i'm bored make me laugh!!!?

Question

something really funny, please and thank you.

Answer 1

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
------------------------------...
The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
------------------------------...
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
------------------------------...
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Answer 2

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

Answer 3

Men Are Like...

1. Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

2. Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

3. Men are like chocolate bars...
sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

4. Men are like horoscopes...
they always tell you wht to do and are usually wrong.

5. Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

6. Men are like coffee...
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Answer 4

you think all the world turns around u and everybody wants to make you laugh so, think like that its funny isn't. ha ha

Answer 5

Your face makes me laugh. Ha! HA! was that funny enough?

Answer 6

my gosh mickey had a long answer.uhhhhhh...

okay a squirrel walks up to u with a block of cheese and demands all ur money,what do u do?

a)turn to get ur block of cheese ,the squirrel throws his ,u get knocked out and wake up in a tub full of ice with ur kidney missing

b)drop ur money and run*whats a squirrel doin with a block of cheese?*

c)use ur awesome jedi powers to annialate the squirrel*peda comes after u with their light sabers*

d)omg the squirrel is talking!!!!!*u reach down to poke him and he blows ur head off with an ak-47

haha seriously whered he get the block of cheese?

Answer 7

confucias once say man who stick pen!s in peanut jar is fuccen nuts :)

Answer 8

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/fartingcat.html

Answer 9

boo!!!

Answer 10

Fat

Yo momma’s so fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo mommas so fat that she has to wear two watches cuz she takes up two time zones.

Yo momma’s so fat she was in the middle of the highway I tried to swerve but ran out of gas.

Yo momma’s so fat she started singing "we are family, McDonalds, Burger King and me.

Yo mommas so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!

Yo momma’s so fat when she put on high-heels and walked out onto the street, she struck oil!

Yo momma’s so fat that when she was floatin' in the ocean Spain tried to claim her as the new world.

Yo momma’s so fat when she jumped on a trampoline with yellow on, the sun said I give up!

Yo momma’s so fat when she went to the beach and got into the water scientist classified her as a new species of whale.

Yo momma's so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo momma's so fat she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, and Chicago, NY.

Yo momma's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn".

Yo momma's so fat that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"

Yo momma's so fat when I took her to the beach, little kids surrounded her and chanted "Free Willy, Free Willy"!

Yo momma's so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra fat, jumbo, and ohmygodit'scomingtowardsus!

Yo momma’s *** is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for having 20 lbs. of crack

Yo momma’s so fat that when she fell no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

Yo momma’s so fat that when she stood up everyone yelled out "eclipse"!

Yo momma’s so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat *** out of the way.

Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she was an oil spill.

Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.

Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!

Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.

Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits.

Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.

Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters

Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial.

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat.

Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet.

Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on.

Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer.

Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her.

Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.

Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"

Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code

Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back and said "I'll wait my turn."

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back and said "I'll wait my turn."

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"

Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Break it up!"

Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food she ate it.

Yo momma so fat she don't sit in the house, she sits around the house.

Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!



--------------------------------------------
stupid

Yo momma’s so stupid, she makes blondes look smart.

Yo momma’s so stupid I told her I was going to get her Tommy HILL figure and she told me she already tried to lose weight.

Yo momma's so stupid, that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo momma’s so stupid she called the cocaine hotline to order some.

Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911?"
Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.

Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."

Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went and got toilet paper.

Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.

Yo mama so stupid it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo mama so stupid I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Yo mama so stupid she invented a silent car alarm.

Yo mama so stupid she lost her shadow.

Yo mama so stupid that when she took the Pepsi challenge she chose Jiff

Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she thought Boys II Men was a day care center.

--------------------------------------------
ugly

Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow ran away from her.

Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry.

Yo mama's so ugly, she makes onions cry.

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
--------------------------------------------
old

Yo momma so old she knew burger king when he was a prince

Yo momma so old she has an autographed bible

Yo momma old she knew the dead ocean when it was sick

Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the ***** died

Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book.

Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda.

Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class



--------------------------------------------
skinny

Yo momma so skinny you can see her farts

Yo mama's so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss.

Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.

Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.

Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.

Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.

Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.

Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.

Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Yo mama's so skinny, she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.

Yo mama's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.

Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.

Yo mama's so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.

Yo mama's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant.