I have a girl who's first boyfriend was abusive and controlling. So by no stretch of the mind shes pretty cynical towards relationships and "doesn't like" dating (she does she's just still bitter). Now I know my days with being with her are numbered and Im gonna prolly have to move on or something but what could I do to help her get over this aside from just giving her time? Im sure "giving her time" will just turn into finding someone else. What can I do?
2006-07-11 12:11:59 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Im stuck between leaving her alone/giving her time and actually doing something (I don't know what though...)
2006-07-11 12:13:30 · update #1
Reassure her that not all guys are the same. If you are going to leave her no matter what, then do it soon. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
2006-07-11 12:14:11 · answer #1 · answered by m_thurson 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, how long ago was this abusive relationship? that's probably the main question. If it was recent, then obviously it's going to take some time for her to heal. But don't think of it as, a "rebound" or whatever...you may end up truly liking her. So you may not move on and find someone else.
But don't push/stress her into doing anything...just be a good guy. If she doesn't want to kiss you at the end of the night, don't worry, is she doesn't want to have sex, don't worry. Just do one thing at a time, one day a time...
I mean, how would you act/feel if you were in her shoes and you met someone new? How would you want that person to treat/not treat you?
2006-07-11 12:21:43 · answer #2 · answered by ~Fabulous~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You really are at a crossroads in this relationship. You are contemplating whether to quit while you're ahead, or to dedicate some time and energy into helping her learn to trust you. I suggest that you take a step back and contemplate WHY you want her to trust you-- is it a bit of an ego thing, where you have always been loyal and trustworthy and can't believe that she doesn't see it? _OR_ do you really have feelings for her and see beneath her insecurities that she is someone you want in your life for a long-term relationship?
If you choose to forge ahead, you could start by expressing to her that you feel that her insecurities (although understandable) are coming between the two of you. You don't say how long you've known her or been "dating" her, but it really does take time and consistent integrity on your part. Being attentive is always helpful, but don't smother her.
When you two disagree stay as calm as you can, but DO express your emotions with words: frustrated, annoyed, confused, hurt, and even angry. By showing her that you have these feelings and can express them without aggression or violence, you will go further in earning her trust.
I hope this helps, and good luck to you both!
2006-07-11 12:30:25 · answer #3 · answered by HearKat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You two might have hooked up while she was on the rebound, so to speak, and she never had time to deal with the relationship she had just gotten out of.
Ask her point blank if she wants to tone it down to just friends, and then regroup your thoughts according to her answer.
If she needs time alone, there should be nothing wrong with both of you going separate ways for a while, if the pull to be together is strong, neither of you will go very far from the relationship even while you are apart. If you werent meant to be together, you will both find others who might be more compatable to your maturity levels as far as relationships go.
Good luck, but please talk to her before you decide anything.
2006-07-11 12:18:00 · answer #4 · answered by cindy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you can Try to do is have her talk about it with you since she is clearly very hurt and maybe that will help some. I also think that if you continue to give her support and keep reassuring her that you wont hurt her physically as her x did. I do think you should not push her into a relationship but also watch that she doesn't slip through your fingers as you said while giving her time. If you continue to be nice to her and sweet if it is meant to be then eventually she will learn to trust you. As you see....she has no trust for you because who is to say that you wont hurt her the same way in her mind!. Ihope this helped. Good Luck
2006-07-11 12:17:21 · answer #5 · answered by krYpToNitEsMoM 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be there for her, try to be understanding of what she went through and why she feels the way she does about relationships. Also, do your best to show her that not all men are like her first boyfriend. There are nice guys out there, she just has to make an effort to give them ( you ) a chance. If not, she could be missing out on something incredible...try to explain that to her the best you can. Good Luck!!
2006-07-11 12:15:48 · answer #6 · answered by LovableLibra84 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you don't have the patience to work through all her issues, which it doesn't sound like you do, I would pack my stuff and leave, the sooner the better because if you stay she will start to trust you then you will leave and the whole cycle will be reinforced again and she will be worse off.
You need to sit her down and tell her that you are unable to deal with the issues she has regarding trust and that she needs to get some professional help regarding all that. That if it wasn't for her attitude things wold be good. Then leave.
2006-07-11 12:20:59 · answer #7 · answered by Pete 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best thing to do in any situation with a woman is to just listen to her. Don't give her any advice, Don't try to persuade her in any way, make an occasional feedback so that she knows you're listening(don't give your opinion). She may even leave you one day, but they all do eventually one day anyways, even when they weren't in an abusive relationship. Don't worry about losing her or what she is going to do, is what I'm saying. Just listen and enjoy the time you do have.
2006-07-11 12:20:19 · answer #8 · answered by Nep 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ya giving her time to figure it out herself will just make it to where she leaves you and does the same thing with someone else, she needs to fix it so that she can start to know what it is like to be with someone who cares for you and does not hurt you. she is so scared, she wants to trust you and knows she has no reason not to trust you but cant help what she feels. so you need to tell her, that you are willing to help her get better even if that means going to see a counselor with her or just whatever support she feels she needs as long as she is trying to get better. cause see if she doesnt want to even try then nothing is ever going to change for you two. so see how this works, if she knows that you realy care for her and you are willing to be there for her and support her threw difficult times if she is trying to get better then she wont feel so alone and it might be just what she needs. good luck.
2006-07-11 12:25:19 · answer #9 · answered by Blonds Rock 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Funny coincidence. I just got this book out of the library today. Controlling People - How To Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans. Have her read it or do it yourself. I haven't started it yet. There are tons of books on abusive people also.
2006-07-11 12:19:17 · answer #10 · answered by matchcom 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have had friends in this situation. if they cannot get over it by themselves recommend they go to counseling. sadly, what she is going to have to realize is if she doesn't face her problems she wont be able to move on. what she needs to do and the counselor will help with is having her love herself. she has to realize that she is strong enough and learn the warning signs of a potential abusive relationship so she wont fall victim a second time.
as for you, maybe a relationship isn't the best thing, but a friendship can really help her.
2006-07-11 12:16:29 · answer #11 · answered by danielle s 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋