What should I do?

Question

Here's the deal, every my family and another family get together for dinner. We switch off between hosting each week. Problem is, when they're over at my house, we make it a point to have a good meal. Usually steaks on the grill or something really yummy that me and my husband put time and effort into. We like to make it a good dinner for all. When we go over there though, they usually just order pizza, and that's assuming we eat at all. It's really quite annoying and unthoughtful. How would you approach the situation?

PS: We really like these people, they're really nice and we always have a good time. But I feel that my family is the only one trying with the dinner thing.

I know they know how to cook, we've done the nice thanksgiving/ christmas dinner thing before, so they're capable of the actual food preperation. And I know it's not a $$ issue either. Don't ask how I know, but I know. I'm also not making nice meals to "impress" anyone. It's what you do when you invite someone over for dinner. We're even semi-formal about the invites too... we make sure (even though we do it every week!) that who ever's turn it is to host, calls up and officially invites the other family to dinner on Friday or Saturday evening (or does so in person). So it's not like dinner isn't implied. I'm just frustrated with feeling like I'm the only one who cares about the way things should be.

Answer 1

Try opening a discussion when the meal is at your house that would involve helping to plan the meal at theirs - or change up how you do the meal and make it a "pot luck" deal where you provide the main entree when at your home and ask the other family to bring the sides - tell them you are grilling steaks and baking potatoes and would they bring the salad and a dessert then when you go to their home ask what the menu for the main entree is going to be cuz you want to bring the sides and dessert - Good Luck!

Answer 2

There are several possibilities you could take:

1. Nicely ask them if they would mind just upping the quality of the dinner a little bit.

2. Serve the same quality food they do.

3. Just stop eating dinner at their house, and just invite them over to yours.

4. Stop all the dinner get togethers as a whole.

5. Help them cook part of the meal when it is at their house.

In my opinion, option 5 is the best. Maybe you could start a new thing where each family helps bring one of the side dishes or salad, and the host family cooks the main course. If you start brining over nice side dishes to their house, then maybe they will start cooking better meals, or even cooking for that matter. The key is to do everything with a truly sincere heart. People can tell. Also, maybe your friend is not a great cook. If not, you could make it a fun deal in which you both cook dinner together, but you teach her as she goes. Again, just do everything as sincerely as possible and everything should go fine.

Answer 3

Okay, let's see if I understand the dilemma... you want this thing to be the same at their house as it is at your house. The other couple is probably either unaware that you're unhappy with their behavior, or they don't care. If they're unaware, if you can find the right way to tip them off, then their behavior should change. If they don't care, then it's you who will have to change if you want to keep being friends with them.

Ways you can prompt them include things like this:
(1) Next time they invite you, be sure you're hearing the word dinner. Then ask what you're having to eat, in a very casual tone. If they say, oh, I don't know, probably pizza, you can always tell them that pizza's started giving you heartburn and you'd like to have something else, if possible. If they say, gee, I don't know, you can offer to come over early and help fix something.
(2) Be funny. "I'm wondering if you guys ever cook!"
(3) Tell them. "Hey, you know, I love you guys, and I love how we get together every week. But it kind of bothers me that you guys don't ever cook anything. What's up with that?"

One thing is sure... the problem is that it bothers YOU... so YOU have to decide. Is it worth maybe causing a rupture with these friends to get to the bottom of the problem? Or is it something you're willing to overlook because you really like these people?

Answer 4

First of all: DO NOT BE HONEST AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU FEEL!

That would ruin everything!

Life has taught me that you should approach these quandaries with sneaky deceitfulness.

So you should invite a third couple with whom you're really close for the next dinner you host. Say that they are in town for a visit. Let them comment how nice the dinner is. You will then proceed to tell them how it's a tradition between the four of you. They will then comment on how nice the table is set up and how nice the food is, and how important some effort is to make it a truly enjoyable experience. Then your guest should turn to the other (Pizza) couple and ask them if they do the same thing.

If they answer something like "we like to keep it informal and order in to create some contrast", you're guest should make a face and say something like "how inconsiderate".

Sorry, my specialty is sports.

Answer 5

Hey, there's always a positive way of looking at things. Yes, it seems that your efforts to create a complete meal aren't being matched by your friends. However, perhaps by ordering pizza etc., your friends don't need to go through making a big mess in the kitchen before and after eating and are instead choosing a convenient food which will allow them to instead focus on spending time enjoying your company instead of washing all those darn dishes, etc. If you look at it this way, it could almost be taken as a compliment to your company?

Answer 6

It's up to you. Making special food makes you look classier, but I don't think that you care about that. Do what's in your heart and let them know that you are going to be practicing some new recipe ideas, that are more casual.Maybe you could move down to just serving snacks instead.You could also talk to them and ask them what they are serving at their house so you don't duplicate what they are making(maybe it will give them a hint). I'm in a similiar situation. I have meeting that I go to weekly and everyone has a night to bring food.In the beginning people brought good stuff and then it turned into chips and sweets.I've decided that I'm still going to bring something nice no matter what.

Answer 7

You shouldn't do "something nice" if it is going to make you fee resentful. Suddenly it isn't nice anymore, it's something you feel obligated to do and what... are you trying to get browny points with them or with other people?
If you are going to serve steaks or a really nice meal, that is a giving thing.. if it's done in a giving context. If you give with an open hand and don't expect equal re-imbursement, you will be happier and more accepting of other people and their different ways.
The resentment you are building up will eventually be felt if you don't say anything, then you and your friends with prob just drift apart. Get rid of the resentment and everyone is happy.

Answer 8

Next time order Pizza as they do. Keep it on the same level. I truly understand that you're doing your best to make good meal, but they MUST do at least the same back to you....
P.S. Probably after you gone, they eat normal food...
P.S. And nice got nothing to do with it, people can murder with smile on theyr face. So, what your friends do isn't nice to me.
P.S. Don't explain i get the picture, i don't see it as an race of being better than another one. But they should put more attention to quality of your time sharing together.

Answer 9

well do they know they are supposed to supply you with dinner? Why dont you have dinner before they come and then order a pizza if you are hungry. maybe they dont have money to supply what you can. or maybe you bring a steak to their house and then you will have a good dinner there too.

if you are a good freind, then just let it be. Im sure they appreciate the good company.

Answer 10

If it really upsets you, you should say something. But, of course there are more tactful. I would say the next time you are hosting, you should suggest, "You know what we should try next time? _____!" Also, make sure they know how much you enjoy the work you put into the party when it's at your house and how it makes you feel proud. That should change their mind into at least tying something that required a little more effort.