Do I have a reason to get mad about this, or am I selfish?

Question

I need an honest opinion. Since my first son was born 5 years ago my mother refused to take care of him since I could not afford to pay her enough. She does not work but makes extra money sometimes from home sewing. Even when my son was born I paid her to come and help me for the first two weeks after I got out of the hospital. I was finally able to convince her to take care of both of my kids since I finally can afford to pay her enough by working 12 hour shifts daily. The amount paid is a very good amount. My brother has two kids of his own, and he has had the same problem. My mom has refused to take care of his kids since he cannot afford to pay her enough. All of the sudden, I went to my mom's house yesterday and saw my brother’s daughter there. It appears my mother is now taking care of her daughter for free since either way she is getting paid to take care of mine. I was really upset since I just did not think it was fair that I have to pay for my kids, and my brother g

I was really upset since I just did not think it was fair that I have to pay for my kids, and my brother gets to leave her daughter for free. My brother’s family and mine make about the same income. The only reason why we may make more is I am working 12 hours to be able to pay her while they work 8. When my mom saw my reaction she started crying and told me that she could just not say no to any of her grandkids. However, that is not true since has always refused to take care of them for free. Bottom line is that she made me feel like if I was a terrible monster, and I just don’t know if I am being too selfish. What would you do in my situation. Thanks so much for any comments.

If it helps, my mother is 56, my brother is older than me, and what I pay her is the same amount I would have to pay at any decent daycare. But I decided to go with her since I felt my kids would get more attention with her, and she would definitely benefit from the weekly income since she would not have to be looking for extra money.

One more thing, she babysits them 8 hours, not 12, since my husband picks them up when he gets back from work. He also works long hours. And although I asked my mom if she would do it, she accepted it as a job, she could have easily said no since she has done that for the past 5 years. I am in no way forcing my children on her nor expect her to raise my children for me. I only expect the same thing that I would expect from any one else who would be paid to do the job.

Answer 1

She is not being fair. If she is going to charge you she needs to charge your brother too. If she doesn't charge your brother see if you can find someone else to watch your child in your home for less money.

Answer 2

First principle - your mother owes nobody anything, you don't owe her anything. She raised you, that's all she HAD to do. Anything more she does is a favor.

However, you would think a grandmother would want to help.

Maybe she's scared that as soon as she commits, she'll be taken for granted - both of you will leave your kids there every chance you get, so she'll do all the work (for free) while you two make money, go shopping, have dinner with friends. Or, maybe she's a selfish b***h.

Since I have no kids, I suppose I'm perfectly qualified to tell others what to do.

I would suggest:the logic should go like this:
-She's set her price for the care of 3 kids - right now you're paying it all.
-There's 3 kids. Split the cost 3 ways. When your oldest goes to school, split by the child-hour.
(I.e. Let's say all 3 children for 3 hours and only 2 youngest children for 6 hours school is in session - is 3x3=9, 2x6=12, 9+12 is 21. Your kids use 3+9, his uses 9... split costs then 12:9 or 4:3)

- So, until school is an issue, you pay 2/3, bro pays 1/3. If he really makes about the same - you said he can't pay the same amount, but I'm sure he can pay 1/3. Otherwise, he's living pretty high off the hog, if his family gets to spend whatever and you have to give it all to mama.

Maybe you could pay your brother's wife instead, if they need the money and you can afford it. That'll teach your mother.
-if the sister-in-law and bro are BOTH working, then they ought to be able to afford 1/3 of costs, or else you got one heckuva good job compared to the two of them.

Answer 3

If your mom takes in sewing to make extra she may need the money she makes from you to help her, but at the same time if you did not pay her she would not have that extra money. In my opinion grandma's should want to spend time with the grand kids and help out their children so they can have a better live so they can give the grand kids the things they need. I could not ever charge for taking care of my grand kids no matter how poor I was. I would ask my child to provide the snacks and lunch if I could not afford to do so myself. Some work places provide child care right at work and you get to see them on breaks and lunch. Maybe you could find a job like that or if you are married you and your husband could work different shifts so you would not need a babysitter at all or maybe you and your brother could watch each others children as she would probably charge him if yours were not there too. Look into your possibilities of another place to take them as your mom seems to me to be a little money hungry. I feel real bad for you and wish I could be of more help.

Answer 4

I am sorry but it is not your moms responsibility to take care of your kids.. That is all on you.. And if this bothers you so much maybe you need to find a day care to put your kids into. If you have to pay someone to take care of them and it bothers you so much that your mom is charging maybe you should go else where and get child care.... Plus if your mom is hard up on money why is it such a problem to give her some money to take care of your children. I say if they are being well taken care of by her what is the big deal. I think you are being very selfish your mother took care of you for many years and now your are crying about having to pay her to babysit your children... Maybe your brother and her have arrangements do you even know the whole story!!!!!

Answer 5

Whoa, whoa... slow down!!! WHAT!!!? Just because she is your mother does NOT make a her a babysitting service!!! Of course, on the other hand: what the h*ll is she thinking EVEN charging you guys (EVER) for having the privilege of spending all that time with her grandchildren!!!? 12 hours is TOO much for her to watch anyone's children, remember, she raised you two and now it's y'all's turn to do the same for your own kids. It's not her responsibility to do so. Is the children's father in the picture? Where is he? Does he have family that would want to watch the kids? Do you have younger cousins or family members that want to earn an allowance? Maybe your mother feels that you guys are being selfish by pursuing careers all the while pawning your and your brother's kids on her... I don't know... I had to do the same when I was 14... I had to watch my 2 sisters, and 8 (sometimes) cousins at the same time while my Mom, Aunts and Uncles had to work 2-3 jobs to pay the bills... I felt cheated, even when they offered to pay me... I felt that if soemone was gonna have so many kids, that they would plan for this sort of thing... anyway, I was just a teenager, but in a way it's kind of true regardless of why someone would have to work so much. I don't want ot guilt you, but I think you should talk it over with your mother... and brother together to see if y'all can't come to some sort of agreement. Maybe instead of just paying her for her services, y'all can offer to pay some of her bills once in a while, like the money she has to spend on food or supplies to care for the children... take her out once in a while, sans kids, to show your appreciation. That's probably what your brother is doing, but he just hasn't let you in on it... Parents want their children to succeed, they want to spoil their grandkids, rotten... but they still want to feel that they and their feelings matter... Show her how you fele about her sacrifices and she will most likely open up and be more willing to watch the kids without any or even less of a chrge. After all, maybe she had a silly little retirement plan or cozy hobby she dreamed for herself at this age, but now can't really dedicate the time she wanted... Don't feel guilty for working hard for your kids, but don't take advantage of those who help you... in the long run, I know y'all can work it out. Good Luck!!!

Answer 6

Honestly? I would find a new sitter. Why not work something out with her. You get a 2for1 deal; she watches both your kids and makes you pay for one and your brother should do the same. That sounds a lot more reasonable than making you pretty much pay for your kids as well as one of his children. I'm going back to work in 2 weeks, and I'll only be paying my mother in law $75 a week for watching both of my children. She and I agreed it was a decent amount of money.

I understand why you should pay something though. My mother in law is retired. She's only 43 but has been on disability for the past 10 years because of severe carpel tunnel and crones disease. I would feel guilty if I didn't pay something.

Answer 7

It sounds like your mother is being selfish. Yes, you should expect limits and boundaries on when she can watch your children, but asking you to pay her isn't the way to address it. Not only is she being selfish to ask for it but she's selfishly avoiding the more difficult right way to limit your use of her time (saying no and sticking to it).

I think you have a right to be angry about the situation, but not at your brother or his children. Though your brother wasn't as proactive as he should have been (offering to pay you half the cost since he was receiving half the benefit), ultimately the fault lies with your mother's unequitable treatment of you and your family.

Were I you, I would refuse to take part in the entire ridiculous setup any further. I would tell your mother that you no longer intend to pay her for watching your children as it is unreasonable, and that if she would watch them for free that you would appreciate it, but if she refuses then you understand that that is her right, and you will simply have to take your children to a child care service that can be counted on to treat you and your children in a fair and equitable manner to their other clients.

Answer 8

If you are paying her as much as you would pay a daycare, the choice is easy. It is better for the kids to be in a structured environment and learn how to be social with other children. If this is not the case, be happy you have the affordable day care and just suck it up.

Answer 9

I would separate family and business by putting my children in another day care. Whether in-home or a center, they will have more socialization with other children their ages and you won't have the problem of this stressful situation between you and your mom anymore. I would agree that it doesn't appear fair, especially if you have to work longer shifts just to afford to pay your own mother to care for her grandchildren. If you have to pay then it's easier to pay a "professional" to care for you children.

Answer 10

My mom sounds like yours. I often thought grandparents should not be paid for babysitter but In reality if it is going to be on a fixed regular basis, I feel like they should be paid as if they are a babsitter. If is an occasional day here and there, then it should be her honor to babysit your child. Why is one sibling different than the other? If one child doesn't pay her to babysit why should you? You may be better off hiring a regualr babysit if you can afford. dealing with family in an "emploer/employee" rol doesn't hardly ever work out without conflicts.

Answer 11

hey i don't think ur mom should have done to u or ur brother. she is in the wrong for charging her own children, i mean i would understand if it was a friends kids but she raised u two and she should be glad to take care of ur children at elast for a few hours while u work. u have every right to be upset about the fact that she took in ur brothers daughter but then again u shouldnt be because she is only a lil girl and has no choise in this. im srry this happened to u, and im only 15 so i dont rly know wut a parent can do in this predicament.