Any1 got ane jokes?

Question

Like How do u no wen a blondes havin a bad day? Her tampons behind her ear and she don't no where her pencil is!!lol!1

Answer 1

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to
a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his
bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet,
gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall
screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

Answer 2

THIS ONE"S DEDICATED TO BUSH!!!!!!!!!

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush walked to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to London where they boarded an open 17th century coach attached to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, waved to the thousands of Britons lining the streets, all was going well.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence (In case you are wondering its called fart), and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

Bush replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

Answer 3

hope u like it.for ur information sardarji's are a grouth of ppl from north india(who wear turbans..).punjabi's have the custom of not cutting thier hair ever!

1 .
Sardar: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Y?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Y did'nt u Xchnged?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower
Berth..

2 .
Sardar tells a girl "Come 2 my house at night,nobody
Will b there.............
Girl goes at night & really nobody was there.

3 .
A SARDAR went 2 a BANK to open a S.B. A/C.After seeing
the Form He had gone to DELHI for Filling up. U knows
y?
FORM said "FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

4 .
A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered
huge Loss.
Do u know what the business was? . . . . . He opened a
Saloon in Punjab!.

5 .
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India
afterEvery 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

6 .
Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r
others running?

7 .
Sardar had twins; he named them Tin & Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again d same. disgusted Sardar named them
TIRED&RETIRED!

8 .
19 SARDARS WENT 4A FILM.ON ASKING THEM Y THEY CAME IN
A BIG GROUP OF 19?
THEY REPLIED THAT THE FILM WAS ONLY FOR ABOVE 18...

9 .
A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face
in a funeral function, suddenly all relatives beat him
why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

10 .
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

11 .
Srdr gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs
tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he
does this.
Srdr:"I've been promoted as branch manager."

12 .
Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth................. WHY?
because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should
be light"

13.
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure as to what to be filled in column
"Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote :Yes!

14.
SARDAR & FAMILY GO 2 A PARTY. HE INTRODUCES HIMSELF -
I SARDAR,SHE SARDARNEE,
THE BOY MY KID & THE GIRL MY KIDNEY....

15.
One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his
college.U knw Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is
leaking...

16.
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It"s already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

17.
Santa! Your daughter has died! Depressed, Sardar jumps
from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!At
25flr:I'm unmarried!
At 10flr:I'm Banta not santa

18.
ON A ROMANTIC DATE SARDARS GIRL FRIEND ASKS
HIM,DARLING ON OUR ENGAGEMENT WILL U GIVE ME A RING?
HE SAID YA SURE WHATS YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

19.
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question
ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

20.
A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was
laughing.
A bystander: why are u laughing?
Sardar: I have a Airtel cell phone but still hutch
network is following me.

21.
Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket.
Dealer gave 11 cr after deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs
back.!

22.
A teacher told all students in a class to write an
essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.He wrote
"DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

23.
Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This
Packet Sardar:- why did u come so far.
Instead u could have posted it....

24.
What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling
mistakes.

25.
Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1yr elder
to you'...........
Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you NEXT
YEAR.

26.
WHY CANT SARDARS DIAL NINE-ELEVEN (911) AT EMERGENCY?
** THEY CAN NOT FIND THE ELEVEN ON THE PHONE.

27.
Sardar & his wife buy coffee in a shop.Sardar
says...Drink quickly......
Wife asks why... sardar says hot coffee Rs5 and cold
coffee Rs10

28.
A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR

29) Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my
grandpa who died peacefuly in his sleep not screamin
like all d passengers in d car he was driving..

31) Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

32) Sardar was writing something very slowly. Friend
asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read
very fast.

33) Sardar news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a
graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found
500 bodies and are still digging for more..

34)A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes
walking at evening not in the morning.
Sardarjireplied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".

35) Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Srdr goes2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON D OXGN TUBE!"

36)Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with
his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said-im seeing how i look while sleeping.

Answer 4

What does your daddy do for a living?

Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "He plays for the Minnesota Vikings, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Answer 5

birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest
gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered
with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed
up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.

Here is the note the young man sent to his sweetheart:

Darling,

I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen long
ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that
are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from
showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and they
looked really smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time.
No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure
to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I
hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love.

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.




A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a
bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of
the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she
came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old
lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old
woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls
are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You
can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would
you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet
$25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then
said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring
my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!"
replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning
from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were
square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the
president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet
again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at
his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said
the president,"$ 25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the
hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I
bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the
Bank of Canada's balls in my hand

Answer 6

A young Ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a show in a very small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee."

Answer 7

funni joke but what about this 1

there is 2 men dwalfs they go out to a night club and find 2 women dwalfs they take them bac to their rooms.
dwalf 1 says to dwalf 2 im gonna try n have n erection dwalf 2 sed me to. so they went off in to their rooms all dwalf 1 could here all night was dwalf 2 going 123 huh 123 huh 123 huh.
in the morning dwalf 2 sed dwalf 1 how did it go .
dwalf 1 sed it went great wot about you well it could of been betta if i could even get on to the bed lol

Answer 8

Two friends Billooo & Tillooo went to school for appearing in English exam (7th standard). They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately, in the question-paper it was written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER” in just 30-45 words .So Billooo was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do!!! Tillooo gave an idea . . . . Just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the father..... So this was how Billooo & Tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......Fathers & fathers are everywhere, but good fathers are very rare. I have so many fathers, but my best father is pyarelal. He is my neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much.

Answer 9

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a cup of boiling water, the barman asks why he wants the water, the vampire pulls out a used tampon and says he wants a cup of tea.

Answer 10

I ordered a blond beer at a bar. It tasted ok except for the strands of hair in it. i'll a nightclub on Friday evening, and that i'm bringing a Christmas cracker. i wish to pull.