I am very concerned...and sad?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and he had a son with another girl before we met. the girl seems to be a bad mom and has b-friends that might have abused the boy in some way...well my husband is thinking of fighting for custody of the boy who is 7 and lives with his grandparents. we have a 2 yr old baby girl and i am paranoid about a previously abused child being at my house with my husband and daughter alone while I am at work. I have a feeling I'll never feel comfortable of this and I'll live my life worrying. I want to help my husband and support him, but he's very carefree and doesnt think like a mom would.i mean you hear so many things nowadays that you can never be too protective of your kids. how can i help the situation? how can i bring it up to him to never leave the boy alone with the baby without him getting offended...im so scared..please help me.

Answer 1

the child that is 7 will need counselling and a loving home... you could do that for him

Answer 2

I'm not sure what you're scared of. Perhaps you think there is a chance that an abused child may in turn become an abuser, and you are worried for your baby girl. It is not possible to know if the 7 yr old boy might have been affected in a way that would make it unsafe to leave him alone with your daughter. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to say to your husband that you would welcome his son in your home, provided that he is not left alone with your daughter unsupervised, until such time as you can determine whether his behaviour is disturbed or not. In the meantimne you can give this poor child the loving family home he clearly needs. Just say to your husband that you feel sorry for his son, and want to help, but considering the trauma he's been through, and how it might have damaged him, you need to be vigilent. Your husband should be understanding. If he protests, remind him that he is lucky that you, as the mother of his second child, behave totally differently from the first and have the caring attitude of a good mother. Good luck.

Answer 3

You married him knowing about this child. Which means there could always be a chance this child would live with you at some point. Just because this child has been abused does not mean he is going to hurt the baby. You have to watch his behavior for a while. As his wife, as an adult, you have the chance to raise a young man who has gone through hell and make his life better. Once you BOTH see them together, if he does attempt to hurt the child, your husband will know how he may act. If you think your husband would allow your 2 year old get hurt, then I would re-think the husband. I know for sure I could walk out of my house knowing children in my home are/were protected by my husband. He would never leave a 2 year old alone anyway.

Answer 4

You just said "might have abused the boy", you don't even know that's a fact. If you are so concerned about the boy being a victim of abuse, then talk to your husband and suggest to him to take the boy to a doctor to have him checked. If there are signs of abuse then certain things have to be dealt with legally. Also, if there are signs of abuse, his ex will lose custody of the child cause obviously he isn't safe. He would need to be with his father. Not all children who have been abused are abusers. If you are so concerned about that, you need to be with the boy when he is around the baby. Watch how he is with the baby. If you are still paranoid about it, then take your baby to a relative, but if you don't trust your husband either then you have issues. Tell your husband you are concerned about the boy and go from there.

Answer 5

this is a tough one..you are going to have to have as erious talk with your husband about it, voice your concerns and come to an agreement. But remember too that sometimes, not in all cases, but in some, the abused dont grow up to be abusive. The thing is you said he MIGHT have, so its no definant thing that you know for sure has happened. Thing about the little boy and how he must feel having to go through so much at such a young age. he is going to need someone to show that they love him and care for him and not continue to treat him like an outcast. It is a tough situation to have to deal with, but you promised to be there bor better or worse with your husband, take it one day at a time and talk about what you feel all the time so that there wont be any hard feelign about anything. I'm sure in time you things will be just fine........... You never know he may come to be protective of her as apposed to wanting to harm her in any way. But then again you never really know. Just trust your instincts and you will see that things will work out the way they are suppose to inte long run.Good Luck!!

Answer 6

I think if he's only 7 he will be much better off living in a balanced home without abuse. I've been around abused kids plenty, what are you worried about regarding the boy being with your daughter and husband? Unless it's the husband that abused him I don't understand what the problem would be.

Answer 7

Approach him with concern and care for his son first. Tell him because of how he was raised and the chance of abuse, he will probably need counseling, and for that matter you feel the whole family should get counseling so that you are prepared to come together as a complete family. It is his son, and you are his wife, but I completely understand your want and need to protect your daughter as you should. Also, your daughter should be old enough by the time all the legalities get taken care of to begin talking to her about personal space, private parts etc. No matter who is around your daughter or son, you should always let them know their bodies are theirs and NO ONE no matter who they are family or friend should be allowed to do anything like that to them. So even if your step-son wasn't in the situation he was in you would still be preventative about that stuff anyway right? This is very delicate and only you know your husbands personality and how he takes things in a conversation/fight/etc. But don't accuse or assume that his son will do these things, you simply want to prevent ANY situation. If his mother was a bad mother and inattentive etc. He may have a lot more issues than that as well. So you just want to let him know you just want to be prepared as a family to welcome his son and provide for him the way he deserves and in turn that will take care of the family as a whole. I hope all works out for you and his son can and will overcome his past. Take Care and God Bless.

Answer 8

Wow...this is a tuffy! Well, i would say to ease your worrying, support your husband and suggest that he get custody of his son, because if not, and something happens to the child, then it will be on your conscious. The thing is to prevent the "could've..should've..would'ves". Do something about it now while you can and totally stand behind your husband on this because it is too important...the welfare of a child is at stake here. That is something that can't be forgotten, ignored or put off. In the meantime, express as gently as possible your concerns of the son being left alone with the baby because yes, things do happen unfortunately.

Answer 9

You shouldn't be scared and you sure are going to offend him. An abused child doesnt need to feel like an alien. I do not feel your concerns are warranted. Hopefully this child can get the love, support, and therapy he needs. If this child can't or shouldnt be with his mom, it is with your husband he should be. Most abused people do NOT abuse others and we are talking about a 7 year old. Discuss your concerns with a doctor. Take in this child and treat him as your own.

Answer 10

Well first of all i just want to let you know that i was physically abused when i was growing up.

now when you both take this little boy in you will be his mother, yes you are not his biological mother but you are married to his father, and that instantly becomes your son. you must treat him as if he was your own. he will need your love , support, and guidance. it is not necessarily that he will be abusive too. but you can change his life with the right guidance. bring him up as you would your own. yes there will be concerns about him being around your daughter but again thats where guidance comes from and that is you the parents. just be there for the little one. it will be fine. get counseling, treat him with love, show him you care, and that no one will ever hurt him again. trust me, you will feel better when you see him all grown up and all is well because of YOU making a difference. YOU will be fine.
i come form a family of 5, our dad was abusive and we broke the chain and promised ourselves that we would never let our children go through the same. and today we live happily.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 11

Just because the 7 year old has been abused does not mean that he will hurt your baby girl. I have 3 step children who were previously abused before they lived with me and my son. They love me a whole lot for helping them to have a loving home, they are not violent and would not hurt anyone. Kids are Kids they just need love. Talk to your husband about it, you need to be sure that your child is safe with him under any circumstances.