What is the funniest joke you have ever heard?

Question

Keep it clean and it's worth points!

Answer 1

Voters

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! . . . . . . . . . . . . . These people Vote !

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff". . . . . . . .She ALSO votes!

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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . .

He ALSO votes!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving" . . . . . . . . . She ALSO votes!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . . . . . My sister ALSO votes!

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . . . . . He ALSO votes!

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . . . . . My friend ALSO votes!

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet? ". . . . . . . . . . SHE ALSO votes!

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While working at a Pizza Parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He though about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 . . . . . . . . . Yep, he votes too.

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Now you know who elects the politicians!

Answer 2

not the funniest 'ever' yet i am going to inform you the most acceptable i have heard of modern-day - a guy walks right into a pub and sits down. The barman asks if he ought to like a drink, he thanks him and asks for a lager. They communicate, and comic tale and once the guy has finished his drink the barman requests his money. the guy, notwithstanding, refuses. He replies 'I got here into this bar, and also you presented me a drink Now, you pronounced not some thing about money. in case you've been to stroll right into a bar and get presented a drink, ought to you anticipate to ought to pay afterwards? look, i'm a criminal specialist. you could take this extra, yet i'll inform you this for loose - you do not have a leg to face on.' The barman, apoplectic, demands the guy go away and in no way come back. the guy does so. a week later, an same guy returns to the bar. The barman at present demands he go away once back, yelling the percentages at him and rambling about how he had conned him out of his money. notwithstanding, the guy seems baffled. 'i don't know what you're conversing about. I genuinely have in no way been the following earlier in my life.' in the starting up, the barman refuses to believe it, yet finally he does and seems a touch embarrassed. 'Oh. nicely then..i'm sorry. you should have a double.' 'thanks'. responded the guy, 'i am going to have a whisky'.

Answer 3

The funniest joke I've ever heard isn't clean, but this one comes in a close second:


Three applicants are being interviewed for a job with the CIA. They appear to be equally qualified for the position, so the interviewer decides to do one final test: a loyalty test.

The first applicant is led into the room. The interviewer hands him a gun and says, "This is a loyalty test. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to take this gun and go in there and kill your wife."

The applicant is horrified. "I'm sorry," he says. "We've been married for twenty-five years. I just ... I don't think I could bring myself to do it."

"Very well," says the interviewer. "You don't get the job. Send in the next applicant on your way out."

The next applicant comes in, and the interviewer gives him the same instructions. Again, the applicant hesitates. "I'm sorry," he says finally. "We've only been married for two years. We have so many good years left! I just ... I can't do it."

"Very well," says the interviewer. "Send in the next applicant on your way out."

The third applicant enters the room, and the interviewer repeats the instructions: your wife's in the next room, take this gun, go in and kill her. The applicant considers for a moment, then shrugs and says, "Okay."

The applicant disappears into the next room, and the interviewer puts his ear to the door to listen in. He hears six shots, then a lot of loud banging around. The noises worry him, and just as he's about to open the door, the applicant emerges.

"What happened? What happened?" demands the anxious interviewer.

To which the applicant casually replies: "Oh, some idiot filled the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with a chair!"

Answer 4

The Funniest joke I've ever heard? Halle Berry is hot

Still laughing at that.

Answer 5

John invited his mother over for dinner, during the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now....Love, Mom."

Answer 6

a man goes to his doctor for a physical, the doctor tells him that he has to lose 75 lbs, to ease his various ailments.
The man tries for a while, with little success, and then sees an ad on tv, "Guaranteed weight loss". He figures, that with a money back guarantee, he has nothing to lose but weight.
He calls and orders the 10lb weight loss system, just to try the program.
The next day, someone knocks on his door, he answers it to find a beautiful brunette wearing nothing but a sign and a pair of running shoes. The sign reads "catch me and you can have me!"
Without a word, she turns and takes off running. The man finally catches her huffing and puffing, but is too tired to have his way with her. This repeats for a week, and he finds he has lost the promised weight.
Happy, the man calls back to order the 20lb program.
The next day, it is a blonde with the same sign, a pair of running shoes, and even better shape than the brunette. again she takes off and the man catches her only to be too worn out for "his way".
A week later the same result, he lost the promised weight.
Ecstatic now at being close to his goal, the man calls and orders the 50lb program.

The next day, he answers the knock, only to find a huge, muscled very in shape man. He wears only a sign and pair of pink running shoes, however, the mans sign reads " If I catch you I can have you".

Answer 7

A frog went into a bank to get a loan. The representative's name was Patricia Wak. She asked for some identification and records, but the frog just said "Here, my name is Kermit Jagger. Give your manager this white porcelain elephant and tell him who it's from. My father's name is Mick. He'll know what to do. So she goes to the manager and says, " Um, there's a frog out here, says his name is Kermit Jagger and his father's name is Mick. He wants a loan. OH, and what is this?" She says, holding up the elephant. The manager's eyes open real wide and he yells, "It's a knick knack, Patti Wak, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!" Hope you enjoyed that one! Bye the way, I appreciate you asking for it to be clean. =)

Answer 8

Three pieces of string go into a bar, the first one asks the barman for a pint and the barman says are you a piece of string? yes he says, out says the barman we don't serve string in here, the second one tries his luck and he gets the same answer. The third one goes up to the bar and he is in a terrible state all ragged and hanging to pieces the barman asks the question are you a piece of string and he replies "no I'm afraid not" ( a frayed knot ) get it, Ha ha ha.

Answer 9

One morning a guy and his blonde wife are sitting at the table drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. The guy asks his wife if she heard about the Brazillian killed in the plane crash. She replied, "Yeah, what a tragedy. But exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Answer 10

*shrugs* One of the funniest skits I have seen was on the Chappell show. The black white supremacist... classic. I also like Bill Maur's stand up. Good funny stuff.