My sister has offended the whole family, should i continue to help her?

Question

My sister is 50yrs of age and is married with 4 children. She is the eldest of 6 children and has a different father to the rest of us. My sister and her husband have financial difficulties, and i am the only one in the family who offers her any regular form of assistance. The problem is my sister's demands are often very forceful and annoying and that is why other siblings do not help. She seems to think we owe her and that she should get a share in the legacy our father left. Her father is alive but she seems to think that at age 70, our mother should be responsible for her and is often very hostile when she cannot meet her demands. Her own father and husband are exempt. Recently my sister has really insulted our mother she has also said she wants nothing to do with her and has said we her siblings should view her as a friend! I have not spoken to her since this happened. I am VERY UPSET. She needs the financial help, do i continue to help her? I feel like a traitor if i do.

Answer 1

NO It is time for her to stand on her own 2 feet. TOUGH LOVE HERE! Don't give in to her any longer. She is using you!

Answer 2

Well it's really up 2 U. Under the circumstaces she is old enough 2 help herself and that's y she has a husband as well. I might have said yes 2 a point, because I only have 1 sibling who is willing 2 help me if it's possible when I need help and I'm pretty much the oldest w/2 children and single and it's good 2 know if they don't have no one 2 depend on @ least she has u, but that is pretty deep on her demands. I wouldn't help her unless it wuz a major need, not because she just needs it or wants it that is what her husband it 4. She can't continue 2 think she can use u and that's what it sounds like that u always been at her beck and call and she knows this, so she might try and work on week points to get what she want, but don't let her, cuz that happens in my family alot and I'm just learning myself not 2 let my family wk on my weekness. I'm the only person in my entire family all the way down the line who is dependent and everyone else including my mom and so fourth, so I understand what ur going thru. If u r willing 2 help her in the future than u need 2 make some guide lines w/her and let her know what u will and will not help her with and excatly how much u will help her finacially and if she can't except it then tell her u won't send her anythig at all. No u won't be a traitor if u don't help her cause she's old enough once again, however if the kids need help I would help them, but not her, and hopefully the kids r still under the age of 18. U can also tell her if she keeps disrespecting ur mother in front of u. U will no longer help her and if she dosen't have anything good 2 say about ur mom then tell her not 2 speak 2 u at all about her. Hope this helped some. U can e-mail me back if u need 2 continue this question

Answer 3

I think its time your fifty year old sister supported her own children. Regardless of whether she has a different father to her other siblings. We all have some form of financial difficulties at one time or anoher. As for your sister being forceful she may be the eldest but that doesnt give her any reason to be a bully. Why didnt she get a legacy from her stepfather (your father,) if he brought her up then maybe she should have been included.
Better that you all sit down as a family and talk it through she seems to feel left out. If you cant help you have done your best and should not feel like a traitor. Best of luck.

Answer 4

Please do not continue to help your sister financially. I understand why you are torn in two over this situation but you need to take time out to deal with your feelings first. In hurting your mother, your sister has clearly hurt you and that is understandable. You obviously love and care for your mother and are disgusted at the way your sister has treated her. It hurts to see your mother hurting and you are feeling very protective towards her - that's because you are a kind, sensitive person and a good daughter - your sister is a different kettle of fish.

I suspect that, because she has a different father, your mother has always over-compensated her so that she didn't feel 'different' or left out. As a parent, guilt is the worst emotion to have to deal with and a child that can make a parent feel guilty is always onto a good thing. Unfortunately your sister has completely abused your mother's good nature and good intentions and has probably had for some time the attitude 'she can help me or she can pay it for me'. Instead of being grateful for your mother's kindness she has taken it for granted and used it to her own advantage. Did she insult your mother because she couldn't get her own way or couldn't get what she wanted for the first time ever? That is usually when the crunch comes. How your sister can expect you and your siblings to view her as a friend while at the same time she hurts your mother just goes to prove how incredibly selfish she is. In truth, your mother's only mistake has been doing too much for her and it should stop NOW. It doesn't sound like your sister has ever given anything in return - not even love and respect - and it's time she learnt to. At the age of 50 she ought to be ashamed of herself. Two age-old sayings apply here: You have to be cruel to be kind. and: you have to learn the hard way. Stay with your other siblings as a united front to comfort and protect your mother and pay no more attention to your sister's demands. You don't have to argue with her, just simply say that you are not in a position to help at the moment.

After 50 years of constantly giving to your sister, your mother is obviously devastated at the recent developments. Let her talk about it, it'll probably be 5 or more times a day because it will keep going over and over in her mind. Just let her keep getting it off her chest and give her a hug when it really gets her down or makes her cry and reassure her that she has been a wonderful mother and that the rest of you love her dearly and are grateful for all that she has done for you.

Family rifts are very painful and can go on for months or, at worst, even years. The fallout can spread outwards to aunts, uncles, cousins and godparents and even grandchildren. Try not to get drawn into the middle of it all and don't get used as a messenger. Make sure you have someone you can talk to when it all gets u down, either your partner/husband or a very good friend. Take care and I hope your sister sees the error of her ways very soon and apologises, firstly to your mother and then to the rest of you. x

Answer 5

First, of all your sister needs to grow up & realize that the world or your mother for that matter do not owe her a living. She needs some sort of counciling.Maybe she has some unresolved emotional issues due to the fact that her father is a different one than the rest of you. Maybe in some warped way she feels left out & acts out in this manner even at her age to get attention.I give you kudos for helping your sister,but somebody has to draw the line somewhere. You sound like a very nice person who would probably go without to help your sibling.I suggest you get counciling in order for you to get your feelings in order before dealing with your sister,maybe then you will feel better about your whole family sityation. Good Luck!!!

Answer 6

Poor you! It sounds like your sister has got a huge chip on her shoulder for some reason, it seems as though she sees herself as different to everyone else - and maybe she's even a bit jealous, but that is probably because she has been allowed to feel that way for all these years!

You need to give her a rude awakening and ignore her demands - but you will need to explain to her the reasons why, because otherwise she mights think you are all against her and 'ganging up' on her.

We make our own way in life and shouldn't have to rely on other people - especially if we are not going to treat them right when they do help!

I am sure that you have your own problems to deal with - does she ever help you in times of need?

I hope it works out in the end, it is horrible having family 'feuds' - at least you can choose your Friends!!

Answer 7

If she is 50 years old then say no. Alot of people have financial difficulties. But if she's 50 years old then her 4 children will be about 20. What does she need money for? I bet she still lives in a house big enough for her 4 children. No, she is still old enough to work and still old enough to get a loan out. Let her find her own feet. It is not your responsibility to help her with money, because you won't see that money again and it is holding you back!

Answer 8

Your sister has been treated differently all her life - because she has a different father. Perhaps you all put up with her nonsense to compensate?
That's no excuse for rudeness. We all have problems and the grown up thing is not to make someone else's life a misery. Tell her she is your sister, you refuse to see it any other way. That you're offended by her treatment of your mother. That you love her and care for her but want to see some sort of apology. Money shouldn't come into it. It is up to you if you want to help her but that isn't the issue here, is it? BYW - does she have reason for her hostility? I resent things in my past which no one wants to acknowledge or hear about. So I bury them deep for the sake of everyone, but every now and again, i erupt. It isn't worth the distress though. Take no nonsense - tell her her behaviour is unacceptable.

Answer 9

No sister should ever make another make a choice between them and another family member, it's not fair at all. At the age of 50 your sister should be old enough to fend for herself, OK, fair enough, you should help her, if she's having major problems, but it's probably better if you help her to help herself, maybe encourage her to get a better paid job or to get her husband to get a better paid job, but don't keep giving her hand outs all the time, she sounds like a very ungrateful person, it sounds to me like the more you give her the more she'll expect you to give her, that's not a good thing. You should try to keep in touch with all your family, after all they are flesh and blood (even if only half). Explain the way you feel to your sister, if she truly cares about you, she'll understand, if she rejects you, I'm afraid there's not much hope, but I doubt if she will reject you considering you're the one who helps her.

Answer 10

Your sister is showing classic symptoms of displacement. Her time has come and gone; the only way she can be a presence in your lives is to cause hurt and pain because she knows she can no longer gain your affection or trust. It is difficult but either you or a group of you must put a stop to this behaviour.It's time to tether the ties, financial if not familial for the sake of the rest of the family.

Answer 11

it seems like your sister is using emotional blackmail in order to get what she want's. At her age this is innappropraite behaviour - you are right to feel angry and upset - at the end of the day she is your sister but to keep providing her with financial help; whatever the reason; only makes the problem worse - she should not be depending on other people to keep bailing her out - you need to draw the line at some point. she is your sister and you no doubt love her but you are assisting her in dependence upon you. good luck!