i'm afraid that I don't love my mom?

Question

I'm in my 40's with a very happy marriage. I grew up from domestic violence family. My dad never physically abuse me but he beat up my mom a lot. I used to feel sorry for my mom. I used to have suicide thoughts...Still kind of...from time to time. My dad eventually killed himself. Both my parents were in Jail before. I had extremely tough time to figure out that I shall not be ashamed of my upbringing. My husband love me and support me dearly. He never puts me down with my family background. I have two graduate degrees and successful career. I know I shall know better. I know that I could go to hell with my feelings towards my mom. I sometimes wondered if she played the victim game. I wondered if my dad is victim from my mom. I don't hate my parents. I just wish my mom could forget about me or pretend that I was never born. Perhaps hell will reserve a place for a person like me. But I can't help my feelings about my mom...I can't love her

Answer 1

There's book with a study guide called "Love is a Choice". It addresses the issues like you've gone through. It's written by the people who run the Minirth - Meir Clinic. I did a study with it years ago and some parts of working through things can be painful I found it really helped. Some churches do this study and it's really good. I think when you get to your 40's you seem to start thinking of your roots a lot maybe because you've got more time on your hands or you're realizing your own mortality. Forgive your mom and believe she did her best with knowlegde she had.

Answer 2

It is a tough situation, but you cannot do too much. All you can do is to avoid meeting and talking to her. You can do it i two ways: one is to talk to her and explain to her your feelings, and tow - just ignore like you live on an island and there no phones and there is no way for you to get in touch with her.
I would prefer first choice, at least she gave you birth and you should appreciate it a lot.
If you are a mother, you should understand what I am talking about.
If you have a happy family, just concentrate on it and make yourself more occupied so you suicidal thoughts will go away.
It is hard to give you adequate advise. In this situation you migh neet to talk to the doctor. Your situation might be much more complicated then you have described in the short description. But I hope my note will help you at least a little bit. Good luck!

Answer 3

thats a little harsh...but stop worrying about going to hell or not its ur feelings u can't help that so do one favor for ur self and stop wanting decions basted on hell and heven,and another one by saying i just don't have any feelings toward my mother.theres nothing wrong with that by the way u were raised u can't help it jus tdon't not love her because of all the bad things she did at least have a good reason for it..don't not love her because of how u were raised not love her ...for....who she is,everyone makes mistakes but mothers..they get all the chances to make them up because the bond between a mother a daughter is special so there must be a good reason for this,but whatever it is it jus thappened and its not ur fault.even tho u don't love ur mother don't not be in her life then u said u diden't hate her?

Answer 4

my heart goes out to you and your mother. it is so hard to communicate feelings with each other about how you feel you lived through the situation and must also be hard for your mother. there may be remorse, shame, fear, hate and zillions more emotions that you must both be carrying around still. find a safe zone(coffee shop)make plans to have a 20 min. conversation with each other about past to explore what was going on with each other and learn how the past still effects both of you to this day, and always will of course.make promise to each other to keep meetings short, knowing in advance that topics may become volatile emotionally and if that gets out of hand the whole healing process will take longer, as neither of you really wants to go through life with no resolve and absent from each others lives completely. it doesn't have to be a story book ending, just an ending where you can accept each other for who they are, and who they are to you.best wishes

Answer 5

If you are christian, you are to 'honor' thy mother and father. You are not required to have unconditional love towards them. (That is a goal) This may sound harsh, but parents are not gods. I am a parent and have had my mother turn against me and expose that she has been lying for over 15 years about my father who died recently. (She always played victim and stretched the truth) I cannot love her for the acts she has done to me and my family recently, but I can honor her for the good things she did do for me growing up (however small). Someday, I may forgive her, but time will tell. Hell does not have reservations for kids who had crappy parents. It's full enough of real evil.

Answer 6

I grew up just like you. I hated my mom and for a long time. I honestly did. I ended up forgiving my mother because I realized If I didn't than no one would. Everyone makes mistakes in life. Some of us make them our whole lives, and screw up the people's lives around us. To this day my mother apologizes for everything she put us kids through. I know she truly regrets it deep down in her heart. My brothers and sister still hate her, and have nothing to do with her, but some how I've found it in my heart to forgive her. It's not as easy for some than it is for others, and it wasn't easy for me. But some how I did and I'm so glad. Bitterness will rot your soul. I'm not religious, but I do have a heart.

Answer 7

I wonder about mine too. But you have to figure out if the only reason you don't care for your mother is because you think she led to your fathers demise. You shouldn't feel like you're going to hell because of the disgust you have for her. You truly don't owe her anything. However, you should talk to your mother about the way you feel before you let her go. It will give you some sort of resolution, and you're going to want that before she dies.

Answer 8

Yup you feel guilty that you couldn't defend her. You're misplacing your anger. You should forgive yourself. You were in a situation that you simply could not control. Neither was she. Talk to your mom more. The pain will go away once things are brought to light. Won't be overnight, you gotta work at it.

Answer 9

A good friend of mine used to have similar feelings toward her mom. Once she went through counselling and got support in 12-Step groups such as Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous, she started feeling better about herself--and that helped her to get over her bad feelings toward her mother.

Answer 10

have you ever thought those beating may have been for you and she interceed you need to find out what was really going on but honey no one deserve to beat him are her no one has that right . and before you write her off that is the woman who gave birt to your ungrateful *** and the nerve to say you dont love her. we reap what we sew in years to come if you have a daughter and she turn on you see how that effect you and as far as that man loving you i hope that will be enough for you on judgement day be cause hell will be where you will be headed . my mother is 80 and i didnt get raise with the finest things in life but i love her so much the thought of one day not having her around scares me and if any man agreed with me if i said i didnt love my mother who bought me in the world clothe me feed me put a roof over my head he needs to question your love for him you are a sick woman seek help please