Tell me something funny!?

Question

It can be anything. A joke, a riddle, a long story that your grandma told you about a thousand times but you still listen because you feel bad for her because she dosen't remember that she told nine hundread, ninty nine times before. ANYTHING!

Funniest person gets 100000000000000000000000000000 points!

Just kidding. You only get 10!

And say if it is true or not.

Answer 1

I was at home in my room on my bed looking at the stars. then i thought to myself--WHERE THE HECK IS MY ROOF?!?!

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If the psychic hotline really was... wouldn't they call you?

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

I can't give you a brain, but I can give you a diploma!

It's OK to be social, just don't tell anyone about it.

If it ain't broke, you need more software.

"Everything has a purpose" he said for no reason at all.

I'm not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am...

A mighty oak is the result of a nut that held its ground.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

No. Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.

Things are only impossible until they are not.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

What's another word for synonym?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

War determines not who is right, but who is left.

Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Despite the rising cost of living, it remains a popular activity.

Trying is the first step to failing.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Quantum mechanics: the dreams that stuff is made of.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Start planning today, to be spontaneous tomorrow.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Why is a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere...

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be ecstatic.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Love your enemies, it gets them really confused.

Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change.

Minds are like parachutes...They only function when open.

My mind wandered..and never came back.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Next mood swing... 6 minutes.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

Saw it...Wanted it...Had a fit... GOT IT!

SMILE...If you're not wearing underwear.

They are not hot flashes...They are power surges.

HI. I don't remember your name either.

I live in another dimension, but have a summer home in reality.

It's been lovely but I have to scream now.

"The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first."

BLAH

fattertatter-pitterpatter-booblieooblie

Answer 2

When my son was about five,he got pneumonia and had to be hospitalized. When he got home,I wouldn't let him have a bath in the tub at first. I would let him do a quick bath at the sink. I would always tell him to go up and get ready for bed and put on new undies and pajamas and I would be up to say prayers with him.After a few days he was doing so well,I decided to let him have a bath in the tub. I went up and started drawing the water. When I turned around,my son was pealing off undies right and left. I said"Honey....why do you have on so much underwear?" Well mom" he said" you didn't tell me to take any off!"

Answer 3

a kindergarten teacher wants to teach the meaning of the word definitely and asks the class to give examples. Sally raises her hand and says "Grass is definitely green." The teacher says No sometimes in dry weather it looks kind of brown. Tim says "The sky is definitely blue" The teacher says No Sometimes its kind of grey. Jonny asks "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher puzzled replies "No!" So Jonny replies "Then I definitely just **** my pants."

Answer 4

Some people are just like Slinky...Not good for anything but you cant help but smile when u see one roll down the stairs.

Answer 5

okay........there were these 3 blondes who walked into a resturant cheering "28days...28 days" everyone was like why the hell are they cheering 28 days....the waitress was curious so she asked them why are you 3 women cheering "28 days for " wats dat mean...they answered because it took 28 days to finish our puzzle and on the box it said 3 to 5 years on it ...............

Answer 6

MY grandmother's pet saying was you don't have the sense god gave a piss-ant.
and another one she used was sh*t in one and want in the other and see which gets full first

Answer 7

ANGER MANAGEMENT 101

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a_s_s_hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a_s_s_hole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a_s_s_hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a_s_s_hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a_s_s_hole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a_s_s_hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?", I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a_s_s_hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a_s_s_holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a_s_s_hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen..."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a_s_s_hole."

Then I called A_s_s_hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a_s_s_hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a_s_s," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a_s_s_hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two a_s_s_holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better -

This is "Anger Management" at its very best.

Answer 8

.. heres one it kind nasty but here it goes:::::::::

a man was takin a shower and his daughter walks in and looks at his..."tool" and says daddy..... when and will i get one of those?

and he says... yes,when mom leaves.

Answer 9

why do white people go to black peoples yard sales?


to get their stuff back.

Answer 10

i like to masterbate with johnson oil.