Can someone tell me a joke because i need to laugh?

Question

and in return for making me laugh i will give you a whole 10 points!

hahahahahaha i love the jokes people

Answer 1

I have 3 jokes :)

Blonde Guy

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked,

cowering on the closet floor.

"You jerk!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"




Successful

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."




SweetHearts

Two high school sweethearts who went together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents

Answer 2

Not so dumb blonde
A blonde & a Lawyer were sitting next to each other on a plane from london to Sydney
The lawyer woke the blonde & suggested they play a game.The blonde refused & went back to sleep.
The lawyer woke her again & said it would be fun.The blonde said she would play,the lawyer then said
"I'll ask you a question & if you can't get it right you pay me $5,you the ask me a question & if I can't answer right
I'll give you $5".The blonde says she isn't interested and goes back to sleep.The lawyer then says "how about I give you $500
for every question I can't get right but you only pay me $5"
The blonde says she'll play, so the lawyer asks her"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde then gives the lawyer $5
The blonde then asks the lawyer " What has 3 legs when it goes up a hill but 4 legs when it goes down?"
The lawyer takes out his laptop and surfs the net to find the answer but can't find it after 2 hours
So he e-mailed all his friends but none knew the answer.Finally he writes out a cheque for the blonde for $500
The blonde takes the cheque & goes back to sleep.
The lawyer wakes the blonde & asks "well whats the answer?)
The blonde then reaches in her purse and give the lawyer $5

Answer 3

ok ima try give u these agian

MORON


How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff !
(hahaha)
Ways To Annoy People
Name your dog "Dog."
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "eat away your food " !
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
FUNNY DIALOGUES
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.
Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with her old one?
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!
Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything.
Doctor: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!
Teacher: Charles, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Charles: Yes, ma'am. "Does discount as a sentence?"
Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."
Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil
Teacher: Say, you can't sleep in my class.
Student: I could if you didn't talk so loud.
HOW CHILDREN DRIVE THEIR TEACHERS CRAZY !

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!

Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!

TEACHER :Give me three reasons why the world is round
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !

TEACHER : What is the plural of mouse ?
Pupil :Mice
TEACHER : Good, now what's the plural of baby ?
Pupil : Twins !

TEACHER : What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil : Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !

teacher:Why does history keep repeating itself?
student:Because we weren't listening the first time!

Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!



Yo momma jokes

Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family.
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo momma so short she gotta slam-dunk her bus fare!
Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma!
Yo Momma so poor I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me & tried to take my wallet!
Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, I can't believe its not butter.
yo mama so fat she carry a toaster like a beeper
yo mama so fat when she farted i tried not to laugh but the floor was cracking up
yo mama so stupid she return a puzzle back to the store cause she thought it was broken
Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."!!
yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn OFF the surveillence cameras!!!
your mama's so fat, when she walked past the t.v. I missed 3 episodes.
your mama's so dumb, she planted 2 nickels hopin' for a dime

Answer 4

Things not to say to a naked guy
(giggle and point!)
Are you cold?
At least this won't take long.
But it still works, right?
Can I be honest with you?
Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
Do you take steroids?
Does it come with an air pump?
Every heard of clearasil?
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I didn't know they came that small.
I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
I never saw one like that before.
If you get me real drunk first.
It looks like a night crawler.
It looks so unused.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
It's more fun to look at.
It's ok, we'll work around it.
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
Never mind, why bother.
Oh no, a flash headache.
Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
This explains your car.
What is that?
Where's the rest of it?
Who circumcised you?
Why don't we just cuddle?
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Wow, but your feet are so big.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

Answer 5

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"



A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."




Two zebras pondering
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Answer 6

okay, so there's this high security 4 story building. on the 1st story, there's a guy who's gonna graduate from college soon. on the 2nd story, there's a couple who r getting married soon. on the 3rd story, there lives a blind man.
on the 4th, story is a middle-aged woman (around 40). so one day, she is taking a nice, long bath after a hard day at work. she's onlybeen in for a minute or 2, and she hears the dorrbell ring. so she puts on a toeal and goes 2 answer the door. it's the guy from the 1st story saying that he just graduated. so the woman goes back 2 her bath. just as she starts relaxing again, she hears the doorbell ring again. she mutters a bit under her breath, puts on a towel, and answers the door. it's the couple, saying that they just got married. the woman gives a few words og congrats and goes back 2 her bath. about 5 min. later, she hears the doorbell ring. she knows it must b the blind man, because no one can get in without all the residents being notified. so she doesn't put on a towel and goes 2 answer the door. the blind man declares "I got my vision back!"..............

Answer 7

A duck walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk, "do you have any duckfeed?" The clerk simply says "no," and the duck walks out. The next day, the duck comes back and goes to the same clerk, again asking," do you have any duckfeed?" The clerk says,"I told you yesterday, we do not have any duck feed and we still don't have any today!" So the duck walks out of the store. The next day, the duck walks in again, goes up to the same clerk and asks, "do you have any duck feed?" The clerk becomes red-faced annoyed and blurts,"I told you...we had no duckfeed 2 days ago. We had no duckfeed yesterday, and we don't have any today! If you ask me that one more time, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves the store. The next day, the duck goes up to the clerk (who is already starting to get worked up), and asks, "got any nails?" The clerk, somewhat rattled, stammers, "no...we're expecting a shipment this afternoon."

To which the duck asks, "got any duckfeed?"

Answer 8

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it
was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He
grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Retired old men can still think fast

Answer 9

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people,
if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess.? I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.? "Tray-up, *****."

Answer 10

once there was a girl named chocolate_icecream and a guy named wolverine. once the girl got bored and wanted to hear some jokes which could make her laugh. So she posted this question on yahoo answers
so wolverine thought and thought and came up with a joke.
she wanted to hear a joke
Wolverine said " a joke"
Ha Ha Ha Ha
the girl got frustated.
i hope u r frustated right.... i am sorry....... cheer up