How can I accomodate my mother (who gets very nervous around groups of 10 or more) at my wedding?

Question

My mother has generously offered to plan my wedding with her and my Dad paying for the lion's share of the expenses. She says it's "my day" and what I want is important, but also has a good amout of social phobia. She is ok with going out to dinner with 2-5 friends or family members, but more than that and she gets nervious, so a wedding (espcially her daugher's wedding) would be like torture to her because not only would she have to be around more people, she'd be expected to *talk* to them (the thing that gets her nervous).

Cutting the guest list won't help too much - we expect about 50 people and she herself wants them all there. Plus anywhere over 10 people and she's nervous anyhow.

She says it's not important how she feels and she'll "get through" it, but I think that's terrible - I want to make her feel safer.

So far I've told her I insist on accomidating her - she admits she can "breathe better" just thinking that.

I also thought of:

* no receiving line

* assigned seats (so she knows who she's with)

* structuring activities so that if everybody's milling about, she's "protected" by being engaged in something

* structuring activities so that she visits with people in small, pre-planned "bites"

* having an "escape room" that is private for her and known about only by those she chooses to tell (me, her sister, my Dad)

.....any other ideas??

Answer 1

Create small conversation areas, where it is physically impossible for more than 6 - 8 perople to gather at any one time. Also, have some open air places where a group can disperse and not look quite so large. If worst comes to worst, remember.... a better life through chemistry.

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

How about going on test runs with her? I know it must be hard to try this at first, but let her know how much you want her to share in your happiness on you Big day. Start by going to a park, then a restuarant at dinner time, then maybe a family get together. Have a special place set up at the wedding, like a reading room or a bathroom with a sitting area for only her to retreat too, when things get overwhelming. Maybe even her doctor could give her a temporary medication, for social anxiety disorder, so she can feel a little more at home. And don't be upset if she does leave a little early, try to take pictures and share moments with her at the beginning of the reception, so she doesn't feel left out.
I hope it works out for you and your mom, Good luck and Congrats.

Answer 4

I too do not like to be around very many People at one time, so I know how she will feel. She says she will get through it but give her a hug whenever you can the day of your wedding and kinda have your dad keep an eye out for her, you will be busy, That way she can escape to someone she feels comfortable around. Also keeping her busy so she does not really have time to notice so many people and told she is doing a great job helps. Hope this helps, Have a great Wedding and Congratulations!!!

Answer 5

As your mother, she should be sitting up at the front, maybe she won't notice it if she doesn't look behind her. Otherwise, you may need to invite less people. This is your day, it would be very unfortunate if your mother couldn't be there, but if she can't make it through the day, maybe she shouldn't be there. If she hasn't done so, she should really see a doctor about it. There are many wonderful drugs that she can at least take temporarily to get her through the day, and possibly take on a regular basis to help her deal with the anxiety every day. But she should probably get some counciling too.

Answer 6

My mother is like that too, maybe not AS bad, but I know what you mean. It is very nice that she is trying to overcome her fear for you and Also for you to care so much about her. If you have a good amount of time before the wedding, maybe you could slowly introduce her to different members of your fiance's family. Go to dinner with different small groups at a time. When you make the seating arrangements for the wedding make sure she is with a small group of the people she is closest to and most comfortable with. Hope this helps! Good luck and congratulations!!

Answer 7

Your ideas are good ones. I think an escape room is definitely the way to go, she can always pretend that she is powdering her nose. Has spoken to a doctor about this? I'm sure you know it's not normal to be this scared to be a in a room of 50 friends. I don't like being with strangers, but friends are cool. I just had an idea, try to find a reception space that's an old house, with tables set up in different rooms, so everyone isn't in one giant room, I bet that would help alot. Not sure where you are, but in NJ and PA that's pretty easy to do.

Answer 8

give her half of a valuim, are seat her beside a family member like ur brother are sister, let her no it will be ok , an if u can talk to her threw out the evening , maybe once she there she will feel better, cause most of the conversation is going to be about the wedding, bring up topic that only she can anwer, like mom how was it when u got married, are ask things about you when u was little, anything that will make her feel better usually question only she can anwer,

Answer 9

Congrats on your upcoming wedding! Perhaps a visit to your mother's doctor is in order to explain the situation and perhaps get a mild tranq for the day! Or if you have enough time before the wedding, get her in to see a therapist. This could be a blessing for both of you if her problems could be remedied forever!

Answer 10

Perhaps make sure theres somewhere for her to go to avoid people if she gets too nervous if you've got any siblings get them to keep an eye out for her on your wedding, it's your big day and she obviously wants you to enjoy yourself. One thing you mustn't do is make her feel like your resposibility she'll want to not get nervous so much she'll end up being even more nervous.