is this giving in?

Question

my 4 year old has recently started whinning when i leave the room after putting him to bed ("i need to pee", "turn the light on", i want to sleep w/ the door open" ... please don't comment about how bad of a parent i am that i close the door and turn out the lights)

we are going to a free movie at the mall tomorrow. I told him that if he went to bed w/o whinning he could have popcorn. well... he didn't. So...

If i give him a different snack while we're there is that giving in?

I would be doing it for my own sanity... to not have to hear him whine for popcorn.... and i didn't tell him he couldn't have a snack just not popcorn right?

what do you think? am i justifing my self?

before bed he goes potty and has a sip of water. having his door closed is for safety reason... a fire will get into a room quicker if the door is open.

Answer 1

Your fine, you told him No popcorn, so as long as you don't give him popcorn, but I wouldn't give him any candy or anything like that, but you should give him something.

Answer 2

I so hear you.

We were going to go to a free movie and then to the water park tomorrow, but my 5 & 6 year old sons didn't get their room cleaned, so now we're not going. I think it's absolutly essential that when I tell them something will or won't happen if they do what they're told, that the consequence - good or bad- happen. I really wanted to see the movie too.

Maybe you could take him to the park or go to the library instead. But try not to let him know early on that you're a softie, or he'll be whining when he's in college. lol

By the way, I don't think you're a bad parent for turning out the light and closing the door. I do it too. If there were to be a fire in the house, your child would be protected longer by a closed door than an open or ajar one.

Be strong.

Answer 3

The whining child will only whine more if you give in at all, at any time. No giving in, and within a few days, the whining stops. Be prepared to not stay for that movie if you want to follow thru.

The key to stopping the whining is twofold. There's the whiny voice which is irritating as can be. Tell the child if he whines, from now on you'll reply in a whiny voice. Demonstrate for him how to ask without whining, then demonstrate what a whiney voice is like. Next time he talks in a whiney voice, you answer the same way, with as much whine as you can fit in. Do this every time he whines. Discipline him in a whiney voice, exagerate it. The kid will hate hearing you talk that way. Tell him how irritating a whiny voice can be.

Second, to avoid temper tantrums and whining, be prepared. Before going anywhere, tell the child what will happen if he whines or throws a fit. Tell him before getting out of the car that if he throws a fit you will be going home. Then, go home as soon as a fit happens. Do this a few times, but every single time, and the kid will quickly stop the fits.

As for the movie and popcorn, no, don't give him popcorn. Feed him a lot, before the movie, and give him nothing during the movie. That way, he won't be hungry, and he'll just have to do without. Tell him before the movie , just once, that he gets no popcorn and nothing else, and if he thinks he can't handle that, you won't go into the movie. Tell him it's his choice. Tell him if he begs for food at the movie, at all, you will be going home. Doesn'tmatter how much you want to see the movie, doesn't matter if it's free. What matters is your sanity and the child's behavior. Nip the bad habits now, and they won't return, unless you let them.

I have encountered many a stressed parent and temper throwing, whiney child at a store, and the parent finally gives in to the child. No wonder the kid was throwing a fit. They knew the parent would finally give in.

When my kids were little, I always fed them before entering a store (or brought a snack along) so they were not starving and wanting everything in site. They only threw a few store fits, and we left instantly, with the kid sent to their room as soon as we got home. No more fits.

Good luck. Enjoy the movie.

Answer 4

With a child that young, its difficult to get them to understand the behavior and how it relates to the "much later" consequence. Even though he hears what it means, he doesn't make the connection between his behavior and the consequence. Consequences for bad or poor behavior have to be immediate with someone as young as 4. Set boundaries for him at bedtime. Make sure he goes to the bathroom before bedtime, and do not allow any drinks half hour beforehand. Maybe compromise by having a nightlight, and this is the only light he is allowed to have on. It is his nighttime light. If you do not want him to sleep with the door open, tell him that is a rule and he must sleep with the door closed. If you do not mind, then allow him to have it open. It may help him to go to sleep when there is not a barrier between him and you (if he is scared at night). It may take a while, and many times of him trying different ways to get his way with you, but you must be firm. You dont want him to learn that by whining he can walk all over you!

As for the snack at the movies, I think it is fine, as long as it is not popcorn. Remind him of why he is not getting popcorn, in case he forgot. But you definitely need to start setting bedtime boundaries. Check out this website: www.parentcenter.com. It has good advice for parents and what their kids throw at them!

Answer 5

My daughter isn't quite as old as your child is (she's 2 1/2) but she has the mentallity of about a 3 1/2-4 year old. Giving in to your child's whining may fix the problem for now, but it will leave you with bigger problems in the future. If you give in now ('just this once to a snack') then your child will think to themselves, 'Hey, if I just whine enough, mom will give in'. You have to be the stronger person. If you tell your child that if you hear him whine after it's past bedtime, he doesn't get popcorn just stick with your rule. No popcorn should mean no snack at all. If he still throws a fit, just ignore him. I find that if I ignore my daughter when she is throwing a fit, she stops the fit within a minute or less of starting it, knowing that mom is not going to give in. Just stay strong and stick to your guns!

Answer 6

You are not a bad parent. For a four year old to suddenly begin to avoid going to bed, has there been any changes to his regular routine, such as a new baby or having visitors in your home or have you moved? Perhaps he has recently began Kindy or changed daytime routine?
Perhaps there are a new night sounds he has discovered?
I suggest if there have been no changes you may like to set your own bed time routine, or follow the one below or vary it to suit yiour own circumstances:
10 minutes before bedtime, tell him in 10 minutes, you are going to bed. Show him the clock that when the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 7 it will be time for bed, you have a set routine of toileting, cleaning teeth, pop into pyjamas etc, sip water to drink (so he is not thirsty). If he is insecure with a closed door, leave it ajar slightly and have a dimmer light so he is not in complete darkness. Read him a story as part of your routine, and perhaps have a relaxing CD playing softly for him to drift off to sleep with. Make bed time a pleasant quietening experience. Children generally respond to a massage too.
I suggest that bribing is not a good idea, he needs to follow your instructions with postive words. Verbal praise or a star chart is sufficiant. It is unwise to set expectations of treats or gifts for appropriate behaviour. Perhaps at the end of a week when he has gone to bed without a fuss the star chart will be so visable and for this he may enjoy choosing a new bed time story book or something appropriate, like a visit to a park or something.
Always follow through with what you say, don't be manipulated by a four year old, or he will continue to do so for the rest of his life. 15 year old tantruming to get tjeir own way is not cute! A good rule of thumb is "never start something you have no intention of continuing"

Answer 7

I don't think ur a bad mom, my kids ( all 3) did the same things, and still do..lol I also try to use bribery when the situation calls for it. I would say still give him the popcorn and let him have fun, he is only a kid, right! All kids no matter what age they are , are going to try to stay up a bit later, its just normal. But if you are closing the door and turning the lights out, you might also be making him scared, in which the child will whine more, and more often and louder. With my kids i give them each a nite-lite and tell them if they can't go to bed then they must clean up their rooms in the morning before they can go outside and play. Since they love it outside, and hate cleaning, i have found the perfect way to have them like the idea of a nite lite for security, and the perfect way to get them to clean up their toys when they insist on "stalling to stay up" !!!! Give it try i hope it works as good for you as it has for me. But do try to not put your kid in total darkness, this could lead to bad nite mares, and stalling the bed time even worse....they in turn can become scared of their room and will not want to go in there when it gets darker outside!!!! good luck!

Answer 8

I think there's a little too much disconnect here for this to work well at his age, too much time passing between the behavior and the reward/punishment. Try getting one of those inexpensive machines that projects "stars" on the ceiling. This is his reward for going to bed quietly. Whine, and the reward goes away for that night.

Go ahead and give him the popcorn. If you don't mention anything about the bedtime episode, he probably won't connect the two. And next time think harder about your threats and promises -- will carrying them out be more like punishment for YOU or for him?

And BTW, it's perfectly natural for many people to need to pee a little bit after going to bed. As the body gets all comfortable and relaxed, it signals the brain with that feeling of "urinary urgency", even if they went right before going to bed. Just resign yourself to the idea that he's going to want to get up at least that one time. At least he's not wetting the bed.

Answer 9

A) Not giving him popcorn is not a logical consequence for whining at bedtime. In the future, it would probably be better to pick something that is more related to the misbehavior, for example since he wasted your time in the evening, he could wait an extra ten minutes for his breakfast in the morning.

B) When you set a consequence, you should stick to it. If you give in (and giving another snack is giving in), you are teaching him that whining really is the way to get what he wants. You'll both be happier in the long run if he learns to get what he wants in constructive ways and to live with the fact that he can't always get what he wants.

Answer 10

I think you might be giving in a little bit, but it's hard to say. Does he usually get popcorn AND another snack at the theater? If so, I don't think it's giving in. If the snack will replace the popcorn, it is giving in.

You could say, "I told you last night that if you whined, you couldn't have popcorn. You whined, so no popcorn." If he is good in the movie theater maybe you could get him a little treat for the ride home.

Answer 11

Lemme give you a tip on whining...being a mother of a 4 and 1 year old...when kids whine...do one of two things...either DO NOT respond to them...and when they follow you around, get down to their level, speak to them normally and say "Until you learn to speak to me in a normal voice and ask me what you want, I will not respond to you" and then walk away. OR...whine back to them...EVERYTIME they do it...when they realize they can't understand you and they will see how annoying it is...trust me..they stop. As for giving in...if you told him he cannot have popcorn at the movies because he whined...don't give him ANYTHING...and when he fusses about it, calmly explain why he lost his privelege.
As for the room...some kids are scared. Mine went through it...I bought a night light and gave her a water bottle and told her that if she was scared of the dark, just point the magic potion at whatever was scaring her and it would all go away. She would be the superhero. It worked, and I have been able to get her to sleep with the door closed all her life. And the next morning, you praise them...tell them Good Job for being a big boy/big girl for sleeping all by themselves in the room with the door closed. After a few nights of doing that...they will get used to it!