Daughter-in-law is weird about family relations. Anyone else have daughter-in-law problems?

Question

I am totally clueless as to what to do about it. I was so excited to become a mother-in-law as I only have one son and thought this would be a chance to gain a daughter. But my d-i-l wants nothing to do with me. We rent a house to them - very cheap. Don't visit without an "appointment." When grandchildren came in the picture, she does not like me to interact with them. Constantly tells me I did something wrong. Don't fix their bottle position. Don't pick them up. No is usually the first word I hear. Other relatives get to see them more than we do - once a month. Don't ask if we would like to do something special with the kids. i.e., they let a friends Grandma make my grandson's first birthday cake when I made many beautiful theme cakes for my son's birthdays. We are never first. We learned they are moving away from other people. Have tried talking to my son, he says it's nothing we have done, just the way she is. She doesn't seem close to her own parents. What can we do?

We opened college funds for both our grandsons. Send cards and gift for every occasion. I do not criticize her parenting or her housekeeping. She is good at both. She tells me i am too nice. Like it is a dirty word. She is very big on independence. Her parents don't seem interested in seeing the kids that often. My husband volunteered our babysitting services while they went to a home expo. She acted like she was pushed into it. Afterward, we received a scathing email about how they liked taking our grandson with them places. Her email was about how busy they were and how they wanted the baby to know as many people as they could. Pretty much it said we should just wait around until they got around to us. I pointed out that we babysat 2 times in his first six months - including that time. And was that excessive? We were already on the seeing him once a month plan. She just said she would think about what I had replied-that we were busy too but never too busy for them.

Answer 1

Another point of view from a once bratty daughter in law - First, just keep loving her, loving your son, and loving the grandkids! I came into a very loving family when I married my husband - they gave hugs, called just to say hi, genuinely cared what was going on in our lives, wanted me to call them "Mom" and "Dad" right away. This was totally different from the way my (emotionally frigid) family operated. And while at times it was really nice, at other times I found it to be very invasive and threatening. I can remember asking my husband, "Why do your parents have to know everything about our lives all the time? Tell them to just leave us alone!" When we had our first daughter, my feelings intensified. If my mother in law did something with my daughter that was at all different from what I did, I felt like she was telling me I was doing it (whatever "it" was) wrong and making some kind of judgement on me as a mother. In "retaliation" I found myself doing things to deliberately hurt my mother in law's feelings (similar to your birthday cake incident).
I guess my advice to you would be to give her space, make sure she knows that you have no desire to come between her and your son, make sure she knows that you think she is a good mom, and just be patient. After almost 14 years of marriage, I can honestly say that I love and value my mother in law for the wonderful woman that she is. That doesn't mean that we are always best friends, but we do enjoy one another's company, and I love the positive & loving impact that she is on my daughter's lives.

Answer 2

I feel for you, I couldn't stand it if I couldn't see my grands only once a month. I only have sons-in-law, but I had a sister-in-law that was exactly like that (they're now divorced and I honestly think she is bi-polar). She has alienated her kids from my folks and the rest of the family. We were never invited to any birthday parties, etc. until I don't really even know when their birthdays are or how old they are. We are all in the same area, too so its not like we live too far away. First, have a long talk with yourself...are you criticizing her when you're around the kids? If so, maybe if you lighten up a little. Also, my daughters have different ideas on how to parent their kids than I did...I do go along with them even though I think they may be being a little too tough on them (sugar is a real issue with them, so I don't allow it either). Just an idea, but maybe as a gift to her (kinda sneeky) tell her you will watch the kids in her home while she and your son go out for the evening or weekend or whatever. You will be able to spoil them as much as you want, then right before they come home, put everything back the way she likes it. If nothing else works, talk to your son again. My folks would love to have a relationship with my brother's kids, but can't and it breaks their hearts. I really hate to see them suffer for it, but aside from her taking a fast train out of town, don't think there is anything that can be done for it. Good luck to you, I hope you can come to an understanding with her.

Answer 3

This must be really heartbreaking for you. I have one son, and he's a wonderful young man, but very independent. I can easily see this situation happening to me if he married someone like your d-i-l. Honestly, I guess there isn't much you can do in this situation. If you've taken a hard look at your own behaviour to see what you might be doing wrong in her eyes (it's possible, right?) and can't think of anything, what can you do? I guess I would just back-off. Attend the family gatherings as invited and be quiet except for saying the most polite things on the planet earth ("house looks beautiful" "what great kids you're raising" "please" "thank you"). Just don't give d-i-l any reason at all to be critical of you, ever. Send your grandchildren cards (Valentine's Day, Halloween, etc.) and stay in the background. I might even start setting aside savings bonds so that when my grandchildren reach college age, they'll know they had grandparents who cared about their future. I'm sorry this is so hard for you. Our children just don't realize how much we love them (and miss them).

Answer 4

Possibly nothing, apart from letting her know that you care about her and support her. There doesn't seem to be any way that she will let you closer at this time, so you just have to respect her distance, although it is painful for you not to be able to spend time with your grandchildren. When checking in with your son, make sure to always convey love and support in a way that doesn't ask him to take sides between her and you...maybe in a few years she will be willing to trust you more.

She may be feeling discomfort with you as in-laws who want to be involved in her and her family's life, if her own family is more distant. Living in a home that is rented from you might add to these feelings, which could make her feel the need to exaggerate her boundaries, even if you are not being intrusive.

Answer 5

Well as a daughter in law to a woman with only son's I hear you. It is so very rude of her to treat you like this. I know it may be hard but ask for a real sit down with her and your son so you can all try to figure out why she treats you like sh*t. It sounds like you have tried very hard and may be she needs that to be pointed out a little. You need to let your son know how you feel because feelings are very important to express. He may see that you are being hurt and help you and your d-i-l have a good sit-down. Good luck and I'm sorry to hear about this.

Answer 6

Maybe she feels threatened by you. Try showing her that you understand she is the woman in charge in her family and your role is Grandma. Perhaps she fears judgement by you on her parenting skills or she fears you will try to put your opininion in on her family matters. Maybe if you show her some sort of special attention or praise something she has done as a wife or mother you will ease her insecurities and she will let you in.

Answer 7

Does she let her own mother see the grandchildren? If she doesn't, she probably had a tramatic experience with her mom or with a previous boyfriend's mom and might think that you are the same.

Answer 8

Don't let her put the wedge in. keep doing what you know to do, and be involved in your grandkids lives as much as she will let you.

We have 7 grand kids and I never see any of mine. Never.