Should I want to be around someone who molested me 20 years ago?

Question

When I was 13, I was molested by my brother in law. I was scared to death to tell because I was afraid nobody would believe me and that I would not be allowed to see my little nieces ever again. As the years went by, I resented him more and more. Eventually, I wanted to stop going to all family functions and my Mom pushed me for answers as to why. I finally told her, got therapy, and eventually told my sister. In the past 4 years, I have been going to family stuff and feeling horrible. He is at everything. Recently, I left a party early because I simply don't want to be around him. In addition to the anxiety I feel about him, my 4 siblings are much older than me and I have never felt like I fit in. My sister asked me why I left and I said it is because I feel uncomfortable around the family and I feel bad being around my molester. She said I need therapy and that I act like I am 14 because my son and I have been living with my parents for 7 years. I feel strongly that I am not wrong.

Answer 1

he has no right to do that to you. If I was there I would send a couple of pipe hitting niggres to take care of business. You know what i am saying.

Answer 2

As an adult, you have to be responsible for you, but it's not to say what happened 20 years ago was a forget-about-it-and-move-on thing. This man has violated your privacy and your personal being. This can affect ANY type of relationship you have with ANYONE (including yourself).

If there are no statute of limitations where you live for RAPE (that's what happened to you) or child molestation, you should report him to the police and stress (if he has any) that this man may have or will do this to his children. He's a Pedophile that's incurable and HAS to be AWAY from children.

If you feel this action alienates your family, so be it. Instead of them trying to investigate what has happened to you, they threw you to someone OUTSIDE the family to help you out. Maybe because they don't know how to handle the situation, but at least they could've been there to stand by you.

It's understandable your sister would get defensive. Your making an accusation that could hurt your sisters marriage and this is a heavy thing to deal with. But you know what? You've carried something heavier for 20 years and your family is choosing to look the other way. Why should you carry the burden of your families guilt?

Press charges and put him away. He took away your life. Now let's see how he feels when it's done to him.

Payback's a b*tch and so is your pain.

Answer 3

Yes you should want to be around him, but only long enough to choke the living s**t out of him, or pull the trigger. Seriously though, don't go to the family functions if he's there. Does your entire family know about this? If so, then you need a new family honey, because this in NOT NORMAL family behavior. To make yourself feel better I'd go to the next family function where everyone's gonna be, and say that you want to make an announcement. Then calmly and with poise and grace, stand up and say who the person is, and exactly what he did, then tell them that in light of that fact you will no longer attend family functions when he will be there. Then, put on your coat, pick up your purse, and hit the door without looking back! I'm sure your point will be well made. I can't for the life of me understand why you sister would want to be with that a**hole after what he did to you. Has she ever considered what he's done/doing/about to do to his own girls? Quite frankly, YOUR SISTER IS THE ONE THAT NEEDS HELP!!! Stick to your guns on this one girl. Good luck!

Answer 4

Of course you are not wrong! Good for you. The thing I can't believe is that your sister stays with this wierdo. I wonder if he molested his daughters too? Maybe they haven't had the courage to admit it yet. Your sister needs to show more sympathy to you and try to understand. But she may never do it.
How insensitive. I'm really sorry you have to go through that. It must hurt immensly. Maybe you should just stay away so you won't be hurt over and over. In fact I suggest that you run the opposite direction. Why don't you move to a different state far away so that you have a good excuse not to go to all these family functions- that would be the best thing. Sometimes you need an emotional break. You may get lonely at first, but I believe you can get over that. Of course this may be impossible because you may not be able to afford it. Is your son a result of his molesting you? Bless your heart, do what makes you feel comfortable and never feel guilty for taking care of your emotional health. You don't owe them any appologies for not showing up to family functions. Just try to get away. That's what I would do. Get away.

Answer 5

It's hard to deal with molestation at any age. I didn't tell my Mom that I was molested until I was 30. There is something critical going on in you though. You haven't let it go. I know the thought is appalling. But forgiveness is the key to you being able to move on. It's a process. Sometimes it's painful, but one that is worth it. I do have one question for you. Did you ever blame yourself? Or do you still blame yourself for what happened? It seems as though you are victimizing yourself everytime you see him.

This is your family and you are allowing this to separate you from them. Make a decision to not let that event rule your life. If you don't journal, try it. It's a great way to release anxieties and other emotions. Are you part of a support group? That is a great way to find support and information. Lastly you need coping skills. Your sister and other family members can not imagine the eruption of emotions that you're going through. Invite them to a support group meeting or a counseling session. If they can't handle it then unfortunately you have to go it alone. I did. But remember, you're really not alone. There are many like us who have and are dealing with it. Find someone who is willing to listen, not judge and can give sound advise.

Though the incident happened to you, it affects your family. (Believe me - they won't all get it. But don't get discouraged.) As we say here, "Keep it on the I". In other words, focus on you and your family. You can and will go from victim to victor.

Now, the reason why you choose to live with your parents (for 7 yrs) is a separate issue and needs to be addressed as well. But not right now. I would like to discuss it with you further if you'd like.

Just an FYI - I'm now a behavioral science student preparing for licensure as counselor. I also hold certifications in Life & Biblical Coaching, Assessments and Biblical Counseling. I can send you some things that may help you if you'd like. Let me know.

God bless.

Answer 6

Lisa P, 20 years is a long time. Of course you will never really forget the ordeal. But he and you have aged a great deal. How old was he then, early to late teens. Reality is he was probably at that awkward stage of life, not defending him but he may have changed and feel remorseful now. Does he remember it, was it regulary or a once off. Do you want to go through life ignoring your family? We only live once, life is short. Confront him if you can, it may even be something that he doesnt even remember. Provided you don't think he has or is continueing to do this to anyone else, don't raise the issue with his family. I too had bad experiences when I was young but I tried never to mull over the past. The result being I can face my preditors, I pretend not to remember, I dont even think he does. We all have sketetons in our closet, its just how you deal with them that makes life easier or difficult. Dont forgive him, just get on with life, you are wasting it away by hiding. And it makes him a winner, dont let him win.

Answer 7

NO, you are not wrong. My wife was molested around the same age. She is free from all that baggage now through counseling and has been able to grant forgiveness in her own heart. However, due to the fact that her molester has never confronted his own actions and asked for forgiveness, then it is perfectly natural to still be uncomfortable around the perpetrator. See if it's possible to do things alone with your sister and her kids. Find out when he's at work. Also let HIM know that forgiveness is available if he should want it but you don't desire to be around him until he really wants it and takes actions such as professional counseling to confront his actions. Hope this helps.

Answer 8

I do want to answer this question, but believe there is more I would need to know...if you'll update your question, I will edit this later with a fuller response. I believe I can help you, but just need more data:

1. What has been the specific fallout against your brother in law once this was revealed?

2. Is the sister who said you need therapy the same sister who is married to this person?

3. When you finally told you mom, what was her specific reaction (emotional, etc) and how was the decision made for you to enter therapy? Who else weighed in on that decision?

Thanks

Answer 9

sorry to hear that happened to you, but you're not wrong for the way you feel, this guy did something horrible to you, no matter how much therapy you get it doesn't mean that you will want to be in the same room as the molester, if your family knows what he has done then they shouldn't be inviting him to get togethers, etc if they are going to continue letting him come and not try to figure out a way when he can show up later after you have left or earlier then its probably best to not show up at these get togethers, because basically they are excusing his behavior and not having any respect for your feelings or what happened to you...

Answer 10

So you told your mother and your sister and neither of them care to do or say anything to this twerp. No you should not feel bad about not wanting to be around him. I was molested as a child (younger then 13) and when I came out about it, I put that mother-****** in jail. In just reading what you've said, I'm enraged that your own mother and your sister that is married to this man, simply said you needed therapy. I never had therapy and don't need it now. I fear for his kids.

Answer 11

No you are not wrong. Your sister needs help for being so naive as to remain with a man who molested you! If I were you, I would confront him, in a letter if you can;t do it face to face, and tell him what he did to you emotionally. Confront him in front of her! He will likely deny it - did he ever admit it?
Maybe you should try to move on and live on your own. That could help you get the confidence you need to face what happened, deal with it, and go forward. You can't change what he did, and you don;t have to be around him, but if it still afefcts you like it does, maybe you should continie counseling so what he did can stop controlling you.