I have 2 children and there mother is out of the picture?

Question

I have a 7yo and an 8 yo there mother never calls and visits maybe once every 8 months. this tears them up when she does see them I am at a loss as to what to do or say. if a don't let them see her it's not right and if I do it hurts them. i'm tired of being in a possition damned if i do damned if I don't

Answer 1

absolutley agree that honesty is the best policy here-especially at the age your children are...the older they get-the more they will see that you are there for them more than their mom is.

i know this might be a lost cause but it's worth a try-explain to their mother that it's causing more harm than good her showing up once every 8 months,out-of-the blue with no warning and tell her it might be best if she took a step back completely until she was ready to devote more time to being a mother and seeing her children on a regular basis. kids need structure and yours aren't fully getting it with mom bouncing in and out of the picture. it will ultimately be her decision on whether or not she wants to be a part their life.

sit your children down and explain to them that you love them very much and are trying your hardest to give them all they need. be honest-telling them that although you know their mom loves them, you can't force her to be there for them all the time and that you're sorry she isn't around more.

i wouldn't advise taking custody from her unless she's causing physical harm to your kids or the kids start to have severe emotional problems due to it (depression, problems interacting with friends/classmates, or difficulty focusing in school). there will come a time when the kids are old enough to decide that they really don't want mom around anymore since she doesn't want to be there as much as they feel she should be.

my children are 4,5, and 7. i am twice divorced and with my first divorce-the 5 and 7 year old's dad was hardly around as well-for 6 months he disappeared without a word-missing his youngest daughters first steps and first words. he came back wanting to be a part of their lives and i allowed on the condition that if he left again for that amount of time-he wouldn't be allowed back-he's been there every step of the way since then.

for now just be strong and confident in knowing that you are a wonderful father to your kids-not many men out there will take the initiative to be a single parent to their kids-you should hold you head up high for that one.

afterall, you're the one that provides the roof over their head,food in their bellies, and the warm bed they sleep in at night. you get them ready for school everyday, help them with their homework and are there when they need you. if the day comes that they decide it's more painful to have mom around than not at all-then together you can decide if that's the best decision to make.

Answer 2

coming from a mother who's children are going through the same thing I would like to tell you that you need to get angry and say enough is enough and file for sole custody of the children with no access. start documenting everytime she lets the children down in every way. take the journal to your lawyer. the children will learn to cope with out her because inconsistancy is extremely damaging to the children and one day they will realize that she was the one that messed up.

I have a 9 yo and a 7 yo and the 9 yo has disowned his father and the 7 yo wants nothing to do with him. the kids will know. Just be by their side and wipe their tears and reassure them that you will always be there for them when they need them and distract them from it all whenever you can,

I am in this process now i have a child protection agency standing by me on it
GOOD LUCK
HAVE FAITH
YOUR KIDWS WILL ONE DAY UNDERSTAND

Answer 3

Apparently the mother dosent care. It is going to be hard on your children. I dont know why any mother would basicly abandon their children. Just tell the kids the truth and leave it at that. You are not being a bad parent. She is. If you decide that the children would be better off not seeing her, you are the parent and need to explain it to the children, believe me they bounce back easier when you talk to them like little adults and be honest with them. You are there to protect them. Just do the best you can do and if you feel you are dont feel guilty about it.
Just show them extra love and attention and if they need to talk just be there to listen. In the long run you will recieve the respect of your children and unyeilding Love.

Answer 4

Don't pushed their mother out of their lives, like you said you will be damned if you do. As your kids grow-up it will be up to them to make the decision if whether or not they wish to continue their relationship with their mother. As hard as it may be everytime she sees them, remember its best for the long-run. Is there anyway that you can get their mother to visit more often? Good Luck

Answer 5

I'm in your boat. My oldest son is usually mad at his step father and I when we let his father come around. And it hurts to see my children be treated with indifference by their father. Remember that no matter what you are a good parent. You are enough for your children. You are all they need. And believe it or not your children are old enough to decide if they want to see there mother or not. Just ask them. Whatever they say explain it to their mother. If the mother doesn't comply have it settled in family court. Good luck. If you ever need anymore help email [e-mail].

Answer 6

Props to you for going at this alone!

First, don't just let her waltz in whenever she likes, make her 'plan' a visit to give your kids time to prepare their feelings about her coming. Never make them see her but encourage them too. It's healthy to know her but sadly they probably won't look back on her with fond feelings. Also, talk to their school counsler about the situation so their school and teachers can be on the look out for 'odd behavior' that might be a sign of acting out or stress because of the situation.

Just remain honest with them and let them know they can be with you. They are old enough to know if they want to see her or not but let them know your are there for them reguardless of their decision. Even if they want you there while they visit with her. Make them safe and secure is your first priority, not her feelings!

Answer 7

Hang in there! Keep doing the best you can, picking up the pieces after the kids' mom's visits and being as diplomatic as possible when they ask about her. Eventually they will be old enough to decide for themselves what contact they want to have with their mother, and you'll be left with a clean concience.

Answer 8

this will effect them...when they are older they might chose to avoid her and that sounds like the best hope that will come... my cousins have a similar situation

when the mother does visit try doing something with her that threre is little interaction...like see a movie, go to a theme park, go to the beach where the kids will be in the water

best hope for the future

Answer 9

I agree fully with Steph_K don't ever lie to them & they will see the truth when they get older. For now, let them see her. When you feel that they are mature enough to make their own decisions ask them what they think about the situation & ask they what they want to do. Talk to them even now, they know you love them & only want whats best for them, kids at that age can read feelings.

Answer 10

let them see her but when they ask why she never calls or visits then be truthful and say something like "I don't know why but I do know that I am here for you and she is missing out on knowing two lovely children." yeah it hurts them but you must continue to show that you love and cherish them...you can't control her actions and it is too bad for them and for you that she acts like this