

Try to find a new sitter.

Ask them straight out to call before coming over, i had to do that when my daughter was first born and it pissed most people off...and now they hardly ever come over now...which hurts and is nice as well.

You don't have to let anybody at the hospital that you don't want to...tell your nurse and they can tell them...if they show up...and as far as watching your kids...get somebody else to and just flat out tell them.

I always thought growing up would be less stressful and dramatic I was so wrong...

I have issues, but my parents don't babysit...don't want to...

My mom in law is most of the time the best...but since my bro in law joined the army, she has his kid all the time for my sis in law and doesn't hardly ever get our daughter, that pisses me off...so bad.

anyway goodluck with everything!

Answer 5

First Congratulation on your 3rd baby, I hope delivery goes well for you.

Back to your question at hand, as painful as it maybe, your gonna, have to lay down the law with them. I have had to do this with my parents as well.

I wrote my mom & Email, and that one Email lasted almost 4 months of fighting for my familys rights. But in time as all things do, they pass, time heals all & hopefuly this will work for you as well.
And by the way, you might have to go through this many times for them to really get the message.

Ask strieght forward for your privacy & respect

Good Luck

Answer 6

Make plans to have the other 2 watched by someone else else where, tell your parents u appreciate the offer but u have someone already in mind. Try not to call your parents until it's to late for them to get to the hospital ,until your ready to push.

Answer 7

We see the sistuation as we want to see.You need a very good friend who knows you well-beacuse only he/she can say if your conclusions about them are correct or not.

As per my understanding-you need a self-assesment. I do not think and feel that this old couple is as bad as you feel. Or problamatic as you felt. You and me have to understand that behaviour and concepts changes when one gets old. Priorities also changes...it depends on person to person.

I think they love and care for you...a little bit of trust and faith and little bit of positive attitude can save a wonderful relationships.

Do not try to change them....try to look differently. It is hard to change someone..we all wish so. I wish my wife/ gf could change her some typical behaviour..but infact this is what she is...means I have to accept her with her so called negatives also.
But there is always a positive story.....

:))

KEEP THE FAITH !!

Answer 8

just like when someone else steps over those boundries, you have to set them straight..if you realy love your parents you will do it. tell her hay you had your time raising me and obviously you did a good job, cause i have a wonderful husband and wonderful children and i am happy in life. but with my children it is my turn to have the mother role and from now on what i say is what goes. we are the parents and we need to know that they are going to listen to us and not get confused with what ways you are tying to raise them. i apreciate that you care so much but it is time for you to just sit back and only be grandparents, that means be respectfull that we are the parents and we decide what is best for the kids. and as far as you guys comming over all the time, we are perfectly capable of living life without you guys constantly checking up on us, we are adults and we want our privacy. so from now on call before you come over. tell her that you dont mind that she watches the kids but she has to follow your rules or she cant, the kids only need one set of parents and it is not her job to be a parent to your kids. tell her that you love her but that this all has to stop that it is getting in the middle of your marriage and that you will not continue to let that happen from this point on anymore. good luck, but if you dont do it you are going to go crazy, and if they love you they might be mad at the beggining but they will eventualy get over it if they want to be in thier grandchildrens life. good luck its not easy but you have to do it for you kids sake and for your marriage.

Answer 9

you should move, simple soulution!

Answer 10

Do you get along or what!!!!UG