Any good jokes?

Question

I need a good laugh

Answer 1

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 2

Kindergarten Class

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

When called upon the first student says " The sky is definitely blue".

The teacher said " Well that isn't entirely correct because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says "Grass is definitely green".

The teacher again replies, " If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct".

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?".

The teacher replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion".

The student replies, "Then I definitely s_h_i_t my pants"

Answer 3

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

Answer 4

Little Johnny came home from school one day confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy am I more Jewish or more Black?"

"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, " Daddy, am I more Jewish or more Black?"

"What kind of question is that?" Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Black?" asks dad.

"Well, it's like this dad ... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the freaking thing." 

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

Answer 5

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha