Good Jokes Please?

Question

im going to do standup comedy for a talent show in school this year can u tell me some good jokes that are approate for school?

10 Points for the best joke

Answer 1

A blind man in a store
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around." LOL :-o)

Answer 2

Cool New Definitions For Old Words
1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sitto decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

Answer 3

Take your pick.


14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out


14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she
learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.

6) You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3) She's suddenly changed her address to [e-mail]

2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious [e-mail]

1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

Answer 4

a man was lying in bed when he heard a knock on the door , so he went to answer it when he opened the door a man was standing at the door and the first man said how can i help you and the other man replied can i get a push the first man said it is 1 in the morning sorry no can do , then he went back upstairs on arrival he explained to his wife who was at the door and what they needed and the wife said remember the other day when our car broke down and we got a push from a kind gentleman why dont you go do the same and so the husband went downstairs and called for the other man when he said mister do you still need a push are you there the man replied yah so the husband said ok where are you and the man answered over here on the swing

Answer 5

Talk about how strict your Teachers, Dean, or Principle.(mimic their actions) Give some example that actually happened to you or some other students. All the students should get some laugh. Say I dont understand how can they be so strict. Before you tell the jokes about them, make sure you let them know. Or else ya gonna get suspended....

Answer 6

Question:what did Jill do when Jack said it was gonna be chilli outside???
Answer:she got a bowl and spoon,ran outside and said ooh chilli where...where!lol
Question:what kind of under ware does king tut wear???
Answer:fruit of the tomb!lol
this is just a funny story i think.....
once there was 2 white men a black man a chineese man but they all fell out of a widow when the white man fell out he said i think i broke my arm when the other white man fell out he said i think i broke my leg the black man fell out and said i think i broke my leg and my arm and when the chineese man fell out he said ...ching chong wing wong i think i broke my ding dong!!!lol i think that is soooo funny ... well thats my opinion!

Answer 7

it's a little johnny joke that's clean

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have such little hair on his head?" "He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a good answer to her husband's baldness. "Then, why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.
"Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother...

Answer 8

well, this isnt appropriate, but here it is just for fun: Man: Help doctor! I got a sunburn on my penis! What should I do?

Doc: Go home and soak it in cider (inside her)

HAHAHAHA! that was fun.

Answer 9

once a boy wanted to take a shower with his dad. so he asked. dad can i take a shower with you?he said OK, but don't look at my limousine(private spot).the next day he wanted to take a bath with mom. so he asked. mom, can i take a shower with u?she said yes, but dont look at my garage(private spot).
later on the boy said 'mom open the garage so dad could put his limousine in'

Answer 10

momma, papa and baby tomato are walking down the street.
baby tomato starts falling behind and papa tomato says "ketchup"