My mother and I? Thoughts?

Question

I love my mother very much. However, we have never had a good relationship. We lived with many people in our home as I was growing up, I often “went to mommy” when I was young and she way always too busy. So my grandmother essentially raised me till I was 15 (when she died). At that time my mom decides to show up in my life. I resisted the “half-done efforts” and it really has never been a good relationship. I do not despise her, but I know she has never really been there emotionally, financially etc. (so I do not go to her). My mom has a way of telling you what to do and it her way or the highway. I am 26 years old now, been living on my own for quite some time I do not ask my mom for much, other than respect.

She wants to “fix” things between us, which I am open to. However I am not ready because I agree that we all need to come to a place in our hearts where we can have several conversations and regarding several topics. I still feel that EVERYONE (including myself) is so

Answer 1

I'm sure that your mother feels guilt about the kind of lives you and she led when you were a child. Something may have happened to her in earlier years that makes showing her emotions difficult. Financially, a lot of us aren't cutting it.

I'm glad that she does want to fix things between you - and it will be hard - particularly since she didn't really come into your life until you were 15. You and she will hopefully be able to discuss your problems openly, as adults.

I hope it all works out - we only get one real mom in life.

Answer 2

From your own words I would guess that you and your mother want the same thing. The difference here is your mother wants a quick fix and you want to gradually build a relationship that is lasting and good.

You went through the hurt and confusion of being abandoned by your mother. I can understand why you are hesitant. I would not want to extend my neck to the hangman either. You need to be sure that a true viable mother/daughter relationship can be established after all these vacant years.

I think you are very wise to move slowly. Sadly to say your mother's history says nothing for her as far as stability and honesty goes. But could she really be sincere. Well if she sticks around and is willing to talk things over with you and take baby steps toward building a relationship that you both can live with now, that would be the telling factor. She at this point, no matter how stubborn and set in her ways she is, should be willing to do whatever is necessary to prove to you that she is sincere in wanting to have a mother/daughter relationship with you.

If it boils down to her way or the highway, then I would say you would never be able to have the relationship that you want, so the highway might not be a bad way to go. Opinionated, closed minded, selfish people don't work well with others.

I'm not saying don't try, I'm just saying she had it her way now it's time to do it your way. Your way sounds like the most sensible as she is your mother in name only and you and she need a chance to get to know each other. Who knows you may find that you really at this point in your life, don't need a true mother/daughter relationship with her. The more you get to know her and her ideas about life the more your may find that you don't really like being around her. Ya never know.

There is no super glue to mend a broken heart. You've already suffered that once and found a way to live with it, and I don't blame you for wanting to be careful the second time around. Remember, you don't have anything to prove to her, but it seems if she has a whole lot to prove to you.

My heart goes with you as I know what it's like not to have a good relationship with your mother. The fact that you say you love her says a lot for your character and I feel that you will not be judgemental in your approach to this situation. Blessings to the both of you.

Answer 3

Just a point of reference. I am the youngest of 3 children (older brother, sister was middle child). Was born in Ohio, moved with parents to Virginia while I was still 6, but brother (who had gone to college and was working) and sister (graduated from high school) stayed in Ohio.

In later years, after spending time with her daughter and son-in-law, whether it be visits here in Virginia or traveling with them, my mother would always complain about being forced to do things she didn't particularly want to do. After mom's death in 1999, my sister told me about always feeling belittled by mother. I do remember a time when mom didn't approve of the way my sister was raising her children and said she would ask the children if they wanted to come with her to Virginia, although she never did.

With this anecdotal evidence and other things I've heard, I feel that mother-daughter relationships are just a little strained.

BUT, and this is the most important part, don't shut her out. Remember, she won't be around forever. I doubt if you would want guilt for not letting her know you love her for, at the very least, having you as a child. As you can tell from the earlier info, I was a little surprise, but at the time (mid-50's) abortion wasn't often considered. Even though, realistically you can't "fix" the relationship, having these conversations of which you refer to clear the air you be a great first step.

Answer 4

It sounds like you know exactly what you want and need. You need to come to a place within yourself where you are ready to talk things out with her, and then to forgive her. I am from a very large family, and had a lot of the same problems. She wasn't available emotionally because she was too busy taking care of my little sisters. I had a lot of resentments for a long time. Now I have my own child, and I can understand that she did what she thought was best at the time. Parents aren't perfect, but as kids they're our "superheroes". It's hard to grow up and watch them fall off that pedestal we placed them on when we were little. Good luck to you and your mom. I hope you are able to work things out. I'm very glad that my mother and I did.

Answer 5

This is so like myself and my mother I am 38 years old with my own everything so I don't depend on her for anything. I LOVE MY MOTHER VERY MUCH, but sometimes I can't stand her. I lived with my grandmother for a while. My mother was a single mother of six myself being the oldest, I took a lot of mental abuse from my mother but I had to be strong she worked all th etime and she was tired therefore she had to have someone to yell at. Let me tell you how I handle my Mother. Space, If she need me I am there for her she knows this, but I can't be around her to long because she will say something to hurt me, love your mother from a distance. She lives on the next road and I may see or hear from her once a week when she need me. Iam content with that Good Luck!!!

Answer 6

I would take it slowly, maybe lunch a few phone calls. How about writing her a letter telling her how you feel, its easier that way...Plus you dont forget to tell her something. You writing everything down gets it out of your head, then you put the ball in her court and see how she responds. Dont let her try to control your life now, if there is no way for you two to get together as mother and daughter dont let that get to you, she wasent there during those times you really needed her to be mom. You may never have that type of relationship you or her would like, but you may just be able to be friends.

Answer 7

Wow! Sounds kind of like my story. I think you should really try and fix things with your mom, because the day you lose her, you will regret it.. Since you had a past relationship with her when you were younger, I really think it will affect you the day you lose her, so why not take advantage while you still have her? However, I would be careful how much you trust her, and not to depend on her too much.

Answer 8

I am 27 and me and my mother have a strange relationship...my mom works on guilt...she can guilt you into anything and when she knows she does she likes to say "do you have a guilty conscience" well hell yeah I do and you made it that way...I have to say the older I get the better our relationship is because I am not around her as much as I was when I was younger.

For you own health sometimes you have to distance yourself for difficult people, even if they are your parents...Just because she is your mother does not mean you have to take anything less the total respect (as long as that is what you give in return)

Answer 9

I know it's hard but maybe she is real and want to fix things......besides you don't know what's going on with her and what if something happen to her, you will regret it for the rest of your life if you did not take this opportunity. I say go ahead and give her the chance......what more can she do to you.......she already did the worst thing by not being a real mother. So it can only get better, right?

Answer 10

The same type of thing is going on with my wife. I hate that she doesn't get along with her mom becuase we just had a daughter and I want her to know her grandmother, but that aside I say get it in your heart to forgive. It sounds easy, but I know its not but really the most important thing is to start to let her in little stuff go out for a manicure or even to the grocery store together. Anyways good luck I hope it works out for you.