I am so STRESSED!...someone make me laugh?

Answer 1

A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp it said “Wy”. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a “Wy” on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy too and the waiter said no mine says “Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day!!!”



A little boy and his father are at the zoo when the little boy sees two lions having sex.
"What are the lions doing?" He asks his father.
"Baking a cake."
Later that afternoon, the little boy and his mom are walking in the park, and they see two dogs having sex.
"What are the doggies doing?" He asks.
"Baking a cake."
That night, the boy catches his parents having sex downstairs on the couch. He says nothing, and goes back to bed. In the morning, during breakfast, the little boy looks at his parents and says,
"I know what you were doing last night, you were baking a cake. And when you were finished, I licked the icing up off the couch!"


An old couple celebrate their 60th anniversary and a week later the husband drops dead. One enquiring mourner at the funeral asks the wife how the husband died, to which she replied "Well, when my husband was alive we used to make love every Sunday to the rhythm of the church bells. In with the dings and out with the dongs"
To which the mourner replies "Well, I mean no offence, but you are both old,no wonder that killed him" The old woman snaps back at him, "What are you talking about! If that ice-cream van hadn't gone past he'd still be with us now!"


Little Johnny was always cursing at school. One day the teacher asked the class, " Can someone tell me something that starts with the letter A? Little Johnny pipes up"Asshole". She scolds Johnny and asks" The letter B? Johnny sticks his hand up and says" Bastard". The teacher repeats the question all the way to the letter R, of course not allowing Johnny to answer. At R Johnny jumps up again, raises his hand. The teacher hesitates, trying to think of swear words beginning with the letter R and finally gives up. OK, Johnny she says, go ahead. Johnny proudly proclaims, Rat, A big fu**ing rat about this big. i thaught of darron



Bush and Cheney were out walking when they came upon a dog cleaning himself. Bush looked down at the dog and told Cheney " I wish I could do that, and Cheney replied, Do you want me to hold the dog for you " !

Answer 2

1. When my brother was about 20 years old and going to college in Portland, Oregon, he used to call our parents in Long Beach, California every time he needed money. He also use to take a bus every chance he would get to come home for the week ends, with the support of our parents.

One night he called from Portland and asked our mother if they would send him some extra money to fly home, since he was getting tired of the buses. When our father heard this he yelled from across the room, "Tell him to stick a feather up his butt and fly home!"

My brother said, "What did Dad say?"

Our mother answered, "He said, you'll have to take the bus home, dear."



2. A young man volunteered to baby-sit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back.

At 9pm, the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbour Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."


3. A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."


4. Baby sitter (greeting the returning parents): "Don't apologize for being late. If I had your two, I wouldn't be in any hurry to get back home either."

Answer 3

Hi, Honey, this is Daddy; Pick Up

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh, yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now."

**Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then. This is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh, my gosh!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486-5731??"

Answer 4

The see through top
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Answer 5

One day this guy walks into immigration requesting a green card the lady says to him if you can make sentence out of the following three words the card is all yours, green, pink and yellow , so the guy says to the lady i got it, green,green, i pink up the phone and i say yellow......

Answer 6

A professor wrote the following on a blackboard: "A woman withouth her man is nothing". He then proceeded to ask the class to punctuate it!

The guys wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing!"

The girls wrote: "A woman, without her, man is nothing!"

Answer 7

once a boy wanted to take a shower with his dad. so he asked. dad can i take a shower with you?he said OK, but don't look at my limousine(private spot).the next day he wanted to take a bath with mom. so he asked. mom, can i take a shower with u?she said yes, but dont look at my garage(private spot).
later on the boy said 'mom open the garage so dad could put his limousine in'

Answer 8

what do ethiopeans and Yoko Ono have in common?

they both live off dead Beatles.

Answer 9

why are pirates called pirates?
coz they aaarrrrrrrrrrr
hope it made u smile

Answer 10

What are the ingredients?