does any body have any good jokes ?

Answer 1

Fat

Yo momma’s so fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo mommas so fat that she has to wear two watches cuz she takes up two time zones.

Yo momma’s so fat she was in the middle of the highway I tried to swerve but ran out of gas.

Yo momma’s so fat she started singing "we are family, McDonalds, Burger King and me.

Yo mommas so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!

Yo momma’s so fat when she put on high-heels and walked out onto the street, she struck oil!

Yo momma’s so fat that when she was floatin' in the ocean Spain tried to claim her as the new world.

Yo momma’s so fat when she jumped on a trampoline with yellow on, the sun said I give up!

Yo momma’s so fat when she went to the beach and got into the water scientist classified her as a new species of whale.

Yo momma's so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo momma's so fat she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, and Chicago, NY.

Yo momma's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn".

Yo momma's so fat that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"

Yo momma's so fat when I took her to the beach, little kids surrounded her and chanted "Free Willy, Free Willy"!

Yo momma's so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra fat, jumbo, and ohmygodit'scomingtowardsus!

Yo momma’s *** is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for having 20 lbs. of crack

Yo momma’s so fat that when she fell no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

Yo momma’s so fat that when she stood up everyone yelled out "eclipse"!

Yo momma’s so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat *** out of the way.

Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she was an oil spill.

Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.

Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!

Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.

Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits.

Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.

Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters

Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial.

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat.

Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet.

Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on.

Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer.

Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her.

Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.

Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"

Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code

Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back and said "I'll wait my turn."

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back and said "I'll wait my turn."

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"

Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Break it up!"

Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food she ate it.

Yo momma so fat she don't sit in the house, she sits around the house.

Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!



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stupid

Yo momma’s so stupid, she makes blondes look smart.

Yo momma’s so stupid I told her I was going to get her Tommy HILL figure and she told me she already tried to lose weight.

Yo momma's so stupid, that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo momma’s so stupid she called the cocaine hotline to order some.

Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911?"
Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.

Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."

Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went and got toilet paper.

Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.

Yo mama so stupid it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo mama so stupid I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Yo mama so stupid she invented a silent car alarm.

Yo mama so stupid she lost her shadow.

Yo mama so stupid that when she took the Pepsi challenge she chose Jiff

Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she thought Boys II Men was a day care center.

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ugly

Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow ran away from her.

Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry.

Yo mama's so ugly, she makes onions cry.

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
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old

Yo momma so old she knew burger king when he was a prince

Yo momma so old she has an autographed bible

Yo momma old she knew the dead ocean when it was sick

Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the ***** died

Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book.

Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda.

Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class



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skinny

Yo momma so skinny you can see her farts

Yo mama's so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss.

Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.

Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.

Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.

Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.

Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.

Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.

Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Yo mama's so skinny, she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.

Yo mama's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.

Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.

Yo mama's so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.

Yo mama's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant.


Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ... you're next!"

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A blonde gets on a elevator and a man is standing there and she turned and smiled at him and said; "Hi.....T.G.I.F." " S.H.I.T. " replied the man "Excuse me...how rude T.G.I.F." responded the blonde "S.H.I.T." replied that man "Maybe you don't know what I am saying, T.G.I.F means Thank Goodness It's Friday!" " You didn't understand me, S.H.I.T ....."Sorry honey, it's Thursday

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"

Answer 2

Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

Answer 3

- One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"**** me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins

- A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up

Answer 4

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of aspalt under his arm.
he says to the bartender, "I'll have a Bud and give me one for the road'."

Answer 5

What do you call a Midget,Psychic that escaped from jail? A Small Medium at Large

Answer 6

there are three men climbing a mountain.one is Mexican, one is German, and one is American. As they reach the top a Geni appears and says he'll grant them each one wish.the Mexican wanted to be a bird so he jumped of the mountain and says "bird".so he turns into a bird and flays away.then the German jumps of saying"fish",and he turns into a fish and falls into a stream.finally the American attempts to jump of, trips on a rock and says "crap".

Answer 7

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

Answer 8

did you hear about the 12 mexican kids that went to the hospital?




their bed collapsed lol i am 100% mexican folks calm down if anyone is mad

Answer 9

wt do u cal a person who dont use condoms
DADDY