How do you get a 4 year old to stop throwing temper tantrums in public?

Question

I have a foster son who only when we go out throws temper tantrums to get his way. I dont give him wha he wants and it gets worse. I still dont give in even is he screems but it is imbarasing to have a 4 year old kicking and screeming in the store. Any suggestions on how to handle this I would appreciate it.

To make it clear I dont give in I do ignore him and things are not getting any better. He is a foster child so I did not start it by giving in he learned it from his bio parents.

Answer 1

Kids do that because they now parents would do anything so they won't be embarrassed in public . You have to tell her nothing she does in public will get her what ever she wants , and when she does that in public don't show her that you are so upset and that you want her to stop just set down and wait for her to finish .Believe me after three times of doing that she won't do it again

Answer 2

My pediatrician suggested something we call "trouble water" You take either a cup or a spray bottle of water, and when the child throws a fit, you throw the water on him, or you spray him in the face. Then you tell him this is unacceptable behavior, and give him some time alone in his room. You have to do this consistently every time he throws a fit. You always use the same cup or spray bottle, and then when you go in public, you carry it in your purse or diaper bag. When he winds up for a fit, you warn him that if he does it he will get trouble water. If he does throw the fit, then you take him immediately to the restroom and punish him with the water, all the other people will notice is that his face and hair are damp when he comes back! I asked the doc if she had a suggestion for tantrums besides spanking, and she said this is what she does for her own kids! Hope this helps, I've been there and know how you feel, although mine is a girl. By the way, she is six now, and we haven't had a fit in over 2 years, so just be patient and consistent, it will eventually help!

Answer 3

Graeme H has the right answer. The tantrums will go on because the child knows he will get what he wants eventually. You must not give in. It takes a long time for the penny to drop that he will never get what he wants. Trouble is, it is very hard to be patient when you are being publicly embarrassed. Keep your head down and don't make eye contact with tutting/vocal members of the public. Don't talk to, or touch, the child during the tantrum, just look bored. Don't engage in any argument/discussion.

Answer 4

You're right not to give in to him. Leave the store immediately, especially if there was something he wanted there. Do not show anger over this, just tell him, "Because this is not how we behave, we are leaving. This means that you will not get to pick out your treat (or whatever reinforcement you choose)." Even if he stops crying, you still need to leave. Make it clear that no tantrums will be tolerated.

When you are home and he is calm, ask him why he had the temper tantrum. Teach him to talk to you instead of screaming when he wants something. Treat him and his requests with respect, even if you are saying no.

Be consistent. It will take time (possibly a LOT of time). Tell him ahead of time what is expected of him and why it is expected, tell him the consequences of misbehaving, and stick to it. He will figure out that throwing a tantrum won't work, but it will take time, consistency, and an even temper on your part. To him, you getting angry is reinforcement to continue having the tantrums.

GOOD LUCK!!!! Tantrums are no fun.

Answer 5

It depends. First make sure you NEVER give in. If you do give in sometimes (or if others in his life give in under similar conditions), it actually worse than giving in every time. Intermittent reinforcement is incredibly strong, as seen in the strong pull of gambling. The fact that he tantrums to get his way and that the problem escalates when you say no indicates that, at least sometimes, and with someone, this behavior is "working" for him. You need to make sure it never works, no matter what the situation or whom he is with. Also make sure you are not reinforcing the tantrums with attention. Maybe the problem behavior isn't getting your son what he wants, but it is getting him something if it results in a lot of eye contact, talking, and other attention or any "alternative" reinforcer he might be redirected to. When he starts tantrumming to get something, say "no" and move on. No lengthy explanations (which may be seen by the child as "negotiations"), no hovering next to the item the child wants (move on...out of sight, out of mind), no hugs or kisses. Don't get angry or change your facial expression or tone of voice. Be "all business", but not mean.

Second, does he WANT to be in the store? If yes, when he tantrums, it's time to go home--immediately, and every time he does this. If he doesn't want to be there, make sure you don't leave before you had planned to do so because if his inappropriate behavior, as this could reinforce the tantrums.

Third, don't worry about what others think when your son acts this way. No parent is exempt from dealing with this at one time or another, and although the noise might grab others' attention, they will almost certainly understand and emphathize. And if they do get upset or angry, it's okay. You wouldn't be friends with someone who reacts to a child like that anyway, so why even give a second thought to what such persons think?

Schedule trips to public places for the purpose of practicing good behavior in public so that you aren't trying to get things you need while trying to deal with this problem. Take an extra set of hands with you if needed.

Best wishes!

Answer 6

I had the same problem with my kiddo whe she was 4-5. Talk to your foster son and let him know what the plan is. If he is 4 then have him serve 4 minute in time out...at home and when out and about. Don't talk to him and don't look at him and make it in a quite non fun place like a corner or the hall. You don't want him to having fun. If he leaves add a minute on and put him back. At home use a timer so he knows when this time is up. If we were in public I found a semi-private area and made my daughter serve her time. She screamed and yelled and others watched but they understood and it's better that beating your child. Be CONSISTANT...that's the key. You should only use time out for a few key issues until he learns to control himself. Then you can take on others issues. I work with people who are Mentally Retarded and with Mental Health issues. It works with everyone. Don't forget to reward with positive reinforcement. Tell him he's doing great when you catch him in a positive position. It will be hard at first but eventually it will work. Be strong. The time out will be good for the both of you. Gives you time to cool off. It will sometimes feel like you are punishing yourself too but again be consistant. GOOD LUCK. SOS for Parents is a great book that help me and reinforced what I already knew.

Answer 7

If you tolerate bad behavior, then you are condoning it. Both giving into it, and ignoring it, are both ways of tolerating it. Behaviors should have consequences: good behavior should be acknowledged, bad behavior punished. Punishment is usually determined hit or miss to see what works best. For instance, if little Timmy is acting up at the store, assure him that for every minute he does so will be one less (night of TV, dessert, toy, whatever AFFECTS him most) that he will get. Then time him. You MUST follow through, or it will mean nothing. Behavior modification takes TIME, EFFORT, and CONSISTENCY...or it does not work. Children NEED boundries, or they become inconsiderate uncaring adults. Also, look at what else you have in the shopping cart. Anything else in there he likes? If so, take it and put it back. DO NOT BARGAIN. Just put it back. That will be an IMMEDIATE price paid for bad behavior. The more he acts up, the more you do this. If he does not stop, then LEAVE the store. Yes, it ruins the shopping trip, but until you have your relationship under control, you will need to adjust your schedule accordingly. It will take time, but not as long as you think...IF you stay consistent.

Answer 8

I have a 4 year old boy that likes to do the same thing. Usually when he starts wherever I am I leave if I'm shopping I leave everything and take him home, if were at dinner i take him to the car, he usually gets spanked and we stay there till he calms down.The next time he wants to go, if possible he had to stay at home. It's been really hard, but his tantrums are no longer an issue. He learned the it wasn't acceptable and he wasn't going anywhere when he acted like that. Good luck and hang in there!!

Answer 9

Seriously, you need to make sure that there is not an underlying behavioral or developmental issue. You need to discuss this with the child's doctor. The child may need to be evaluated for ADHD, OCD, or even "high functioning" Autism.
Also, was the child removed from an abusive situation?
You could be the best parent in the world, but if the child has a condition that is not addressed your efforts can seem fruitless.
Try: www.ADHDSupportCompany.com
P.S. I feel your Pain!!!!!
~Good Luck & Take Care~

Answer 10

My 2 year old started this a while back. I started off by just immediatly leaning the store and he got nothing. But....as you can imagine, I didn't get a lot of shopping done. So, I figured out that he LOVES to ride the little superman ride outside of Wal Mart. So, I started doing most of my shopping there and if he was good in the store I would let him ride it on our way out. If he wasn't, I didn't let him ride, even if he was kicking and screaming. I stuck to my guns! So, now, we have pretty peaceful outings. If we are going somewhere that doesn't have the little ride on toys, I find another reward, but I try not to make the reward toys. It may be something like going for a wald to the pond, of baking cookies or going swimming with him. Good luck, they can be tough!

Answer 11

Thats tough because he is a foster child. My son did that to me twice. First time, grab him by his arm and spanked him right there infront of everyone. Told him that its not acceptable behaviour and I will not have it. Shocked as he was, he didn't do that for a while. Then he tested me again and I did the same thing. I have no time to "reason with a child", or take him to the car, or threaten to take him home. I have limited time and he does not dictate to me how things are. My son is 9 now and I haven't spanked him in years. He was voted to be one of the nicest and the most polite kid in his school. I am very proud of him and now he is soooo easy.