How bad did I screw up? (Women's opinions needed)?

Question

A friend that I have spoken with and have completely opened up to over the past 3 years has recently been having relationship woes, we'll call them. We had shared feelings for each other a few months back, but I think the whole thing was to help boost her self-esteem :/ Anyway, recently, I only hear from her when she's ready to vent about how her current man is being an *** or doesn't appreciate her or doesn't want to commit. Well, I've done my friendly duty up until a couple days ago when I kinda got upset and told her that the reason that I did was out of jealousy. I've always wanted to go out with her or w/e, and was never given a chance or was given excuses. Meanwhile, the guy who is causing her so much grief, she hangs on to like he's the best thing since sliced bread :/ I told her all of this and as terrible as she's been feeling about breaking up with him, I'm sure this made it worse. What can I do to make it up to her? (I'm sure it'll be worse when she reads this) :(

Thanks for all of the answers so far. It'll be tough to pick the best. To defend her, she's been there for me too when I've had issues, so it hasn't been a complete 1-sided friendship. And yes, I've always been honest with her and everyone. Lying is one of my biggest pet peeves. Plus she could tell I was upset about things, so she kind of drew it out of me. I told her, after all of that, that I'd still always be around for her, because she's been a great friend.

Answer 1

I actually don't think you screwed up. Lost your cool a bit, perhaps, but as long as you weren't harsh to her, it sounds to me like you were being honest. If you two are good friends, this should be manageable.

I've watched my brother be a girl's friend the way you have described and (if she reads this, I'm sorry, but I'm being honest), she sounds like what I call a "foul weather friend." These are friends who are only interested in being around you when they need you. I would be shocked if she didn't have some INKLING that you were interested in her. If she knew and continued to vent to you about relationship trouble, I don't think she's very sensitive.

The only thing you can and should do to "make it up to her" is to continue to be honest while being supportive. Don't force the issue; I think that she'll talk to you about it soon enough.

Answer 2

i heard this bloke the other day saying that women date men like an employer hires staff.
they never go with the perfect person that fits the job description perfectly, rather they always go for the slightly less qualified drunken version.
being the (male) best friend to any girl is the worst position u can be in, if u want more from her. She wont ever see u as more than the "best mate" she would more than likely tell u more than she tells any bf, and she will have more fun and be more relaxed with u than she will be with any other bf, but thats because she never see's u as a potential partner.
if u dont like the fact that she see's u in this way only, then u need to decide wether u can still be friends with someone that u have such deep feelings for.
dont bother trying to make it up to her, she'll understand u like a mate and get over it and be back whinging to u about another romantic crisis she's having as soon as it arises.

Answer 3

This is a difficult question to answer without knowing the person. You're playing a dangerous game though...I mean...women who stay in bad relationships really can't see the forest for the trees no matter how many times you tell them that the guy will probably never change. Your situation can go one of many ways...she could get really upset with you and take the whole "how dare you talk bad about my man to me" path....or... she could just decide not to talk to you about him anymore...and there's always the path that seems awesome...she could leave him to be with you....but then you're dealing with a woman who needs an excuse to leave a bad relationship....That's a woman who has very little backbone to begin with.

Just keep on being her friend. If something is meant to happen...it will.

Answer 4

I'm in a similar situation, except that I turn to my guy friend whenever I need to vent. I'm guessing you're not the first person who's told her that her man isn't "the best thing since sliced bread" and you won't be the last either. She can't just needs to realize that there are other people out there who won't cause her so much grief. I think you helped her out. If she can't see that, she is in more trouble than you think.

Answer 5

I'm not sure you did anything terribly wrong - it sounds like she is only keeping you around as sort-of a fall-back, and her coming to you with her problems was a way to keep you close. Like if you thought there were issues with her relationship, that she was unhappy, you would think that it had a chance of ending soon... preventing you, really, from pursuing your own relationships. It sounds like, with the whole 'shared feelings' thing, you're not ready to just be friends, and maybe 'to make it up to her,' or for her to make it up to you, you might just want to give each other space for awhile, as hard as it is...

Answer 6

I don't think she's really a great friend at all. She only comes to you for advice, and that's not what friends are for. It seems like you're putting in alot of effort and I dont' think you need to continue with this friendship. You didn't screw up at all, she is with another man and you're wanting her, but she doen'st want you, how did you screw up in that? It's not your fault at all, it's mostly hers because she cannot see what's good in you and hangs around a guy who doens't want to commit to her. She will most likely come to you as a rebound since you said you two had a thing a while ago but she only did it for self-esteem so I dont' think you need to be around her much longer. You're just wasting time.

Answer 7

Well if you consider yourself as a "friend" then i really think you should be there for her. i think both of you need to put aside your feelings for each other and just focus on making her feel better and advise her to get out of the relationship if she is not happy. do what makes her happy. and then after her problem is solved and if shes not with the same guy anymore, then you could talk about whatevers going on between you two. but really if you guys are good friends dont let this destroy what you have. just be good to her and help her through it, seems like shes having a rough time.

Answer 8

If she's still with this guy after 3 years of needing to vent to you then what you did makes no difference at all. It's not any messier now then it's been for the past 3 years. I think you did what you did on purpose, but was it wrong? Not really.

Answer 9

On a 1-10 level of your screwing up I would say 2. All you did was tell her the truth. And it's not like you could have stayed friends for any longer without exploding and letting it all out abruptly. You did sort of pick a bad time to tell her. And no offense to her but it's her problem, you didn't do anything bad.

Answer 10

The best thing is to let things cool off for a few days and let her graps what you have given her. Once she has called you then things might be a bit easier to explain to her. Never whole back feelings for someone you whole dear to you because tomorrow is not promised and you never know what could happen to her and then you never told her your true feelings. At least at this point she knows your heart and she can decided what to do with it.

Answer 11

♥ You probably shouldnt have said all of that quite yet since she is going through a hard break up, but honestly dont feel bad about saying it. I mean anyone in your situation would have felt the same way you do. Just talk to her about it and tell her that your sorry you sprung it on her when shes so upset, but that thats how you feel about it! Good Luck :D ♥