how to be more independent?

Question

I seem to be completely dependent on my fiance in order to be happy. I'm not financially dependent, just emotionally. I need to know how I can break this and learn to be happy on my own. When things are good for us I feel great but when they are bad i get depressed because I need him to be happy. Any help here?

Answer 1

What you are experiencing sounds not like you need him to be happy, but that you are in a relationship with extreme highs and extreme lows. No one can be happy in their day to day life if their primary relationship is bad.

Having said that, I can tell you the single most effective (and easiest) thing I can do in situations like this is to sit quietly and imagine myself really vividly and see myself happy and calm. The more often and the more vividly you can do it, the more effective it will be.

You can also imagine him happy and you happy together if you want - but I would say that in my youth I often mistook drama for passion. Extreme highs and lows can seem like great fun and manageable, but it gets old after a while and it is very hard to maintain balance in your life - which seems to be the single thing most strived for in this existence, balance.

As we go down this road, many of us realize that we need someone in the long term that we can agree with and disagree with, without the whole thing blowing up in our faces if we want something lasting and valuable. So enjoy it while you can, but prepare to walk if it gets to be too much. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

Peace!

Answer 2

There is a difference between being caring and being co-dependent. If you are always trying to "fix his problems," it's time to start looking at your own. Addictive personalities cannot be saved by the love of a good woman; they need rehabilitation programs, not understanding and chicken soup. E-N-A-B-L-I-N-G is the wrong way to spell love. A relationship with a man should enrich your life, not define it. Focus totally on yourself that's when you can strengthen your friendships. Make the time to appreciate and enjoy friends, both new and old, and those things you can do with them. Make plans with friends--beaches, concerts, movies, picnics. Lose yourself. Take a walk in the woods, a bike ride, or go to a retreat. It's your choice and your schedule. Find your hidden talents. Did you ever want to paint? Do it now. Did you ever dream of learning how to play the piano? Why not now. Develop new interests. French? Italian? Sanskrit? Skiing? Body surfing? Sailing? Photography? Travel?

Answer 3

First of all, you sound young. (and should not have a fiance)

Second of all, if you want him to be happy then YOU need to be happy with yourself. You can only change who you are, and you can never change anyone else. Sad but true.

Third of all, Have you ever lived on your own? Have you ever not been with someone? Until you discover that you can live life by yourself, nothing you do or say will make you happy.

You NEED food , water, blah blah blah. But not a sidekick that your unsure about.

You will know when the time is right and if the guy is the right one also. Don't rush it. You have your whole life ahead of you.

YOU NEED YOU TO BE HAPPY.

Answer 4

I know what you mean- it's hard because once you really love the person, you are naturally emotionally dependant on him. However, you need to have a life of your own as well.

-Have a couple of girlfriends that you go out with regularly- once every two weeks or so.

-Join a gym or club

This way you can have an area for stress relieve when things are not well with you guys and when things are well, you can still enjoy the innocent company of others.

Answer 5

What happened to your friends? Do you have any hobbies? You need to make an effort - and it will be hard at first - to get out and enjoy either friends, or the outdoors, or something. Join a recreational club. Do something - I seriously believe that people in relationships need to have interests and things to do that don't have anything to do with their significant other. If you spend 24-7 with any ONE person, you are going to go crazy. There is nothing wrong with being loving, but don't be co-dependent. Sometimes alone time is fun.

Answer 6

start to induldge in what you like to do..im sure there was a u before there were the two of you..make some friends and spend some time with them..go to the movies or take a class at a community college like cooking or art..go shopping...you should never rely on someone for your happiness.....you make your own and being in a relationshp with a emothionally needy person gets tiresome and can cause problems...in a relationship you both need to share the emotional load.....it will help you grow as a couple

Answer 7

You have to check to see if it's a manipulation tactic because if it is, he's not really unhappy, he's just wanting you to feel that he's not, therefore making you unhappy.

There is a book called "who pulling your strings" by Dr. Harriet B. Braiker, M.D.

In this book, she give 5 examples of how people manipulate others. One example is how people start giving you the cold shoulder effect with one-worded answers, etc., to get others to yield to their own wants.

Not sure if your fiance is being "sad" to get you to do things, or what not, but if you just read this book, it will surely help you identify if he is and you will be able to control your feelings better.

Good Luck.

Answer 8

trust me honey I felt the same way in the beginning of my marriage but soon after my husband took advantage of me, then one day I woke up and smelt the roses, then I just became alot stronger as a women , mother & wife, now when you are ready to wake up it will hit you like a ton of bricks , you will snap out of this and you will be much stronger just be ready then you will think of me , good luck honey be strong & god bless.......

Answer 9

Go back to school. and take some self esteem class

Answer 10

i became independent a couple of months ago and my boyfriend hates it he has always taken care of me now it is all for myself