How can I tell my mother...?

Question

...she needs diapers? (DEPENDS) She has Alzheimer's, but she is in total denial. My father is living, in mentally perfect condition, and taking good care of her. But I feel like someone needs to tell her before she ruins every piece of furniture left in their house! Not to mention the horrible odor she carries with her. I need to tell you when she was normal, she was very clean. Now, she showers once a week (not often enough), and wears the same clothes for a week. (Showers and changes on Sunday for church.) I'm disgusted, but I DO understand. I don't want to hurt her, but... Please no sarcasm. This is a serious issue, and I will just ignore sarcastic statements.

I do not live in the same state as my parents. I need to return next week (to get back to teaching). It is more complicated than I can explain, but I had to put things simply. My dad loves my mom very much, but he has a bad heart and cannot stress himself much. He's holding off on nursing care for various reasons, but it's coming. And I know it gets worse. Thanks to all.

Answer 1

First off, I am sorry that you have to experiance the downward trending of a dementia patient, and my heart goes out to you.

Let's try the clothing issue first. Usually I suggest to the family of patients that they buy their family member a really nice pair of pajamas. If the patient insists on wearing the same clothes every day, that's fine... but if you can get them in to a routine to change in to the special pajamas you will have a chance to wash the other set of clothes. If she does have a particular set to wear, try to buy an extra set of identical clothes and replace them once you have her change in to them.
Usually if she still understands that you are her daughter, and her husband is her husband... then she at a base level won't want to hurt YOUR feelings about accepting a beautiful present such as a nightgown.

Now Depends.. Tricky situation.. I agree. However there are some support panties that are available that don't look like diapers necessarily... You could try these first.
Or perhaps a pantiliner and have a constant supply.

Perhaps on the showering situation, you could do the same thing as the nightgown. Get her some really nice soaps and explain that they really smell good on her. Treat her feelings as you are as fragile as they may be, but usually some form of base logic will work if they are still able to function at a basic level.

I don't know what medications she is on... but I'm hoping that some sort of Alzheimer stablilization medication is onboard. ... Also if she is having urinary incontinence, talk to her primary care physician.

There are classes to help, as well as support groups. I encourage you to look for them and participate in them. Those families truely have the best ideas on how to handle their loved ones.

Good Luck

Answer 2

First you need to talk to your father about showers more often. You could try the pull ups for adults since these are put on like underwear she may not resist. It isn't good to let her ruin the furniture. I have worked with lots of Alzheimers patients and if you are firm but loving you may be able to get her to understand that she needs to shower more often. She should be incouraged to change clothes daily. This is a dignity issue for her and your father should take the dirty clothes at night and lay out clean ones with Alzheimers she may not realize that the clothes she puts on aren't the same ones she took off. There are little tricks as remember the short term memory is gone. If you need any other help you can contact me through this site.

Answer 3

On the serious tip. You should consider getting a Home health Aide for your mother. Although your dad is in good mental health taking care of someone with this mental condition can be very cumbersome. I use to take care of an elderly lady whose health declined over a period of a year and a had a man I took care of who had Alzheimer's. You have to talk to he and explain the situation to her, she will not understand and will give you a ton of resistance. After you tell her you sort of have to just do, when a person is in this state they slowly revert back to childhood ways all the way down to infancy so you sort of have to reverse rolls with her, you be the mom and let her be the child. An aide is really what you and your dad will need, an aide can help her get bathed more than once per week. Where do you live? I live in Pittsburgh if you need help finding an agency in Pittsburgh I can help you.God bless you and I wish you the best as you continue to care for your mom

Answer 4

And where is your father during all of this? If he was taking "good" care of her, he'd already have her in diapers. If her incontinence is a byproduct of Alzheimer's, she's already so far gone that she should have a home aide as well as diapers. If she is still communicating coherently with you, tell her what's going on and that she needs the diapers to keep the house clean.
Alzheimer's is a very tough and unpredictable affliction. Do some more searching along the credible sources such as clinics that specialize in Alzheimer's and other BBs. Good luck.

Answer 5

Take her to the doctor and let him/her explain what is happening with her, then just go to the store and purchase what she needs. If your father is taking good care of her like you said then he will help her in "cleaning up". With time, love and understanding you all will get through this. But remember is she is going through Alzheimer's don't expect too much from her. Your father & possibly you will have too take on the responsiblity of her bathing and changing. She is your mother and she changed you when you were young and couldn't now she is old and can't. Give her a hug and kiss, tell her you love her!

Answer 6

The disease doesn't work like that. If she is independant enough to dress herself, you need to toilet her like any child would need to be. Be creative. If she wants something then tell her she has to toilet first.
Stand over her and watch her put a serenity or depends napkin on her under clothes.

You have to remove the clothing when she isn't around and get it in the washer immediately so if she wants to wear it, she can. It's clean.

She needs to be on Aricept or Namenda, or an alzheimer medication. If she has bladder leaks, she needs medicated for this and it may stop your problem.

Dad needs to team up with you. Don't hurt his feelings. There's also assisted living if it gets severe enough she wanders out of the house.

Answer 7

Your mother needs nursing care to come in daily, I'm sorry to tell you this but what you described is elderly neglect and abuse. I know you love your mom and dad very much but they are crying out for help. There are hospice programs that will do this daily, wait I know no one wants to go on hospice because it means you have less than 6 mths to live,but this is not true. My mother was on hospice for 2 years, all it means is they are reevaluated every 6 mths and as long as its the same or worse they continue to get help. Ask her doctor about hospice, it is paid for by the government and everybody has the rite to it. I am a nurse and I know your parent need help, next she may start losing weight or leave the house and not know how to get back. And make sure you check out the people who come to their house thoroughly.

Answer 8

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if your father is letting your mother live this way he is not taking good care of her. Has she been diagnosed with alzheimers? If not she needs to be taken to a doctor to find out what is truely going on. After that she needs to have someone with her to care for her. She obviouly is past the point where she can care for herself. If it is alzheimers she might not remember to change and shower herself or when the last time she did. You need to dicuss these issues with you father.......not your mother. Then he or both of you need to let her know how things are going to be handled and if you feel the need to why they need to be that way. Also a small sugestion but she seems to be conserned about hygine when leaving the house .....alteast on sundays?? Maybe if you offer to take her to lunch, shopping, anything but insist that she "get ready" to go and offer to help if she needs it. Maybe just getting out off and on might help her care a bit more about her appearance.

Answer 9

Well, you know she is only going to get worse. Sorry to say it, but it is a fact. Just replace her underwear with depends in her drawer. Someone needs to make sure she changes herself, though. And also that she takes a shower more. Maybe you should look into a home-health care worker.

Answer 10

If she can't take care of herself without someone else helping she needs to start going to a doctor more regulary. If you think she is to deteriorated to understand that she needs the depends then you need to start talking to her doctor about quality of life. But if your father is willing and healthy enough to take on the extra work, just discuss the matter with him and leave it at that. When he himself can't take care of her then you can control the issue yourself. And decide together on her lucid days whats best for her. If your not willing to help her yourself.. then your not going to get much say in the issue.