Here's a joke for you, send me one.?

Question

A Lesson in Church

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."

Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."

Answer 1

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

Answer 2

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer while pulling out a bottle and a paper bag from his coat pocket. The bartender thinks nothing of it and continues to work.
After about 2 hours the bartender finally gets curious and asks the patron what's up with the bottle and bag. Without a word he reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a foot tall man, who begins to pound out some R&B. The bartender is baffled and asks how he got it. The patron begins to tell the bartender that he was going thru the back alley and slipped on the bottle fell and hit his head. When he came to there was a genie waiting for him to make a wish.
The bartender was a little skeptic but had never seen a foot tall guy play a piano. So the bartender grab the bottle and rubbed it and released the genie before the patron could stop him. The genie pop out and asked him what his wish was, and the bartender immediatly spat out "I want 10 million bucks!". 'Poof' the genie was gone and all a sudden 10 million ducks pour into the bar.
Understandably the bartender got pissed and was about to punch the patron untill he said "Dude, do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch "pianist"?"

Answer 3

A priest sees little Johnny sitting on the front steps to the church, squishing ants one by one as they come by.
The priest asks "My child, why are you destroying GOD's creatures?"
"cause they are uselsss" answers Johnny.
"Not one of GOD's creations are useless, Name 3 things that GOD created that have no use" Asks the priest.

"Boobs on a Nun, a d*** on a priest, and these f***ing ants!"




A father is tired of his two son's excessive swearing.He decides the best way to put an end to it was with a firm hand. That night at dinner, the older son asks "Can you pass those f***ing potatoes". The father backhands the child right off his chair. He then turns to the other child and asks "Do you have anything you would like to say?"
The younger boy answers "I don't want none of those f***ing potatoes, that's for sure"


The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to
use the word beautiful in a sentence.
Little Sally - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman
in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, Little Frankie, your turn."
Little Frankie - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the
most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, Little Johnny, it's your turn."
Little Johnny walked to the front of the room, thought for a
moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my
dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just f*****g beautiful.'"


A man in the bar restroom can't help but notice that the guy at the next urinal has the largest penis he has ever seen. The guy notices the man looking and says "You can have a penis this big too". The man, a little embarrassed, asks how. "Well, I am a leprechaun".
Man:"So, what do I have to do, Wish for it?"
Leprachaun:"Yes, but there is one bad drawback"
Man:"What's that?"
Leprachaun:"Well, don't ask me why, cause It's been like this forever with us leprechauns, but the only way this wish works, is if I screw you in the a**"
Man:"Whoa, I'm not gay"
Laprachaun:"Neither am I"
The man thinks for a minute "OK"
So, they go into a stall, and proceed to have anal sex. While this is going on...
Leprachaun "So, what's your name?"
Man: "not wanting to talk, but trying to be polite "John"
Leprachaun "So, how old are you, John?"
John: "35"
Leprachaun: "Aren't you a little old to believe in leprachauns"

Answer 4

John is 22 years old, a virgin and jerk off 3 times a day.
One day, his friend Steve bring John into this motel room where inside he find himself a prostitute.
After about half an hour, John come out from the room happily.
"So..how was it?" ask Steve.
"She's hot man.. Thanks dude." said John.
"Well.. tell me then..."
"I was sitting on the chair, she was on the bed - stripping, dancing.. Then she asked me to touch her, and hell I did.. man I had so much excitement."
"So you finally did it.."
"Huh? Did what?"
"Sex man, what else.."
"No, no sex man."
"What? No sex?! You telling me that you were inside with a hot chick whose naked and dancing and asking you to touch her body and yet you don't have sex with her at all? What were you doing then?"
"I jerk off."


N this one was actually my owm answer for
"I know what the Italian said to Zidane! NO JOKE! Do you?"
by schizophreniccannibal

The Italian:
"Hey, if you headbutt me right now in the chest, a billion people will ask why you did it next week on yahoo answers."

Zidane:
"Really?"

The Italian:
"Yup.."

Zidane:
"Hmm... Headbutt only right? I mean... not a head job."

The Italian:
"Ooww man.. HEADBUTT! Not HEAD JOB!

Zidena:
"Okay."

The Italian:
"So...?!"

Zidane:
"So what?"

The Italian:
"So do it now will u? Before the referee blow the whistle."

Zidane:
"What? Do u want me to blow the referee also?

The Italian:
"No.. No.. No..! Look Zizou, just headbutt me right now."

Zidane:
"How bout the referee? Do I still hav 2 give him a blow?"

The Italian:
'Sigh' "Forget bout the referee...okay?!"

Zidane:
"Why? I dont think he mind if I do it..."

The Italian:
"JUST HEADBUTT ME NOW...OKAY!"

Zidane:
"Okay.. just calm down will u? U will get a heart attack if u get pissed off easily."

The Italian:
'Sigh'

Answer 5

enjoy...:)

This guy keeps falling asleep in church and his
wifes getting sick of it. She decides she'll
bring a pin to church with her and poke him when
he starts falling asleep. They're in church that
next sunday and he starts falling asleep right as
the preachers saying, "and the lord god created
the heavens and the earth." His wife pokes him
and he jumps up yelling "HALLELUIA!!" The
preacher, looking startled, says "very good, very
good." A little while later he starts falling
asleep again as the preachers saying, "and the
lord parted the red sea for moses". His wife
pokes him and he jumps up yelling, "PRAISE THE
LORD!!" The preacher exclaims, "very good, very
good!" A little while later he falls asleep again
just as the preacher says, "and what did eve say
to adam after they had their second child?" His
wife pokes him again and he jumps up yelling,
"STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN AND I'M GONNA BREAK
IT OFF!"

hgday

Answer 6

The Soldier And The Nun

A soldier emerged from a copse of trees and saw a nun walking along the road.
Breathless and flustered, he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun was very confused but took pity on him and agreed.

A moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "Yes, he went that way."

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I
don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Answer 7

HAHAHA good jokes! Kay... i have one! Three people are riding on a plane... the first one has an apple and takes a bite, but she thinks it is too sweet so she throws it out the window... the second person has an orange, he takes a bite, but thinks it's too sour so he throws it out the window... The last person has a gernade, she takes a bite and thinks it's too hard and throws it out the window. When the plane lands the three people go for a walk. The first person runs into a little boy who is balling his head off, so she asks "Little boy, little boy why are you crying?" he answers "An apple fell from the sky and killed my doggie." The second person runs into a little girl who is also balling her head off, he asks "Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" she answers, "An orange came down and killed my kitty." The last person came across another little girl, laughing her butt off, she asks the girl "Little girl, little girl, why are you laughing your butt off?" she calms down a bit and says " I farted and my house blew up!"

Answer 8

a bear walks into a bar:
bear:'I'll have a beer"
bartender:'WE don't serve bears beer here"
bear: "see that girl on the corner stool? if you don't give me a beer I'm going to eat her!"
bartender:" I don't care, I don't break the rules for anyone."
so the bear walks over to the girl and eats her. He's wiping the blood off his chin and picking his teeth with a rib bone and says" now bartender how 'bout that beer?"
bartender says"I told you I don't serve bears, and I certainly don't serve bears on drugs!"
the bear asks "drugs? what are you talking about drugs?"
"sure" the bartender says,"that was a barbituate!"

Answer 9

A man walks into his psychiatrist's offices wrapped in saran wrap and the doctor says, "I can clearly see your nuts".

Answer 10

So a dyslexic walks into a bra....