Is she right to be upset?

Question

I am the youngest brother and I have 3 sisters from a traditional indian family. A few months back I graduated and my mum brought me a card and an expensive briefcase. The year before it was my sisters graduation and we got her nothing. She insisted we go out for a celebration and after the meal I suggested that she pay as kept saying she would. She said she didn't have her card so my parents paid. A few years back it was her birthday and we got her a card but no present. My mum handed her a bag of loose nuts. a few weeks later it was my birthday and my mum gave me some presents. My mum has always said I will get the property that she owns. that is 3 houses worth in total over half a million. However I am the youngest and it was my sisters who helped my mum pay for the mortagages...they turned over quite a bit of their salaries. My folks gave my two older sisters 'ok' weddings and for my other unmarried sister my mum is encouraging her to make it small.

Additional Details

22 hours ago
My mum said that most people split up so its best to have a small wedding. but for me as her son...she wants a big glam Indian wedding. Is this right?
Is my sister right to feel hurt by all of this ..or is she oversensitive.. My other sisters don't even notice

Answer 1

Yes all your sisters should be upset. When you got these expensive presents did you consider giving them back to spare your sisters pain? Your parents might be sexist, but you can be a better person. Organise your own wedding, then no-one will be hurt. I think your other sisters will notice, they're probably just keeping quiet.

Answer 2

From what you say, your mum treats you all differently, with you receiving preferential treatment. This may be because you are the youngest, or maybe she prefers boys to girls. Whatever the reason, this is bound to create some resentment from your sister. After all, why should you receive presents and she shouldn't? Why should you get a big wedding and she shouldn't? There's no consistency and your sister is right to feel aggrieved.

She may well be a little sensitive, but this is probably because she is the eldest. She has seen her younger siblings come into the world and the affection from her mother disappear at the same time. If you tell her she is being over-sensitive, then you will alienate her even further and create greater resentment. Your other sisters may not notice, but that's not really the issue. Your mum should have a genuine reason for dealing out different treatment. Perhaps your eldest sister is wealthier and stronger than you and your mum feels she doesn't need the help and affection as much. I suggest you speak to your mum about it and clear the matter up.

When you are the favourite it's easy to see everyone else as just jealous. But they've reason to be jealous if you are getting unfairly preferential treatment. If you love your sister you'll speak to your mum and try to get the bottom of things. Maybe this will make your mum realise that she's being unfair, or make your sister realise why your mum is treating her differently.

Answer 3

I think your sister(s) have every right to be upset. You are clearly being being treated better than they are. I know it's not your fault so make sure that you don't feel guilty. I have been through similar things with my dad. For my 21st my dad said he was getting me a new mobile phone. However, he got me contract phone (which cost nothing) and I had to pay the bills each month, he didn't even pay the first month. The hall he got me for my birthday was free because he was running the club it was in. However, he gave me brother £1000 for his 21st and said that I had exactly the same! In the end my mum pointed out that he was treating us differently and he stopped. Aparantly he didn't realise.
Pehaps your parents don't realise that they are treating you all differently. But also, reading the fist couple of lines again, i see you are from a traditional Indian family. I don't know very much about your culture but is this the reason why you are being treated differently? I know some cultures still see women as 2nd class citizens so could this be reason you seem to have favour. Or could it be because you are the only boy? Whatever the reason, if it bothers you all you need to speak to your parents.
In regards to whether you sister(s) are right to feel hurt or upset, well of course they are. We all have the right to be hurt by anything, even if it was something silly. That is part of having these emotions.

Answer 4

Personally I would be pretty angry if my brother got the nice gifts, the big fancy wedding and inherited all my parent's property - I am suprised your other sisters aren't complaining too. Your mum is showing extreme favouritism towards her son. Now, culturally that might be the way things are done in your family and the women are expected to accept it, but it seems at least one sister is not. The unfairness in my culture lies the other way, in so far as the parents traditionally pay for a daughter's wedding, but not a son's - that would be down to the parents oh his fiance, but nowadays this doesnt' happen so much.

Instinctively I agree with your sister, I wouldn't stand for it, but then there was never a question of favouritism in my family and there is no longer cultural expectation that the son should inherit.

Perhaps you could talk to your mum and tell her she is being unfair and upsetting one of her children.

Answer 5

It seems a bit unfair to me, as a western mother of two adult children and an adult step daughter, I treat all three equally.

I would have thought that your sisters who have contributed to the paying of the mortgages are entitled to share in the proceeds of any property that your mother owns.

In terms of your sisters wedding, I think she is right to feel aggrieved at the prospect of a small wedding, this is her big day and I would not have thought that she would go into a marriage with the belief that they don't last anyway.

You don't make mention of your father, is he is no longer around? maybe this has some bearing on the way your mother is thinking.

You seem a sensitive young man and I think you will do what you think is right by your sisters when the time comes.

Good luck to you, family life is not easy and we all have to work at it.

Answer 6

I don't know very much about your culture regarding this. I have noticed that males are very much favoured over females. If I were one of your sisters, I'd feel very hurt that my sacrifices appear to go unnoticed. If this is the way your parents do thing (because this is the way your culture believes it should be done) then if I were you I would take your sisters aside and do something nice for them. Tell them YOU know that it appears to be unfair and possibly share it with them. No disrespect to your mum but if she has that many houses it could be shared with each of you equally. With regard to your wedding....if she insists its big, then insist on really nice outfits and maybe a day at a spa for each of your sisters.

Good luck as I know its not easy dealing with family!

Answer 7

I feel your sister. That isn't fair. I mean, if all 3 of your sister equally contributed to the mortgages, it should be split. Really, you are all family though so there shouldn't be any division between the 4 of you. Your parents are creating that by the way they are treating the 4 of you. Be compassionate toward the sister who is getting shafted and talk to your other 2 sisters about this and ask how they would feel if it were them. Maybe you can talk to your parents about the way they treat you 4 being that you seem ot be their favorite. Good luck!

Answer 8

Um... you're upset that she is going to be upset... Wouldn't you be upset if you were her? She paid for part of the house and won't inherit it. She doesn't get gifts. She seems to be the scapegoat of the entire family. Sounds like you're getting a free ride and expecting your sisters, who didn't get a free ride to the same degree, not to notice and to be happy for you. Sounds like a dysfunctional family. All of the children need to be more independant and less focused on money and inheritence. There is more to life than what you get, who gets more, who's doing the least to contribute, etc. Try loving your sister and looking out for her instead of quibbling over stuff that will happen when your parents (who seem to have a strangle hold on all of you) give you handouts.
Sounds like your parents are pretty smart people though, to keep everyone under control like that.

Answer 9

Yeah, I'd say it is a little unfair. I think the other sisters are just as upset, but, being older and wiser, they know it won't change anything to say something. They have been dealing with your mother's favortism longer.
It is very common for mothers of all races and religions to favor their sons. That doesn't make it right. If you were a fair minded individual, you would see that all your sisters get what they deserve, especially if they have practically paid for the houses you are now just being given.
Cheers.

Answer 10

Yes she's right to be upset. A bag of loose nuts? It does depend on how your sister treats your mother but it sounds to me like your mom is still a bit starstruck by having finally had a son after all the girls and treating your kids so differently is wrong.