Desperately need a laugh, please?

Question

I want to roll on the floor!!!!

I'm not quite rolling yet....more like snickering softly.

Answer 1

The Bricklayer

To: Safety Committee
Gentlemen:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In Block #3 of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should "explain more fully" and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 lbs. of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof; swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 lbs. of brick. You will note in Block #11 of the accident reportirg form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In.the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tight to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of.the barrel. Devoid of the welght of the bricks, the barrel now weighted approximately 50 Ibs.

I refer again to my weight in Block #11. As you might Imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks; fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay on the bricks In pain - unable to stand, and watching the barrel six stories above me - I LET GO OF THE ROPE!!

Bob Berger

Answer 2

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, harnesses, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

Answer 3

I've been wasting my precious time, really working hard on getting 10 points from you for answering all your 6 questions when all I really want to do is go for a smoke and get a cool iced tea and what do I get? This!!! I'm useless at jokes. Can't remember them, can't tell them in a funny way when I do remember them and now I've ticked off my daughter by not looking after my grandson while she gets to eat supper so she's not speaking to me and I hope that makes you REALLY happy!! In fact you should be laughing your head off by now.

Answer 4

a woman with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach.
she sees a really hot guy running down the beach so she starts crying really loud.
the guy runs over to her and asks what is wrong.
she says she has no arms and legs and that no man has ever hugged her so the guy gives her a hug.
later she sees another hot guy running and starts crying again.
this time she tells the guy that no man has ever kissed her so the guy gives her a kiss.
later she sees another hot guy and this time goes for broke.
she starts crying again and this time tells the guy that no man has ever screwed her.
the guy thinks for a second, picks her up, and tosses her into the ocean then yells "now your screwed!!"

Answer 5

a man really fancies his work colleague and when ever he sees her he gets a RAGING hard-on! so one day he cocks up the courage to ask her out for diner that night. but the only problem was that he new he would get an erection and be extremely embarrased so he tied his **** to his leg. when the time came to pick her up she was running late and answered the door wearing only her under wear.....he kicked her in the head

Answer 6

It might be one of those things where you had to be there but when my little brother was four or five he ran into the driveway while my older brothers were playing basketball and told one of them to go f*** themselves at the top of his lungs and just kept screaming it over and over until my mom brought him in the house and hit him

Answer 7

There's a banana and a vibrator sitting next to each other on a table and the banana turns and looks at the vibrator and says " I don't know what you're shaking for, she's gonna eat me!"

Answer 8

*gets Douglas Adams' "the main suitable Hitch-hiker's instruction manual" from the bookshelf* (Arthur Dent chatting with some council member over his living house being demolished to make a clean highway): (Council) "however the plans have been on reveal..." (Arthur) "On reveal!? i eventually had to bypass all the way down to the cellar to discover them." (C)"it somewhat is the reveal branch." (A)"With a flasligh." (C)"Ah, properly, the lights had in all probability long gone." (A)"So had the stairs." (C)"yet look, you got here upon the interest, did no longer you?" (A)"sure," stated Arthur, "sure, I did. It replaced into on reveal interior the backside of a submitting cabinet caught in a disued bathroom with a demonstration on the door asserting 'pay attention of the Leopard'". study The Hitchhiker's instruction manual to the Galaxy for the final e book you will ever study. you will forget all approximately in spite of it somewhat is you're down approximately.

Answer 9

once a boy wanted to take a shower with his dad.so he asked.dad can i take a shower with you?he said ok,but dont look at my limousine(private spot).the next day he wanted to take a bath with mom.so he asked.mom,can i take a shower with u?she said yes,but dont look at my garage(private spot).
later on the boy said 'mom open the garage so dad could put his limousine in'

Answer 10

A hilbilly gets married and goes on his honeymoon,but comes back alone .His friend asks him where his wife is and he says he killed her.His friend asks why he killed her and he says because she was a virgin.His friend asks why he would kill her because she was a virgin and he says if she wasnt good enough for her family she aint good enough for me.