MY 19 yr old daughter is making terrible decisions but doesn't want advice from me?

Question

She has amassed lots of overdraft charges, but just changes banks instead of settling up with her current bank. She has broken 2 apartment leases. Her boyfriend (who I am not supposed to know that she is living with) is discouraging her from returning to college. I don't know what to do. She has always thrived on drama, and believes that we had a big fight, though I just told her to grow up and start taking responsibility for herself. I know I should just let her go and live life, but I am afraid she is still too immature, not based in reality, and is going to end up in jail or pregnant.

She also really takes advantage of my generosity ( which is ending), I have tried to be supportive when she is in a financial jam and let her move back home. Honestly, it is so much nicer at home when she is not there. She acts like she hates our home most of the time. She is driving me crazy!

Answer 1

as a 19 year old i can answer your question easily because i have been in your daughters situation. she just feels like she doesnt have enough independance and enough control in her life. for the overdraft charges, she probably goes negative because she feels like she needs to buy everything. you need to teach her that fine let her do watever she wants but when she needs to come running home to mommy you need to show her that you wont be there. so either tell her that you will be there for her and she should be responsible. or let her do whwatever she wants but then tell her not to come running back to you. because until you show her that you are serious she will keep on taking advantage of you. believe me.

Answer 2

I am going thru the same kind of things with my daughter who is 18. I just decided to let my daughter make her own mistakes. After all, thats how she will learn.
My home is finally quiet and I can sleep here at nite because I am not worried about where she is and what time she will get home and what kind of trouble she is in now. Its like the drama is over.
My daughter has no job, no car, no money, no phone, no nothing and she left me a note that says "im happy now"
Last week I caved in and bought her some groceries because she has lost about 6 or 7 lbs. She told me she was hungry and didn't have any thing to eat. I wonder what she will do when she runs out again. Her boyfriend who she shacked up with makes $7.50 an hour and part of that goes for child support. He is still married. He is a pathological liar, but I guess she will learn. Hopefully a pregnancy doesn't come out of this because she refuses to get on birth control and her insurance thru my employer runs out in August because she declined to enroll in college.
I know this is a learning experience for her. I cant stop her ignorance but I get peace in knowing I am not responsible for her financially anymore.
Heard the same story, My daughter thinks I am trying to control her and I am such a *****. She accuses me of being abusive. She needed to get out and get on down the road. Tne next couple years should be interesting.

Answer 3

In this situation, if she hasn't learned how to make proper decision by the age of 19 then nothing at the moment will suddenly change that. You should definately quit providing her with financial aid since that will put a pinch on her. Maybe that will help her think clearly. Additionally, you should still be there for her when she needs to talk to you or ask for advice (if it ever happens), but if she hasn't learned by now then life will teach her the hard way. The best thing you can do is provide guidance for her but as far as telling her what to do will not work.

Answer 4

Find a good therapist and go yourself. Your daughter might have undiagnosed (or diagnosed) mental illness, or a personality disorder. Having a neutral party to talk to about her and to help you try to understand her will give you strength. Living with people who have significant problems is extremely difficult. You need someone to talk to who has no stake in this. I'm serious. Do it.

Nothing can be harder than sitting by watching your child mess up her life. But, it could be that the sooner things get really bad (and God forbid, but this could mean a pregnancy or jail) the sooner she'll decide she needs to fix her own life. Most importantly, however, you have to learn to live with yourself and with hard decisions regardless of what she is doing with her life. Not an easy thing. Get help.

Answer 5

I wasn't that bad but I wasn't the best. My advice is stop giving her advice. She'll probably want it later but also probably won't listen to a thing right now. When I was in my "rebellious stage" everything my mom said annoyed me and made me want to do the opposite. Sooner or later she'll get her wake up call and things should smooth out between you guys. Hopefully sooner. I had problems with my mom for a while before I moved out but now that I have two kids I definately appreciate her more. I hope your daughter realizes what a good mother she has soon so you two can have a good relationship like me and my mom. Good luck!

Answer 6

First thing to do is cut her off financially. if she doesn't want your advice then she can't have your money either. Simple as that. Tell her that if she comes looking for you to bail her out of a problem. If she wants to stay/go back to college and get good grades then you will maybe give her money again, but until then give her nothing. When she tells you about all her problems just say "oh that is terrible. Sorry to hear that." And nothing more. Dont give her advice or offer to bail her out.
In addition maybe you have a sister/ other relative that you could go to and convince them to talk to your daughter. Maybe she will take other relatives' advice.

Answer 7

Honestly, you must detatch yourself and have her deal with this on her own. I know it's hard because she is your daughter, but she is also an adult. I think that the best thing you can do is be there to emotionally support her, but let her be in terms of finances, as they are no longer your problem.

And on that last bit, I know how that is, considering that I act that way towards my family sometimes. (I am 20.) I think she's afraid to break her shell and admit that she may still need you around, so she keeps acting tough. I know that's my reasoning for acting that way. Just try to ignore it as best as you can, and keep in mind that it's only an act.

Answer 8

Unfortunately, the only way that your daughter will gain maturity will be to live her life and make mistakes. She will soon learn that a life full of drama isn't such a nice life. It sounds like she's quite strong-willed. If you do let her move back home, I would expect her to pay for her keep - especially if she's not returning to college.

Answer 9

its OK. hopefully she will realize how much she should have listened to her mother when something bad really happens. i had a boyfriend that owned his own home but would do the same thing. he would get tons of credit cards and even use his dads social security number to get more cards. he is around 38 now and lives with his parents now because he had to claim bankruptcy cuz he couldnt pay the bills off. you need to make sure she doesn't do the same to you if you think she needs money bad

Answer 10

Oh dear I have all of this to look forward to?? My daughter is only 2, so lucky me I still have a few more years of her listening to me.

I know it sounds harsh but you are going to have to just ignore her when she seeks attention. Don't give her any more money and you will find sooner or later she will miss how good she had it at home. Don't turn your back on her completely still talk to her and make sure she is ok but don't give in to her hissy fits and childish behavior. Be strong and good luck :)