My father's crying and moaning my mother who died long time ago... it made me cry also?!? Help me, please?

Question

My father's crying and moaning my mother's name who's died long time ago... it made me cry also?!? Help me, please...?

My mother has passed away during my childhood and I miss her a lot... Now, I just live with my father and my twin sister together... just three of us. I don't have any fond memory with my mom... but I sometimes think about her and -I don't know why- I start crying...

When I ask my father about mom, he doesn't talk a lot about her. He only says that I resemble her a lot in many ways, I look like my mom when she's about my age, and I've been inherited by her talent on dancing and fighting... those all just make me cry in the end...

Last night, after I made love with my boyfriend... I came home late and found my father crying on the couch... moaning about mom and how he missed her so much.... It's too much for me and I started crying again...

What's wrong with us? Why can't we just let her go...?

Answer 1

hi... I know what its like to lose your mother... I don't think that a girl should ever have to go through that experince but the truth of life is that it does happen....
Some people say that you should just deal with it and get on with your life.. but I truly wonder if those people have ever had such a loss, or if they have whether they dealt with it properly... but the truth is that even if we may think that we have dealt with it - it will still come back to us, the fact that we have lost someone who had a special place in our life.... especially someone THAT close... for a husband to lose their wife is a heartwrenching experience - only the stonehearted would not be affected (and even then they would be lucky)... for a daughter to lose her mother - my heart goes out to you... and you will never forget that pain because there will always be something to remind you that she is not around... your first kiss, your graduation, your wedding day, your first child.....
They say that time heals all pains and hurts..... I'd have to agree that sometimes time can be an ally and take away much of the superficial stuff, but would we really want it to take away our deepest feelings and emotions?? would we want the stuff that makes us human, the stuff that shapes and moulds us, to be taken away from us??
One thing that is an imperative though when you have been touched by a tragedy like that, is to remember that no matter how much time might elapse, that you are still fragile, still need to be loved purely... and your father and your twin need it too just as much as you...
So my encouragement would be to pull together and love each other, be patient on the days when all you want to do is yell and explode, be patient and work through your emotions, value the tears - don't try and dismiss them or wipe them away - they make you (and your family) who you are... talk about your mother... do things to honour your mother... encourage each other not to try to hide behind your feelings by covering it up or trying to deal with it in non-helpful ways/relationships/work etc.
One thing a mentor has said countless times to me is; "it's ok not to be ok".... realise that its all a part of life, life is a rollercoaster ride, sometimes there's high bits, sometimes there's low bits, sometimes things are just so-so. You may never know what is around the next corner, in the next minute or the next day. Take every moment, seize upon it and make it special and full of love - for the moment will never come again, and one day it may be your (or someone you love) last moment.
So don't dismiss the things that are a part of your soul... treasure them...
:-)

--Tell your dad that you love him!

Answer 2

well, thats a tough topic for anyone who answers your question but im going for it. keep in mind that noone here is a phsycologist or anything and all the opinion is going to be based on what you wrote, nothing else. My guess for what is happening is not that anything is going wrong with you, this is completely normal and if you guys are still crying for her it is because in a surtain way this still affects you, i mean, ofcourse it does because you cry about her but it is much deeper than that. Probably the reason why your dad cries about her is because he has not accepted the fact that she is not there and doesnt let go. He should get some help to take all those things out of his head so he can live a normal life again. And for you, since you dont remember much about he, i think that what affects you is the fact of seying your dad cracked up about her. If you cant let her go, it is just because you do not want to, but that sometimes is very hard to really want. You have to be conscious that in life there are always going to be things that come and go and you have to learn to accept to let go of things because if you stick to them, your future is going to stay in the past. Here is the way i see it and how i solve my problems, the past is the past and scince it already passed it no longer exists, it is not real anymore so you just have to face whatever affects you and then leave it behind. I tell you all of this cuz my father died when I was 2 and i cryed for him until i was 15 (2 years ago) until i faced the reality that he was no longer with me, remember him as one of the good things that went through my life (although what i remember of him is really vague) and went through with my life. Good luck!!!

Answer 3

Losing a spouse and a mother is a very hard thing to deal with, sorry about your loss. The only thing I can think of is find a positive roll model a strong woman who can be there for you. Your Dad should start going out and meeting women he still has time to move on and live his life. Both of you can always have her in your hearts. The only thing that disturbs me about this question is why would you write about you and your boyfriend making love that had nothing to do with the question you asked.

Answer 4

You don't mention if your dad has had the chance to develop other relationships, but if so, it is possible that he may be feeling a little guilty should he have "feelings" for another woman. Not uncommon. If your dad has not met anyone, or if he refuses to rejoin the human race, then he and your family may need to talk to a grief counselor.
Grief takes on several specific stages that everyone goes through;
emotional, anger, disbelief, guilt, but while they are all the same for everyone, the time frame and order is different for everyone. Some will go in order, others at the end backwards, some for a few months, others a few years at each or every stage.
Your dad sounds very much like me when my mom passed away last yr, I just couldn't function for so long.... I went through the moves, but I was not "present".. For this 'mourning" to last several years, tells me that you all need some help with this. He obviously loved your mom very much, but he needs to accept her death, and that life goes on. That is so damn easy to say... so damn hard to do....
For you, if you feel like crying at the loss of your mom, or simply because you miss her, YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD, IT IS PERFECTLY OK. I say this to you, as you seem to understand that it is ok to move on with life, whereas your father seems to be having a hard time. Don't encourage him to get involved with anyone specific at this time. That would lead to two people hurting not just one, him.
The essence of good advice is that in order to handle and deal with the grieving process, you MUST FEEL. If you ignore, or step aside of how you FEEL, you will never come to terms, and it sounds very much as if your dad has not dealt with all of the emotions he needs to. My guess is he put them away to raise you two girls. Now, your older, he has more time to think, but the FEELINGS have been buried for so long, he may not know how to react except to cry....
S*&t, give him a bat, outside with a tree, and let him hit that baby for all he's worth. I bet the tree and the bat will come tumbling down before your dad does.... Anger is the next to last that must be addressed. Once you do that, then your final step is acceptance, and then LIFE!!
I know, I still use my bat once in awhile since my mom died.... :)
Deepest Regards....

Answer 5

It's very difficult to resume your life after your spouse has passed away - especially to resume your normal activities. It's also difficult to be alone - you can be lonely in a crowd. Your father probably doesn't talk about your mother because it's painful for him. I think your father is lonely . . . perhaps suggesting some counseling or getitng involved in a group might help. I'm not sure what your interpretation of "a long time ago" is, but it seems that it's time for your father to let go and rebuild his life. Easier said than done, trust me (I lost my husband 8+ years ago).

Answer 6

something is off here... you say she died when you were a child? how old are you? why did you say after you made love with your boyfriend? lol why not just say, when i came home. ??? anyway, im just curious how long this has been going on. has your dad always been this way or is it just recently?? i would say your family needs to go see a grief counselor and you should stay out of your boyfriends bed because you sound really young. the death of a loved one such as yours is extremely hard to understand and cope with. in my experience, you never really get over it...as in, forget about it or stop missing them.. but you do go on with your life. they would want you to. life aint always beautiful, but its a beautiful ride. (song by gary allen) good luck!

Answer 7

All you can do is continue to be there for your father....There will come a time when it won't seem as bad to the two of you, and your tears (and his) will spawn memories and he will open up more about your mom. I don't know how long ago she passed, but I can tell you from experience that it will and does get better.....time will heal you wounds......just allow it (time) to do what it do.....

Answer 8

NOt to be mean at a time like this but what does u making Love with u'r BF have anything to do with this sad story?..... N-e-ways U guys just need to thinkthat she is in a better place.... be happy that she is no longer in any type of pain..... God needed her as an angel for one or another reason.......

Answer 9

maybe the best things in life arent mean t to be forgotten and you father really misses her; but nothing is wrong wiht your family this happens to many people. And the reason you guys cant let her go is becasue you really love her

Answer 10

Its very natural for your family to miss her even now........
Loved ones are never forgotten....
You should remember all the wonderful moments spent with them rather than feeling bad and sorry about the whole situation
Take care