Would you still think it's a smart move when I tell you that one of the problems was alcohol?

Question

Many thanks for all the encouraging answers to my question re - my son leaving home. I should have told you that my son is 34 yrs of age and that one of his main problems is alcohol. I am absolutely terrified that when he's on his own in his new flat, that he will start drinking again. This has happened twice before you see, and then I'm left to sort it all out. I'm so worried and can't stop crying. I've tried to speak to him, but he just flares up at me.

Answer 1

Here are a few things to pass along that hopefully will help you.

Before I say them please recognize there is a situation with your son that will hopefully work out but also a situation with you to work out, i.e. I can understand the deep desire to care for your son but don't forget to care for yourself too because if you aren't in good shape, how well will you be able to help your son? How clearly will you think? How strong will you be?

You can sit down and write down your feelings. Or you can write a pretend letter to your son (that you DON'T give to him). Write any possible feeling you have, good or bad. Just write, write, write UNTIL YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE SITUATION OR HAVE REALIZED SOMETHING. When you reach this point, be very, very sure to destroy what you have written so you are free of it and no one else can ever see it. It must be completely private.

You can also get out. Go to a place you've never been before or somewhere that's simply away. It doesn't have to be far away. Somewhere that will allow you to just observe the world and be disconnected from your situation. A place where you won't look inward but can focus on the world outside of you. An hour might do it, maybe longer. Again, do it until you feel better, even if just a little. Not that you want to permanently disconnect, but just for a while to give yourself a break. Remember, this is not only about your son, you need to take care of yourself too.

This is designed to make things a bit lighter and get a person calm and freed up enough from their worries to look at their situation fresh and in better shape. So YOU can figure out what the best thing to do is.

Just remember that constantly focusing and worrying and being caught up in ANY situation can result in negative things like upset, sadness, strong anger and so on. Distance and space is needed in life, especially when things get tough. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

First and most importantly, don't continually throw it up in his face. I have a brother with the SAME problem, and my mother ALWAYS throws it up in his face. It seems as if she's demanding something out of him, and the ways they're both probably looking at this situation is that, I'm an adult. I'm obligated to do as I please, not as you want. You HAVE to respect that. The best thing that I can tell you is to pray for him, and give him an ultimatium. If he EVER comes around drunk, then call the police on him. I'M SERIOUS. And belive it or not, sooner or later, he'll become very sick of this matter. He'll either stop drinking altogether if he loves you enough, or he'll stop coming around. Atleast you don't have to deal with a 34 year old alcoholic. Tell him how you feel. I feel your pain, it DOES hurt more than anything in the world. I mean, it's nothing less than suicide. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 3

You need to let him go and fix his own problems. His 34, not 13.

My mother spend countless years worrying about my brother and bailing him out. My Brother is 50 years old, still immature, still drinking, still partying like some Teen. My mother, passed away a couple months ago, at the age of 72, a beaten Woman from all the suffering she encountered, mostly from my Brother. he's alive and well, boozing it up, without a care in the world.

Please do not put yourself through this, it's not worth it..

Good luck to you and your Son.

Answer 4

There is something out there called Al anon-A support group for family and friends of alcoholics. If you can't find it in your telephone book, then call the AA (Alcoholics anonymous) and they can help you from there.
You need help! Alcoholism is a family disease and, just like the alcoholic in your life, alcohol can and will completely take over your life, even when you are not the one with the actual drinking problem.
Please, listen to my advice and seek help for yourself.
Your son is 34 and will make his own decisions. You did not cause it, you can not cure it. What you can do is help yourself.

Good luck

Answer 5

There's really nothing that you can do since your son is grown.Try calling him everyday to make sure he's ok or make up an excuse to go visit.Hopefully he will stay at home and drink.There is only so much we can do as a parent.I am 34 and when I lived at home I dranked everyday because I was so miserable.When I moved out I didn't drink as much.Just sit back and wait and see.If you tell your son that he drinks too much he will get mad and start drinking more.Try going to pick him up and do things with him.he may drink less.

Answer 6

I have a sister-in-law who is jobless, has a daughter she never has (my neice is always with her grandparents, either my in-laws, or the other ones, because BOTH parents won't raise her), is 25, and has an alcohol problem, on top of a vicodin problem, meth problem, & coke problem. She gets a free apartment from the state, and still gets "child" support from her parents to pay for things- drugs in her case, and yes, the parents both know.

If your kid is 34 and can't start his own life, then you seriously need to own up to doing way too much for him. He's old enough to be accountable for his own problems, and if alcohol is one of them, then he needs to learn to stay away from it. You can't do it for him, and you can't hold his hand and hope for the best.

Answer 7

You cant help him over come alcohol. Only he can do that. I would suggest you let him know that if he does start drinking again and looses everything that you will not help him out anymore. You are enabling him by helping him. He might need to hit rock bottom before he changes his life. If you keep helping him then things will never change.

Answer 8

Don't help him next time he is 34 he should know how to deal with that on his own. I am 19 and I've done it all drugs, alcohol and the only way i worked through it is doing it all by myself.

Answer 9

I think that you need some intervention in this situation. He has a disease called alcoholism. He has no control and your right when he's on his own it will get worse. Look into AA and Al anon meetings. They will give you the help and support you need. This is a family disease and everyone suffers. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 10

I have a drug addicted son - 26 yrs. You can NOT enable him and take care of him all his life. He may or may not drink. He is an adult and it is legal. Remember, if he is in bad shape, he has to hit rock bottom by himself. What happens when you are gone? You are not helping him by helping him too much. I know this from EXPERIENCE.