I have a girlfriend who's first boyfriend was abusive and controlling. So by no stretch of the mind shes pretty cynical towards relationships and "doesn't like" dating (she does she's just still bitter). So she insinuates to me that she wants to break up/take a break, so I go ahead and tell her we should. She thanks me for being understandable and starts acting like she did before we dated (giving me the "look", flirting, showing alot of interest, etc.). I figured I should give her time to think things out, be her friend. Recently she started acting even more distant and today we had plans but she never answered her phone (of which I called only twice). So it's like total abandonment. Look I know it's probably over so you don't need to tell me that, it already bugs me. Im just looking for some explanation for all this (no I wasn't needy or anything like that. She was happy.)
So Im going to wait a couple of days before calling her again...a good idea?
2006-07-13 03:46:52 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
if you feel abandoned after not talking to her for ONE day-you have issues also.
2006-07-13 03:49:47 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly what she's going through... my first 2 "serious" relationships, I was with an abusive guy.
Let me start by saying thank you. Thank you for being so understanding and patient (though I know it's hard!). You did the right thing by giving her the space that she insinuated she needs. She didn't come right out and say it, because in an abusive relationship, you learn to keep your thoughts to yourself; if you need space, you don't say it, you let him say it and then you're off the hook and don't have to worry about a beating or him yelling at you and calling you a bunch of filthy names.
If you're her 2nd boyfriend and her 1st was abusive, all she knows is that abusive side, and by pulling away, she's trying to protect herself. All she's known is the abuse right? She's still trying to decide if you're the real deal.
I did this with a few of the guys I dated. I would get so far into the relationship and then pull back, because I was scared and couldn't figure out why the hitting and yelling hadn't happened yet.
Waiting a couple of days before calling her again is a good idea. If she still doesn't pick up, wait about a week and then call her again. On her voicemail, leave a message saying that you're there if she ever needs someone to talk to or someone whose shoulder she needs to cry on. This will win you bonus points with her and she'll slowly begin to understand that you're the real deal and there's nothing to worry about.
Good luck hun with everything and if you need more help, email me, amber.newsome@yahoo.ca
2006-07-13 11:00:17 · answer #2 · answered by ami 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok your question was all about her let's focus on you a little, shall we? This girl obviously does not know what she wants. She is hot for you today and cold for you tomorrow. Are you willing to be in a rollercoaster relationship? She has you in a constant uneasy state because you never know what's coming next. Will she be hot for me today or cold? Look I understand her fear of relationships because of the past relationship she had but you need to realize a relationship has two people in it. How you feel and what you want matters also. Is she thinking about your feelings when she just decides "we need a break but I will still flirt with you." She is playing games and needs to decide once and for all. Does she want to be with you or not? If she has problem she should allow you to help her work through it not rope you in and then push you away constantly. Is the type of relationship you are content with?
2006-07-13 11:01:52 · answer #3 · answered by strawberries 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she needs time to her self for awhile. Give her a couple of days or even weeks. I think it would be hard come out of a abusive relationship and then go into another she isint ready for a relationship but she doesnt realize it. So you have fun and live life and when she is ready to have to have a relationship and you are already in one then it was not meant to be.
2006-07-13 10:54:40 · answer #4 · answered by Lety 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes good idea to give her a couple of days. Obviously the controlling guy hurt her very badly and it will take time for her to get her self confidence back.
Is there a possibility that the guy has been back in touch with her again and trying to take over again?
Perhaps you should step back and see what happens... maybe she is not the girl of you dreams and you have her in your future to meet.
2006-07-13 10:57:31 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in that kind of relationship, it was pretty bad. But you need to give her some space, tell her you are here if she needs someone to talk to. Or maybe suggest to her that maybe she talk to a therapist or something. All I can say is still be here for her, she needs help, and right now she just doesn't need to be in another relationship, but I think you're doing fine, and I would call her in a few days if she doesn't call you first.
2006-07-13 10:51:09 · answer #6 · answered by Kittie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
**** that don't call her man, nothing will come of it.....I'm telling you calling her is the dumbest thing you can do. Soon enough she'll call you to "see how things are going" and then see how it goes from there. But for gods sake leave her be and go have fun. She'll call dude, they always do...........i know this because I had the exact same problem and we ended up dating again
2006-07-13 10:52:08 · answer #7 · answered by Kennedy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just give her a few days, an try a call again. maybe she scared of bein hurt again, so try be alittle patient, if things dont change , than move own, i dont think its anything you have done, she is just not over the past yet, an some womaen never get over it, good luck,
2006-07-13 10:52:25 · answer #8 · answered by cris 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wait for her to call you. She knows your number and if she wanted to be with you, she would make the move. If you continue to chase her, she may continue to run. You'd just be wasting your time and energy chasing someone who may not want to be caught. She wanted time, so give it to her. Let yourself be happy alone or better yet, go after someone who wants you to have her.
2006-07-13 10:50:52 · answer #9 · answered by cathcoug 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes wait it out - she may really like you and be afraid of her feelings. If she just got out of an abusive relationship - she may take a while to really feel secure around another male, no matter how good they are to her.
2006-07-13 10:50:27 · answer #10 · answered by bluskygreengrass 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she probably is'nt ready to start dating again .. give her some time .. try and talk to her ...
call her again in a day or two .. that should give both of you sometime to think things over
2006-07-13 10:51:20 · answer #11 · answered by Honey 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋