My husband isn't helping with potty-training my son, what can I do?

Question

I have a two-year-old son (turned two the end of March) and we are working on potty training. He is doing well during the day when he's home with me and his new baby sister (she was born a week before his second birthday). He doesn't always want to sit on the potty when I ask him, but most of the time he will and he usually pees (he gets to pick out a new building block when he does something on the potty...he gets a "good job" sticker whenever he is cooperative when I ask him to do something-sit at the table for a snack, come to the bathroom, pick up toys...). But when Daddy's home it's a different story. He will not sit on his potty if my husband is in the bathroom and usually asks to wear a diaper instead of underwear if Daddy is home. When we first started potty training my husband was involved, but when my son would have an accident in his uderwear Daddy would yell at him and my son would start to cry.

After that, even if Daddy wasn't at home my son would freakout if I asked him to wear underwear. That's when I started the reward system withthe stickers and the blocks. I have never liked yelling at my son but rather use time -outs for misbehaving. In general he tends to listen and behave much better when my husband isn't home, and when Daddy IS home he usually only does things when I ask him to rather than his father. I have told my husband that I think our son is a little bit scared of him, but we're not sure what to do about it. Any advice you could give us would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I asked my husband to take our son in the bathroom to brush his teeth (which he LOVES to do) and my little guy followed right along. The secret was that after brushing their teeth, Daddy was going to pee in the toilet to show our son that big boys don't need diapers, and that even Daddy goes potty in the bathroom. Well, our son was curious when he saw my husband with his pants down. I was listening on the other side of the door and I heard my son trying to express the fact that Daddy looks like he does. Unfortunately, Daddy doesn't catch as many words as I do, and my son points and touches to help the communication along. Daddy told him not to touch and zipped up. My husband came out of the bathroom a little flustered and the next time he went to the bathroom he told me he didn't want our son in there. I did try to explain that it was inecent, and that all that probably needed to be said was that Daddy has a "pee-pee" just like he has a "pee-pee" because they are both boys.

And tell him that it's a special (private) place of the body that other people shouldn't touch, that's why we cover it with underwear. I didn't think that would be a big deal because I've had that talk about my body with my son telling him that his little sister's food comes from my breasts and that is the only reason that the baby touches me there, and since he is a big boy and doesn't drink mommy milk he doesn't need to touch me there, but can always give me hugs around my neck. I haven't had any trouble with his curiousity since and now sometimes he even tells me that the baby's eating by touching her on the cheek and saying "milk" when I am nursing her. How can I help my husband through this? I feel that my son should be "okay" with his body so I don't want him to be embarested to ask questions or to express his thoughts or feelings? (When my son has noticed his own boby I have told him that part of his body is sensitive and not to bother it, pull it, so he won't hurt himself.

Answer 1

don't pressure him. give him some time to make the decision on his own. make the potty available to him as well as big boy underwear for whenever he wants it. Let daddy take him to buy them as a "man thing" if daddy wears boxers let the little guy wear them too. there is no rule that little boys need the tightys. Have daddy take him out for some other bonding time too. That might help him to have a better relationship with his dad.

Answer 2

Wow, you've gotten a lot of advice and some of it is good but I think your issue isn't that your husband isn't helping with potty training but that your son is afraid of your husband and your husband is afraid of your son.

I think it's often hard for us, as mothers, to realize that our husbands don't have that "instinct" like we do and we get to spend all this time getting to know our kids while they are at work, yet we expect our husbands to get home and jump right in and know how to do it all.

I sounds like your husband is frustrated (heck every parent with a 2 year old and a new born is!) and just doesn't know how to parent your son without getting frustrated at him. Your son is afraid because Daddy yelled at him and Daddy knows he made his son afraid of him which makes him even more frustrated.

Okay, now that I've Dr. Phil'ed you...a solution...

First You two are VERY VERY VERY busy people right now but taking a break to take a 'effective parenting' class together will be worth your effort. Even if your supermom, first-I'm sure you two could use the time away, alone together, even if it is to take a parenting class. Second, it's a great place to meet other parents and make new friends, and Third, you two might learn new ways to handle old and future situations that are bound to happen. Local churches, schools and community centers usually have them pretty often, most are free and a few will even offer childcare on site.(also check your YMCA)

Lastly, realize that your husband is trying and that he's not perfect and needs as much reassurance as your son does. If potty time is stressful for them, give the two of them a break from it, Your son is still very young, he'll one day be perfectly ready and it'll happen, until then just keep encouraging him but don't push him if he's uncomfortable. Instead, concentrate on providing 'bonding' time with daddy. Encourage them to have alone time at the park while you take care of baby or buy your son a t-ball set and set him and just Daddy loose with it. You get the idea!

Good luck and best wishes for your family!

Answer 3

See there's your answer. Your husband made your son cry and he yelled at him. What is your son to think?

That every time he is with daddy, daddy will make him cry or yell at him!!!

Daddy needs to start all over again with the potty training BUT this time, NOT YELL or make SON CRY if he messes his underwear!!! Daddy needs to be a bit more UNDERSTANDING.

Potty training takes a lot of patience, time and effort on ALL PARTS!!! EVERYONE has to be on the SAME page. EVERYONE has to do it the SAME WAY!!!

Here's my 2 cents. We potty trained our first son when he was around 2 1/2 - 3 yrs of age. Basically we FORCED him to be potty trained. We were sending him to pre-school. He was going on 10 yrs old BEFORE he was out of PULL-UPS at night.

We potty trained our second son at around 4 yrs. NEVER had a problem. HE hardly used pull-ups at night!

AGE makes a HUGE difference in potty training. So does maturity levels. Don't rush it. If he's ready he will let you know!

Answer 4

First off you and daddy need to realize that little boys don't develop all thier nerves until they are 3. So Daddy needs to chill. He will eventually get it. Don't let Daddy go into the bathroom with him until he can change his attitude. Then Daddy can go in thier and help by reassuring your little guy that all the big boys do it in the potty. It is ok for your son to see his daddy pee.. Good luck to you. I hated potty training. It was so frustrating.

Answer 5

Ditch Daddy. He sounds like a jerk, yelling at a two-year-old for not having potty training down perfect (to the point where the child is that afraid of him already). Come on, you can do better. If he's this abusive when the kid's only two, what do you think lies ahead?

Answer 6

Your husband really need to work hard to undo this terrible mistake, tell him how much his son loves him and needs his support and show him what you do. Potty training I can advise on but parent training an unwilling partner is much harder. Avoid making him feel guilty, get him to change diapers by not being around when thry need doing and above all keep praising and working with the little one.

Tackle this soon though, if your husband falls at this early hurdle then
he doesn't stand much chance of dealing with more complex issues later on.

I worst comes to worst tell him to come on to this site and I'll have a word. Dad to Dad(lol)

Answer 7

Keep Daddy out of the bathroom. Reassure your son that when he is ready, he will do what he needs to do. Also, remind both of the men in the house that accidents happen. It's okay, we're only human. But, try to have your son help in the clean up, it might help to reinforce the fact that accidents aren't any fun. I know it's hard with the infant, but, ( if it's any consolation ) no one has entered college in diapers, yet !

Answer 8

Well I just about got my 3 1/2 year old potty trained I kind tricked him into it I told him if he were a BIG BOY he would use the toilet then when he did I rewarded him

Answer 9

Scold daddy that he isn't to yell at your son. Maybe make a game out of daddy going potty to show your son it's okay again. Let your son know that daddy isn't going to yell at him anymore or daddy gets a time-out. It might work.

Answer 10

Try the underwear thing again. I found my daughter used to cheat when I put her in pull-ups. Remind him that he is going in big boy pants and that is not where he needs to pee / tinkle / whatever word you use. If he slips, give him a little pop on the rear end and tell him it's not nice. Not to hurt him, but to get his attention. He should learn rather quickly from this.