What are some funny riddles and jokes?

Answer 1

New Rules In Hell


A man dies and goes to Hell, where he is greeted by the Devil.

The man looks around and sees no fire or people being tortured, nothing uncomfortable, and asks, "where is all the horrible things that Hell has to offer me? I might as well get started now".

The Devil says, " Things have changed down here".

He asks the man, "Do you like to drink alcohol?"

"Oh, Yes!" replied the man, with a big smile.

"Well you are in luck", Says the Devil, "because on Mondays there is drinking all day, anything that you want"

"Wow, that's sounds great", the man says.

"How about sex? Do you like sex?" the Devil asks.

The man replys, "Love sex, just never could get enough".

The Devil replys, "Well we will take care of that little problem, we have sex all day on Tuesday".

The smile continues to grow wider on the mans face.

He is then asked if he had any homosexual tendancies.

"Absolutely not!", he says emphatically, "I can't stand queers!"

The Devil smiles at him and says, "You are really going to hate Wednesdays then."

Answer 2

A PUSH

This guys in bed with his wife when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. He thinks about getting the door for a moment and rolls back over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this guy is standing outside.

"Hey," says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"

"No, go to hell! It's half past three. I was in bed sound asleep," says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, you are such a ****!! Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to go to hell? You should be ashamed!!"

So after that tongue-lashing, he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey fella, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please, man."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The guy replies, "I'm over here on the swings!"
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THE WIDOW

Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine. She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.

"Is there anything he needs?" the distraught woman asked, between tears.

The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, "He says he'd love a package of cigarettes."

"I'll send a carton immediately." the woman said joyfully. "But did he say where I should send them?"

"No," replied the Seer somberly. "But he didn't ask for matches."
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WEDDING VOWS

During the weeks before Amy's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.

"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"

Answer 3

about Chuck!!!! jokes about Chuck will kill you...unless he will!! ;>


Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Answer 4

One day, two idiots went out hunting. Along the way they noticed
tracks on the ground. The first guy says, "These are deer
tracks" the second guy replies,"No they are moose tracks." The
two men argued back and forth, until the train hit them.

Answer 5

there are 3 people that eat lunch together everyday and their moms make their lunches, but the moms always make them peanut butter and jelly. so 1 guy says "if my mom make me oeanut butter and jelly one more time, i will jump off abuilding and kill myself" and the other 2 men agree. so the next day they all had peanut butter and jelly, so they all killed themselves. at the funeral, 2 of the moms say "oh, only if i knew he didnt like peanut butter and jelly" and the third guy's mom says "dont look at me, he made his own lunch!"

Answer 6

Joke: why did i not go to class yesterday

A: because I was hung over from last night.
true story

Answer 7

what goes click, click,click, is that it? click, click is that it?

blind man workign on a rubiks cube.


this interview with stevie wonder was never published,

INTERVIEWER: so, how's it like being blind?

STEVIE: well, it could have been worse....i could have been black..


these group of AMERICANS was in a alley... a IRAQI walks down there and the AMERICANS cornered him...

IRAQI: what do you guys want?

AMERICANS: well, heres what we will do.... we will give you a dice, if you roll a 1,2,3,4,5 we will kick the crap out of you..

IRAQI: what happens if i roll a 6?

AMERICANS: you roll again ....

Answer 8

A guy goes to the doctor. He says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this" and wiggles his arm.
The doctor says "Son't do that". Metaphor for life I think.