Will you accept the testimony of nazgulslayer, as we accept his gospel into jim_darwinism?

Question

Jim Darwin is anointed as the Prophet of the LORD.

Now it happened that one day, the LORD looked down from
heaven and was displeased with what he saw. "My people, the
Christians, have grown unruly. They have corrupted that which I have
sent them in the writings of men. They follow the teachings of these
fundamentalists, and do not open their mind to new beliefs.
Therefore, let us send someone to help them." So the LORD looked
over the entire world, and saw that there was a child named Jim
Darwin. And the LORD said, "this child is pure in heart; I shall
make him my prophet unto the nations."
Then the Angel of the LORD appeared to Jim Darwin in a
pillar of fire, and the voice of the LORD spoke, saying, "Go, Jim
Darwin, be my prophet." And so the LORD filled Jim Darwin with His
Spirit, and anointed him to bring the Christians to light.


Jim Darwin begins his ministry.

So many years later, the Angel of the LORD once again
appeared to Jim Darwin in a vision, and said, "Go, for it is time to
begin your ministry; I am the LORD." And so Jim Darwin got up, and
went out to preach.
First, he went to his local Southern Baptist church, and
stood at the door, saying, "Repent; and embrace evolution!" But they
cast strange looks at him, and would not listen. Seeing this, he
strode into the middle of the service, and said, "I have been
anointed by the LORD, and you have rejected me! May the power of the
LORD descend upon you!" And immediately, the LORD sent down holy
brimstone and fire from Heaven; and in doing so, destroyed the
church, and the people fled, but Jim Darwin stood in the center,
arms raised for hours; and the fire did not touch him.

Jim Darwin teaches about atheists, and a Christian denounces
fundamentalists.


Teaching about Atheists

And afterwards, Jim Darwin went to a large open area, and a great
crowd came, and among them was a learned man who did not believe in
God, and he said to him, "Tell us, what of those that do not believe
in God? What of these atheists? They (the fundamentalist Christians)
have told us many things about atheists; they claim that we hate
God, worship Satan, or worship ourselves, and say we are immoral.
What say you?"
And he looked at the man, and said, "How wise are you! For I
see that you are one of these. So then, let me speak!"

The Parable of the Men and the Marsh

He said: "Consider the parable of two men, who went out to
lead a crowd through a marsh. One did not question his path, but
merely took those who would go with him, and rushed through the
marsh, paying no attention to where they walked, because of their
faith that they would reach the other side. And in doing so, many
became bogged down in quicksand, and could not get through. But the
other man took his group, and based on what they could see,
carefully led them all through to the other side. So it is with
fundamentalist Christians and atheists. For the atheist will go on
what he sees, but the fundamentalist will take his faith too far,
and in the process, bring many down with him. Now, as to your
questions about the atheist. No atheist hates God; they cannot bring
themselves to believe in him, for they feel that the evidence
supports him. No atheist worships Satan; to do so would imply belief
in a higher being, as Satan is clearly mentioned as an angel in the
Bible. No atheist worships themselves; why should they? It will do
them no good, for they believe that death is the end; therefore, to
think of themselves as a god is merely walking through life with a
blindfold. As for immorality, consider this parable I have heard of."

The Parable of the Beggars

"Six men were begging by the side of the road. As they had
had nothing to eat, and it was a Sunday, they said to
themselves, `Come, let us go to the church, for surely they shall
give us food.' And so they went to the church and begged, but the
people spat and them and hit them and commanded them to leave.
Disgruntled, one man went over to the next building, where a meeting
of persecuted atheists was taking place. Seeing the man's dire
condition, one atheist raced over, and invited the man into his
house to eat. The beggar agreed, but asked, `May I first fetch my
companions, that they may eat too?' When the man gave his agreement,
the beggar went back over to his friends, saying, `Come, for tonight
we shall eat!' But they laughed at him, and said, `Surely the church
shall give us some food and let us sleep here tonight.' So the lone
beggar went and ate and slept, but the other beggars were beaten off
the church's property, and so had to sleep in the cold."
"Many times I have thought atheists to be kinder than
Christians; but fundamentalists have succeeded in corrupting the
world today, so that oftentimes atheists are thought to be evil
sinners who will tear down the `good Christian values' of society."
At this, the crowd grew unruly, and jim_darwin saw that they planned
to harm him; for many fundamentalists had come to ask questions so
that they could trick him into giving a false answer. So Jim Darwin
said, "Look! Here is one of your fellow Christians; let him speak to
you about atheism. If you will not listen to me, perhaps you will
listen to him!"

The Christian's Speech

"Fellow Christians. In your fundamentalist ways, you are
blind men who do not even question the road when it is uneven.
Eventually, you will fall, and may not get back up! How would
anything new be learned if old things were not questioned?
Therefore, the atheist is important, for in their knowledge of
science, the atheist may help you to better understand God."
The fundamentalists became angered, but before they could
take Jim Darwin or the Christian, the latter began to speak again.
"You fundamentalists assume all atheists are alike. You heap
them together, and call them `atheists,' or `evolutionists.' Yet you
do not understand that they are different people: astronomers,
biologists, and many other professions. After all, would you not
agree with me that a Methodist is slightly different than a Southern
Baptist? Yet you assume that all atheists are alike as I have said
before. You claim they all believe in the same things: the Big Bang,
and evolution. Yet to many an atheist, some of these theories do not
make sense. Some atheists even support your ideas on abortion. All
atheists are human beings; they are different. They have different
political views, and different scientific views. Indeed, who are you
to judge them?"
"Why do you dismiss the findings of scientists? Such people
work to come by their decisions, but you, with your limited
knowledge, citing unspecified reasons descend upon them as jackals!
If your pastor were to make a comment about the Bible, and someone
who had never read a word of Scripture rejected it, does this make
sense? Why then, my brothers and sisters, do you do this to
scientists, and claim they are immoral and invent their claims to
disprove you? Come; let me hear your response!"
But the anger of the fundamentalists was kindled against
him; and they took him and lynched him, and left him by the side of
the road, saying, "He was not a true Christian." And so Jim Darwin
fled, to avoid the wrath of the fundamentalists.

Jim Darwin stops a Hellfire sermon.

Then Jim Darwin went to rest by a lake, but at the lake was
a protégé of Jerry Falwell named John Evans, who was delivering a
Hellfire sermon against gays. And the Angel of the LORD appeared to
Jim Darwin in a dream as he slept, and said to him, "Rise, my
servant! For a serpent nestles near!" And Jim Darwin awoke, and saw
the sermon, and said to himself, "Ah, what damage they do in their
ignorance!"
So he put his hands to the sky, and cried in a loud
voice, "O, LORD, stop this charlatan!" And immediately the LORD
lifted the lake from its bed, and emptied it onto Evans, and the
people cheering him. And many were frightened, saying, "This is the
prophet that destroyed the church; now he has emptied a lake; surely
the LORD is with him!" And the people fled from there, but Evans
swore revenge; and afterwards, Jim Darwin placed the lake back in
its bed.

Jim Darwin well received.

Now at some churches, Jim Darwin would come to stand at the
door, and the members would come to him, and say, "Come inside, for
you are gifted." And he would respond, "Blessed are you who embrace
new ideas and new ways; for this is the will of the LORD!" And he
would sit in the churches, teaching, with the full blessing of the
pastor and the congregation.

The Parable of the Farmers

"Two farmers went out into a field; one was foolish, and his
mind was closed. The other was wise, and his mind open. And the
foolish farmer did not rotate his crops, but according to the old
ways, planted barley over and over again. The wise farmer, however,
rotated his crops, in accordance with the new ways. And they did
this for many years, and were near equals in prosperity. The day
came, however, when there was a large barley surplus, and the
foolish farmer did not get as much money as he usually had. His
field was worn out; so he could not plant new crops, and he did not
have enough money to keep himself alive and own his farm; so he was
forced to sell it and become a beggar. The wise farmer, however, had
many crops, and was able to keep his money and farm. So it is with
the world; the fundamentalists are the foolish farmer, and you, who
have allowed yourself to embrace the new ways, are the wise farmer."
And when then had heard this, they were amazed.

A Plot to Kill Jim Darwin

Now Jim Darwin went to a town that had only one church,
which was Southern Baptist. And the preacher there came to strong
men of the community and said, "This heretic is here; when he comes
to condemn us at service, let us seize him, and kill him for
blaspheming against God." So when Jim Darwin went and stood at the
door, the men went out to seize him, but Jim Darwin stretched forth
his hands, and the men were knocked backwards by a great wind, so
they became afraid, and told the preacher, "We went to kill him, but
we were thrown onto the ground by a wind."
Hearing this, the preacher went out to confront Jim Darwin.

Jim Darwin Denounces the Preacher

When Jim Darwin saw the preacher coming to confront him, he
said in a loud voice, "Listen to me, people of this church! You have
become corrupted in your ways; if you remain in the past, you shall
surely fail! Beware of your proud preacher, who stutters in his fine
clothes, and takes your money, and condemns others to Hell! Is it
not written, `No man knows the mind of God?' Why then, do you accept
him as though he were God? Surely this is blasphemy!"
When the crowd heard this, they became enraged, and rushed
him, meaning to kill him, but they found there was an invisible
barrier surrounding Jim Darwin. And he stayed there the rest of the
day, preaching.

John Evans' Plan

Now John Evans' heart still burned for revenge against Jim
Darwin, and he decided that he would call together a large council
of fundamentalists; and when Jim Darwin came, they would kill him,
for their rage against him was great, and they were convinced that
the LORD would support them in their endeavor.
And in the months leading up to the council, Jim Darwin
gained even more followers, and became even more popular with the
people.

The Council, and Jim Darwin's Revenge

So 15 prominent fundamentalists gathered by the side of a
great lake, and they began to preach to the masses, denouncing many
people, and all science, especially evolution. Finally, when, after
many days, they were done, John Evans stood up, and said, "Where is
this Jim Darwin, this prophet who makes war on the righteous? Has he
no courage that he has not come?"
And the moment he said this, there was a loud clap of
thunder, and a strong wind, and on the other side of the lake
appeared, in the middle of a pillar of fire, in a white robe, and
shining with the brilliance of God, was Jim Darwin.
And he said, "How dare you doubt the word of Jim Darwin, the
appointed and anointed servant of the LORD! Behold, I tell you the
truth, not one of you shall live to see another day!" And he opened
his mouth, and the fire of the LORD came through, and it was so hot,
it dried up the entire lake so that within seconds, fried fish lying
on the bottom was the only evidence the lake had ever been there.
And the fire of the LORD stripped the flesh off the fundamentalists'
bones, and turned their bones to ash; and thus was the will of the
LORD completed.

The Ascension of Jim Darwin

When this was done, Jim Darwin turned to the crowd, which
included many of his followers and said, "Thus is my task completed;
carry on my ministry, for the blessing of Jim Darwin, and of the
Lord, shall pour down upon you." So saying, he lifted his hands, and
was instantly drawn up through the pillar of fire into heaven, and
was never seen again on the earth. But his followers remembered, and
began to spread his teachings across the world.

Answer 1

Wow. There's a lot to swallow. Being a Catholic Christian, I do agree with you about blindly following someone or something. But let me tell you another parable. There were two boys fallen victim to a storm at sea. Their boat had been destroyed and the two boys alone made it to a deserted Island. The Lord God took pity upon them and sustained them until adulthood when by chance a fishing vessel sited the now young men on the shore and took them back to civilization. The men, not being familiar with many ideas and customs, were told about hot stoves and snakes and such things that were deemed a possible danger to them.

The one man said to himself, "The Lord my God has blessed me all these years with protection and now he has rescued me and put me with these people who teach me what is good and what is bad so I shall follow the rules of this people because the Lord my God loves me and does not wish harm to come to me".

The other man said to himself, "Although the Lord my God has blessed me in all things and protected me, I must now be cautious and test all things despite what has been handed down to me".

And the two young men after being taken into two different families later met up with each other a year later. The one man, healthy and teaming with love and confidence in the Lord. The other man burned and bitten and hating his very birth. The man who took the advice of the Lord said to the other, "What has happened to you my brother?" The other man replied, "I felt it necessary to test all things and not take the blind word of others and now my burned and bitten body will carry the scars of my foolishness into my death."

Answer 2

Blessed be Jim Darwin. Peace be upon him.

Fried fish at the bottom of the lake.

Great story.

Answer 3

I agree and enjoyed this.
I like "Teachings about Atheists"
I agree that it is often assumed that Atheists and evolution believers are some how immoral.
Cool.
Hmmm ... I wonder what Evil Jim Darwin will have to say about this?

Answer 4

Holy crap, Jim. That must have taken a while to write. And, I read all of it. awesome, but it still doesn't answer my question about the museum of Jim Darwin's natural history aka (how old are you)

Answer 5

Too much to read. But the gist of it seems to be that you like Jim Darwin.

Answer 6

that is way to long i doubt your gonna get a real answer and seen as that i didn't read i will leave you with this i am a christian so you better not say anything bad about us or else iam gonna have to pray for you seen as i can't curse you

Answer 7

Powerful stuff Mr. Jim... Powerful stuff

Answer 8

Wow, Preach on brother.

Answer 9

This is the greatest post ever.

I do accept the testimony of nazgulslayer.

Answer 10

got a lot of time on your hands do you?..try reading a bible