Is it wrong to feel upset at my son for leaving home?

Question

My son has lived with me on and off for the past 4 years after various problems in his life. Most of the time he's been out of work and I've struggled to cope financially. He got a job 2 months ago and just when I hoped I could see some light at the end of the tunnel, the first thing he does is gets a rented flat and moves out. I feel very angry and upset. Is this wrong?

Answer 1

It's never wrong to feel something, but you should think about why you feel what you do. Were you hoping he'd get his life together and still live with you? Are you sad he's leaving because you'll miss him, and turning this sadness into anger? What do you really think is best for him....and you?

Lots of parents go through this at one time or another. I left home at 18 for university and my mum was thrilled (um, what does that say about me? I hope it's because she was happy for me, and nothing else). However I have colleagues whose kids are about to flee the nest and they're depressed and upset and worried about it, even though some admit that deep down the know this is the best thing for the child at this time.

Rather than dwell on what has been, think about what you'll do now. Will it be nice to have the extra room at home, and one less person to take case of? Think of ways to make sure you're still a part of your son's life - maybe you could arrange to have lunch together every Sunday, or whatever works for you. He's probably nervous about this too, so make sure he knows you're pleased he's been able to pick himself up and move on, and try to see this as a good step forward for both of you.

Answer 2

Why do you feel angry and upset? If you feel abandoned because you don't have your son's company any more, I'd say that you're right to wonder. You could be trying to control him at a time when it's high time he was out on his own.

You could be angry and upset, though, because he's been a drain on your finances for so long, and rather than help you get back on your feet, he's taken off again. You may feel taken advantage of. In that case, I don't think it's wrong. Everyone feels upset when they feel taken advantage of.

I'm afraid there's not much you can do at this point, if that above is the case. If you were charging him rent once he got the job, then the rent wasn't high enough, if you still felt such a drain on your finances that you still feel upset about it. Regardless, he's out of the house, now, and without a pre-arranged agreement, you can't make him help you with your finances. You can ask him, but you're not going to want to ask for so much that he goes broke again and ends up in your house again, draining again.

Aside from asking him for help for a little while, I'd say use this as a lesson learned. If he goes broke again, don't let him move back home without an agreement, in writing, of some sort. It should outline how soon he'll get a job, that he won't turn down a job just because it's minimum wage or because he thinks it's "below" him, and that once he gets that job, he'll pay a prearranged amount in rent that will cover the expenses you incur while he's living with you, such as electricity, water, food, laundry, that sort of thing. Make sure you charge him enough to cover what you need, but not so much that he can't get out on his own.

Charging your own son rent may sound cruel, but it's actually a good thought. It teaches him responsibility, to pay his bills before he buys unnecessary, and it reminds him that, while he's paying rent *and* living under your roof and by your rules, he may as well be paying rent in his own place and be able to make his own rules.

Answer 3

Do not feel bad about your son leaving home, and most of all do not be angry about it - if you get angry to him, things will end up worse and may never become better.

You have to understand what he is going through - life is not just all smiles, troubles come too. As a parent, you have to learn that there are other ways for people to cope with problems.

Do not shock your son by asking him why he moved out. Instead, try inviting him over or just try talking with him heart-to-heart. You should know his problems and try looking at your past if you have the same experience. Put yourself in his situation. And if you have it, try giving him the best thing you did for that problem to go away. If not - tell him at least something that could lessen his problem. "You got to have faith", "Believe in yourself" always end up positive.

Just try to control your emotions toward him - remember, if you have problems too, you do not want anyone to be angry to you as well.

Answer 4

You should not feel angry and upset about this. You should be feeling proud! You have done your job as a mom. You said you have struggled to cope financiallly and that he has been out of work. Well, now he is independant and taking care of himself, just like any real man should. Isn't that the way you raised him? Isn't that what you want for him, to be able to care for himself and one day his family? He can't grow if he continues to be a mama's boy! Don't make him feel bad for leaving the "nest". Call him often, go visit him (sometimes), and if it makes you feel better, take him a plant or something as a housewarming gift. And most importantly, tell him how proud you are of him for taking responsibility for himself. Continue to guide him and let him know that you will be there for him if he needs you. Don't be selfish Mom, let him go.....and YOU find a new hobby! Peace.

Answer 5

No it is not wrong but i think your son needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. I know you mention your financial worries so if you are struggling and in debt maybe you could go to citizens advice for some help with this. Take care x

Answer 6

Theres nothing wrong with what you are feeling. Its very natural. What you need to realise is that he might be feeling that he's just been a burden on you for the past years and wants to give you your space. If you are close to your son, I think you should speak with him and let him know and find out how he feels before you reach any conclusion.

Answer 7

I can understand that he will have his own place, but it sounds like he's not ready for it yet. You should talk to him, if it is possible, and try to get him out of it. Maybe he is stubborn, and want his own, well, I don't think there is much you can do if he don't want to stay with you. By the way, how old is the little gentleman, 15 or 25..(?)
John

Answer 8

Every thing is written in our destiny. When your son will live with you, and when he will leave you is all written in your horoscope. If you have a horoscope of your son, please see that and if you can notice that Sun, Saturn, Rahu, Ketu or Lord of 12th House are sitting in 4th house or are aspecting 4th house, no body on earth can make your son live with you. He is bound to leave you. Now, the question is about your being upset. One should be upset on a thing which is under his or her control, and he or she cannot control it. A thing which is not in your control, why should you be upset. Please learn to live with your destiny. Always remember God. He will guide you to lead your life in a peaceful manner.

Answer 9

Be supportive, be happy for him, he's trying to be independant and needs to prove he can do it, tell him if he needs anything he just have to ask and invite him to come home for sunday lunch. he probably saved very hard to have this chance so let him go and yes it is sad but you don't want him to be a mummy's boy forever.

Answer 10

He is being more independent just like I'm sure you wanted. I have heard many parents get upset when their children move out. It will pass with time.