Make me explode with laughter?

Question

Best Joke(s) win the points!

Answer 1

The Bricklayer

To: Safety Committee
Gentlemen:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In Block #3 of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should "explain more fully" and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 lbs. of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof; swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 lbs. of brick. You will note in Block #11 of the accident reportirg form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In.the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tight to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of.the barrel. Devoid of the welght of the bricks, the barrel now weighted approximately 50 Ibs.

I refer again to my weight in Block #11. As you might Imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks; fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay on the bricks In pain - unable to stand, and watching the barrel six stories above me - I LET GO OF THE ROPE!!

Bob Berger

Answer 2

You are in California
You Know You're In California When...


The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.


You were born somewhere else.


You know how to eat an artichoke.


The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.


Your car has bulletproof windows.


Left is right and right is wrong.


Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.


Your mouse has only one ball.


You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.


You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.


You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.


You drive to your neighborhood block party.


Your family tree contains 'significant others'.


Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.


You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.


You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.


More than clothes come out of the closets.


When 'the Dead' are best live.


You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.


Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.


More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.


Smoking in your office is not optional.


When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.


Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.


Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.


You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.


You consult your horoscope before planning your day.


A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.


When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.


All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.


You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

Answer 3

Ever wonder where the phrase "You gotta be shittin me"
came from?

George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his
troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark
and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and
forth.

Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed
him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to
keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain,
swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of
wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the
Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find
Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible for the
Corporal had been one their favorites. An hour later Washington
and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally
exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One
of his men said,"General, I see lights ahead." They trudged
towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the
woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute
hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding
around him. The door swung open and the madam looked out
to see Washington and all his men standing there. A huge smile
came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington spoke up, "Mam, I'm General George Washington
and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately
need warmth and comfort for a while."

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with
a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come
to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?"

Washington said "Well mam, there are thirty-two of us without
Peters."

Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me."

Answer 4

Alright Then I dont care if you want to explode with laughter iu just got 2 points

Answer 5

well it's not a joke but it's a funny story:

we went on vacation and i went to a movie theater and the seats were wooden and so you had to pull the chairs down before you sat on them. Well dumb me i thought it would go down automatically if i sat on it and well instead of the chair going down to the ground..............i did! and all the sudden my friend goes where did sam go and they looked around and they saw me laying on the ground. when i got up they looked at my back and it was scrapped from my whgere my bra strap was to where my ribs ended. it was horrible! this happpened a week ago and it's still there!

another story:
i was walking on a sidewalk outside of a resturant and my dad was walking next to me and he like cut me off and i lost my footing on the side of the side walk and i tripped and fell into the grass and i looked like a dead body. And my dad just looked at me and he was like get up! i was like i can't he said hurry people from inside the resturant are looking at u! So i turn my head and i look at the building and there were to tables filled with people pointing and looking out the window and had these really concerned faces. So i got up laughing. I went into the resturant and i passed by the table and i waved i was like hi guys i'm ok don't worry! They were like oh ok we just wanted to make sure! it was another on of my clumsy moments!

i got one more:
well i had the lead in our school play and there was a scene where i had to be picked up and so the bad guy went to go pick me up and he dropped me! It hurt so bad! once again i landed like a dead body and i couldn't move all the sudden i hear everyone laughing and i look and the whol addiance was laughing and so was everyone back stage. And on top of that my crush was out there! It was horrible! some people had to help me off the stage.

well i hope my painful moments made u laugh!

Answer 6

A great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.



Expiry date
Wife: Honey ...... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You`ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

Answer 7

A camel and an elephant are standing next to each other at a bus stop.... the Elephant looks over and says "I've always wondered, why do you have boobs on your back?" The camel looks at the elephant and says "better than having a penis on my face."

Answer 8

A old man was fishing with dynamite.A conservation officer stopped him and told the old man he couldn't fish with dynamite.The old man lighted a stick of dynamite and threw it to the officer and said you going to fish boy or talk all day!

Answer 9

Can't I just use dynamite? It'd be alot easier...though a great deal messier.

Answer 10

yo momma so cross eyed
yo daddy left her because
she was seeing people on the side