I'm smoking my daughter's cigarrettes?

Question

My 14-year-old daughter knows I don't approve of her having a cellphone, and she got one anyway (yesterday). While I was searching her room for the cell phone, I found her cigarrettes. Now she's in trouble... I've already chosen her punishment, I'm asking what yours would be...

Ok, some background info would obviously be helpful...

My father died of lung cancer last year. My daughter was in the room when it happened.

I still can't quit smoking. I've tried. I'll do it, but it's going to take a while.

If all else fails, I WILL KILL HER and start over. jk.

No, she doesn't 'smoke'... She's tried it a few times... What kind of crappy father do you take me for?

I'll be 38 years old next week. I've been smoking for almost 24 years... It's all I know. It may take a bit to quit....

And whoever thinks that giving her one cigarette after another for hours and hours is an idiot. They tried that with me. I smoked a pack of straights in half an hour.

I still smoke.

Eh, email me if you want the whole story.

Long story short, 1) I have her solemn promise she will never smoke again. 2) I cut the rest of her summer in half. She doesn't leave the property without me, and no sleepovers for a month. 3) I'm hanging on to her cellphone until further notice, but, as long as it was her money, she'll get the chance to show me she can be responsible. 4) We go outside to do something every day (it's the time when I can check in with her and we can talk about how our day went). 5) If I EVER find out she's had even one cigarette, I'm killing her and buying a monkey (it'd probably get better grades).

Answer 1

you'll have better luck with her if you quit yourself.

I did 4 years ago, it was f*cking tough! good luck, it needs to be done.

Answer 2

It was cigarettes, not dope. Be thankful. Use some type of creative punishment, for example... She could go to the nursing home and read to people, write for people; who have lung cancer... Help them with their necessaries... Their day to day survival and make her listen to them breathe.
She needs a punishment that is somehow bonded into the smoking, because dad, you and I don't want our girls to smoke, and neither of us can stop. I had to let them both go ahead and continue, because I can't be a hypocrite. That is a really fast way to have your daughter lose all respect for you, to do what you tell her she can't.
Let it go dad, and be ever so thankful it isn't drugs yet, and use this as the opening to tell her no drugs, absolutely none. Don't support her habit, she doesn't support yours, but what ever you do, don't be a hypocrite. She might just leave over that. Don't outrage her sense of justice.
As for the cell phone, My Nik bought one without my permission, I smashed it with a hammer and requested she not waste her money again. She hasn't and it has been two years.
Going through her room (and letting her know) is a big no no. find what you need, leave it undisturbed and then catch her with it. Then she doesn't have a leg to stand on with the "you violated my privacy!" speech. She gets left with feeling stupid and guilty when she gets "caught" by you. Which is just exactly where you want her.

Answer 3

I have no kids but if I were you, I`d make her a deal: you stop smoking and she never touches cigarrettes again. Set rules in case she breaks the deal and do the same for you.
I think she´s just trying to get your attention and maybe you should punish her in order to let her know that she`s got it. But, don`t be too harsh. Just ground her for a couple of weeks or something...
Remember, she´s 14 and she`s trying to find her path and, at this age, kids tend to be rebels. Thus, the cellphone!!! But, my advice is pick your battles. I think it`s ok for her to have a cellphone. Smoking on the other hand is something you should worry about.

And, don`t go through her room. Respect her privacy...

Answer 4

It seems your daughter is sending you messages very clearly that she does not approve of how you manage her. you are sending mixed signs be direct. searching a room? Totalitarian practices... want something from her ask, discuss, explain yourself she is human not a robot. Negative reinforcement while it seems like a good choice usually results in a more sullen and rebellious response (don't ever forget 14 y/o females are wildly emotional and prone to act out to the point of running away just to prove to you they can think.) I have raised 4 daughters and if you begin early enough with treating them as Small adults with the ability to logically come to a joint decision which pleases everyone. why so lenient cause I already outlined a possibility which can only get worse. Suck it up sit down have a smoke with your kid and offer a part in helping to develop a woman.

Answer 5

I would put her in her room for two weeks and not let her out to watch tv, use the phone, or have any electronic item at all. Then I would make a doctors appt. and have a doctor talk to her about the dangers of smoking. I would also make sure she saw what a smokers lung looks like.

You think she smokes because you do? Maybe you should quit to show her how serious you are about this.

Answer 6

She's probably emulating you, you say you're smoking her cigarettes and I'll bet you have a cell phone - she is just trying to be grown up like you! Communication is key; explain to her why she shouldn't do these things. Perhaps you could quit smoking together?

Otherwise, I suggest a long weekend away with just the two of you will be punishment aplenty for a 14-year old.

Answer 7

I don't know about your punishment but if i was there at your place then i would have told her very politely and explained her that smoking cigarettes are very harmful and you should not do so. if you will scold her and punish her hard then she may think opposite to you. also find out the reason that why has she started smoking may be because her friends have insisted her. and having a cellphone is better than smoking.

Answer 8

You need to ground her for 2-3 weeks. Give her a wake up time, give her a half hour to shower and dress. Make her stay in the "common" areas of the house with limited bathroom time. While you have her attention, let her know that you love her and care for her. Explain the reasons smoking is bad and why you don't want her to have a cell phone. (I don't understand that one, but you're the parent!)

Your daughter is growing up and you slowly need to start letting her make decisions on her own. Make her earn her trust while you still can. When a child reaches their teens you pretty much have to rely on the values that you taught them as a child.

Answer 9

I'm not gonna ***** about you smoking. I smoke. But, you say she has a cellphone she wasn't supposed to get? Anytime she's out with her friends or whatever, call her every few minutes. Just annoy the piss out of her. You'll ruin her time, and possibly burn through her minutes. She's 14, shouldn't have access to enough money to get a cell phone. And unless it's one of the pre-paids(which I'm assuming it is) wouldn't she have to have signed a contract? But really, let her keep the phone, but use it to make her life miserable. And if you're worried about her smoking, every time you call her, do the smokers' hack into the phone. She'll get it eventually.

Answer 10

Her punishment should be having to deal with your mood swings while you are dealing with the side effects of quiting!! Children learn from example so you need to be the one to set a good (better) example. The "don't do as it do ~ do as I say" approach isn't working. Sit her down & have a long talk about all of the reason NOT to Smoke & make a deal. You're not smoking & neither is she & stick to it!! If you can't do it for yourself do it for your Daughter & in memory of your Father ~ seek medical help if need be. She's worth it, isn't she?

Answer 11

Public humiliation works well. I'd create a myspace page featuring my childs most embarassing photos and most revealing facts. I would then proceed to post the address for the site all over my kids school for everyone to see. Nothing will devistate a preteen or teen more than being ostracized from the group, Once the kid stops smoking the website goes down, but as soon as the child strays from the straight and narrow I would re-upload the site with even more revealing and intimate details of their life. If you want to control anyone be firm and steadfast with your punishment, but most importantly don't allow them to predict your actions, be totally capricious with regards to how you act or react. However, as much as you bring your child down, you must build them back up.