Good jokes and riddles! I need good jokes and riddles!?

Question

Try not to make the jokes dumb/stupid/old! And try to make mutiple jokes too!

Answer 1

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids

The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"

The woman says: "No, he's 9 years old and she's 7

Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got shagged twice"

Answer 2

WHY THANKSGIVING DINNER IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.

9 The turkey never suffers from modesty.

8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.

7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.

6. There are always at least two kinds of dessert, with or without whipped cream.

5. They give you the day off with pay to have dinner.

4. Thanksgiving dinner is a 'sure thing.'

3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!

2. No one's feelings are hurt when you fall asleep afterward.

1. You're expected to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.

Answer 3

There are two nuns walking from the store. (Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical) when they notice a man following them. They speed up and notice that the man speeds up. So they start to run, but the man chases them.

Sister Logical: Logically if we drop the bags we will be able to go faster.

Sister Mathematical: That's right we will be lighter so we can achieve a greater speed.

They drop the bags and as they both knew they would they started to run faster, but also the man ran faster.

Sister Mathematical: We need to split up to increase our odds of escape.

Sister Logical: Yes that is the logical answer he cant chase us both.

They split up and and the man starts to chase Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical makes to the convent safely but worries about her companion. Ten minutes later Sister Logical walks through the door.

Sister Mathematical: I'm relieved that youve made it but i have to know how you got away. I thought that he would catch you being men are fatser than women.

Sister Logical: Well after we split up i treid running throught an alley to evade him but i there was nowhere to go.

Sister Mathematical: Well then dont keep me waiting how did you get away.

Sister Logical: Well I was in the against the wall and he was inching toward me so i pulled up my habit.

Sister Mathematical: And

Sister Logical: Well its logical my dear, a nun with her habit up can run faster that a man with his pants down

Answer 4

I have a good one:
The SAS are recruiting a new agent. They find three volunteers and they go to the SAS base. An SAS Officer tells them what they need to do to qualify as an agent.
"In the room in front of you, there is your wife, on a chair. There is a gun of the front of her, take that and shoot her."

So the first man goes in, and there is no noise for a minute, then he comes out and says,
"I can't do it, I can't shoot my own wife."

So in goes the second man, and after two minutes he comes out, and says,
""I can't do it either, I can't shoot my own wife."

So in goes the third man. There are bangs and loud noises coming from the room. After 10 minutes, he comes out sweating and red in the face and says,
"The gun was filled with blanks so I beat her to death with the chair."

-------- ---------- ---------- --------- ----------

Ha ha ha!!!
IF YOU DON'T GET IT, READ ON...

See, the SAS just want to know if they would shoot their own wife. So they fill the gun with blanks so it will show their courage, but not kill the wife.
But the third guy thinks you have to kill her, so when he shoots her and its filled with blanks, he beats her to death with the chair.
He he he...

Answer 5

once i had heard it it tv i think its funny
mama had a cow
mama had chicken
dad was proud
now i dunt know how
cuz i forgot the rest
wow who knew i m so good

Answer 6

Yes I need too.

Answer 7

J's on my foot is absolutely right!

Answer 8

Kinda picky aren't ya ??!!

Answer 9

too many rules

Answer 10

why?