My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary 2 days ago. We live next door to his mother. everytime she has a problem of any kind she calls him to come help her & stays there for hours. She has it in his head that he is to be the father figure 2 his 2 younger brothers. She always asks to borrow money and he doesnt tell me till after he let her. He makes plans for us with her and her family without telling me. She even tried to take over in the planning of our wedding last year. He feels that he has to take care of her and his brothers. We dont have much money for us to live on in the first place. She invites herself almost every place we go together. And he is ok with it. We dont have much free time for just the 2 of us. They never ask me if its ok with me. His mom plays the drama card on him all the time and he falls for it. Everytime I say something he just gets mad and wont talk to me for days. I dont know how to get it through his head. What should I do?
2006-07-11 04:12:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Sounds like you have a real problem. If he gets mad and doesn't talk to you, then there doesn't seem to be much you could do. He needs another man to tell him how it is, he might listen then. Right now he doesn't seem to realize that he has a new family. Helping out parents and siblings is fine, but if you stretch yourself thin, then it's a problem.
I think one major problem is that you live next door. If you are going to be that close, you might as well just live in his bedroom in his mom's house, since he hasn't effectively left the next yet. How old is he? He may find it hard to be a man and deal with responsibility. Some time might help.
He really needs to realize that what he is doing is going to push you away and you are going to find a real man who will take care of his wife.
Maybe you could compromise with him about how much he sees her. At the very least, try to get the thing where she invites herself to stop.
2006-07-11 04:22:10 · answer #1 · answered by Icy U 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh honey. My first husband was the same way. I came home from work one day to find a brand new dirt bike in the driveway. He said his mom (an accountant) said we could afford it. Together we were making about $15 an hour. With two kids. No. We couldn't afford it. I didn't even know he wanted one. She was the elephant in the room during our whole marriage, which only lasted 5 years. It was the big reason we divorced. He is on wife #3 now. Hasn't changed a bit. Momma's boys never do. Your first mistake was moving in next door. To be honest, my ex MIL lived 10 miles away and it didn't help anything, but I cannot imagine what it would have been like if she lived next door. I feel for you hon. I really hope you can make it work.
2006-07-11 04:19:45 · answer #2 · answered by blondeqtpie13 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, your husband is definitely a mommas boy. This isnt always a bad thing, but it seems in this particular case he has quite a manipulative mother. This can be a very difficult and delicate situation. He apparently has a very indebted sense of obligation to his mother and brothers. You firstly need to let him know how you feel about the situation, calmly, without yelling or getting upset, but FIRMLY state how you feel. Tell him you understand he loves his mother but you ALSO need attention and feel neglected and unimportant. I think that you also, depending on the temperment of the mother, might want to sit down and have some tea with her and discuss the situation, she may be able to help you, but then again she might also just not like you (its a mother in law, it happens) But understand this, do not try to come between him and his family, because he will pick his family without a doubt, and dont make him "pick a side" because that will only cause great disdain towards you. You need to make him see this situation from your point of view, explain to him how it feels, but do this tactfully. I often imagine someone telling me something before i tell them to see how I personally would react in the sitation. I hope this helps.
2006-07-11 04:25:47 · answer #3 · answered by mimetic1 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't have kids until you sort this out!
Get rid of him. If you say, "Your mother or me," it won't work. He has too many issues with the family and whatnot. Heavy ones. In a way, you'd be doing him a favor - once he realizes that he lost out on a good wife because of this infantile behavior, maybe he will get better.
It's hard. Not at all easy. But this marriage is not going to work, even if you move a thousand miles away from mommy.
2006-07-11 04:20:47 · answer #4 · answered by sonyack 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Next time he tries to plan something with you and his mom and family without telling you, tell him that you're not going. Maybe that will jolt him into realizing he should be more considerate to you. Or you could do the same thing to him and see how he likes it. Invite your parents to stay with you for a couple days and don't tell him. Just let them show up and then say, "Oh, I've planned for us all to do this and that" and see how he likes it. Good luck.
2006-07-11 04:21:03 · answer #5 · answered by Marie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you talk to him, do you tell him how serious you feel and how unhappy you are? I mean all this stuff with his mom can't be new. Perhaps because you are so unhappy you should start talking to a counselor. If you do that it might give him a light bulb moment. You should also try setting down some ground rules. Like Mom can't call or be over after 7pm, stuff like that. It's reasonable.
2006-07-11 04:17:38 · answer #6 · answered by sugarcarat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mary ive known you for years....im not married...hell im only 18 years old but everyone here does have a point. You were one of the people i looked up to when i was growing up and i still do love u like a sis and i want nothing more than to see you happy. But yes put your foot down and tell him the crap has to stop....or like someone had previously mentioned "Me or your mom" type attitude.Anyways i have things to do and the best of luck to you...im always there to talk.
Love u big sis,
-Josh-
2006-07-11 11:42:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you want to make year no#2 you all need a sit down. Be honest, respectful and make her understand that you guys are practically newlyweds and you need time for yourselves. Put everything on the table . It's OK for him to love his mother the way he does but she needs to let go a little considering that he's right next door.
2006-07-11 04:26:12 · answer #8 · answered by donise225 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to remind him that as of a year ago you became his primary family and they are now his distant family. Tell him that it needs to change. I think the best thing would be to move, though. That's way too close to live when he's such a momma's boy.
2006-07-11 04:58:00 · answer #9 · answered by caitlinerika 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to move. Across town. To another state. He needs to grow up and mommy needs to cut the umbilical cord.
2006-07-11 04:17:59 · answer #10 · answered by ninusharra 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋