What should I do about my mother???

Question

We recently haven't been getting along very well because she has an empty house and won't let me move into it to get my bills paid off even though my brother lived at home until he was 25 and my sister moved in and out of home until she was about 24 (I'll be 23 next week) I only wanted to stay there for a little while, and I'd pay rent, I just didn't want to have to buy a house and then turn around and sell it when my fiance and I build a house - - - Anyways, I thought we could get over that and go look for wedding dresses together for my upcoming wedding. She won't pick up the phone when I call and she won't return my emails (she checks her email every day). I don't know what to do...what should I do in this situation??? I'm still mad about the house thing, but I figure there's nothing I can do so we could go look for wedding dresses together... She's given my brother and sister $500 each for their weddings (I'm the youngest), so I just thought she could pay for/help pay for my dress.

Sorry it's so long...

She loves my fiance as her own son and she's not hurting for money.

It's not wrong for me to want what my brother and sister got - it's called being fair.

I just want to note that I wouldn't be living with her in that house - she has two houses, that one is empty - I was willing to pay her rent and do the upkeep of the house.

Answer 1

You probably don't want to hear this but you can't do anything. Sounds like if you called her and emailed her, the ball is in her court. If your last conversation was heated and some things were said that you wished you hadn't said, then email her or leave her a message apologizing. That is ONLY if you regret them. Do not apologize for what your true feelings are. You are almost 23 and are entitled to your own feelings and opinions. Sounds like you feel like mom chooses your brother and sister before you, maybe she does or doesn't but you are still entitled to feel badly about her decison.....

Answer 2

Hmmm...somethings missing in this story. Does your mom like your fiance'? Did she give you a reason about not letting you move back into the house? If you have unresolved issues with her, she's not going to feel like spending money on you. It isn't about how old you are, it's what your mom feels is best for you. Sometimes parents have to stick with what they believe is right -- even if doesn't seem fair to the kids. This is what I would want to know if I was the mom: 1] is my child working full time? 2] does she pay her bills on time? 3] did he/she pay me back the last time I loaned money without me having to ask for each payment? Every kid is different in a household - some are more responsible with money than others. If your fiance and you can afford to build a new house, and are mature enough to be ready for the responsibilities of marriage, then you can rent a small apartment together and save up for the house you are going to build. Remember, this is your life, and your mom's life, property, and money is NOT YOURS -- she has a life too. If she is alone, she has to plan for her retirement years and be extremely careful of her spending because she only has herself to count on. Not to be harsh, but just because she owns an empty house, it doesn't mean she has to rent it out to you. Being a responsible grown up means making your own way in life without help from your parents. Having to keep clost track of your finances will build character and help you become a wise spender - and one who is less likely to be taken in by garbage ads for stuff you don't need. Good luck!

Answer 3

I think honestly the only way to deal with a problem when it comes to family is to deal with it HEAD ON!
If your mother isn't answering the phone or responding to repeated emails then I would suggest (And NO I wouldn't normally suggest confrontation but this seem's to warrant it)
Get a hold of your brother or sister make sure they are on the same page as you and go to your mother's one day when she's not busy. INLIST your sibling to make sure she's NOT busy get them to call her or something.
Then show up. Maybe bring coffee or muffins or something you dont' want your mother to feel like your attacking her even though it might turn into an attack the sweet's might soften the mood.
NOW the reason your bringing a sibling isnt' to get them on your SIDE you need a buffer. Someone to make sure there is NO yelling or course words said to one another. Get your sibling involved to the point of being a "Moderator"
First your gonna need to sincerely and with all of your heart ask your mother "What was the problem with me living with you for a few months?" Don't be accusatory be open to her answer, remembering it might not be ONE your interested in hearing so be prepared for the worst.
It could just be that your mother is relishing her time alone. She's taken care of 3 wonderful children and now she feel's NOT GREEDILY or SELFISHLY but she feel's this is NOW her time to shine. To have a moment of peace to herself.
Your the youngest or at least that's what I get from your question. A mother's love for the youngest is usually pretty strong. She want's to make sure you dont' get hurt but on the same ground she want's to make sure you can stand on your own two feet.
Try using feeling's when your talking IE
"Mom you know it really hurt me when you said NO when I asked to move in"
I hope all of this help's...Follow your heart though and Congradulations on the marriage. Good luck.
Samantha Lauzon

Answer 4

I had a similar sit uation with my dad. I am the youngest of 5 and he always helps them in ANYthing. He is also very well off. He has never done much for me and when I got married last year and assumed he would help he kept putting me off. At the last min he offered to pay for my hunnymoon as long as we went to CA where he lives. I was upset he didnt help with the wedding because it could have been bigger and a lot nicer and since he is having his own wedding this year which will be like a celebrity wedding but it turned out great without his money anyway. My Dad means well in a weird way. He has a lot of "tuff love" for me. I think that he sees me as the stronger one of my sisters and he wants to push me to use that strength. I don´t like what he does a lot of the time but I really like to be able to say that I did it all without him. Maybe thats what your mom is doing and if not you don´t need her to make you day beautiful.

Answer 5

It sounds like the harder you try the more you are ignored. I would try to go to her house with a little something (her favorite cookies, flowers, bottle of wine, take out dinner) to give her when she is home. Then would be the time to try to figure out what has her so upset with you. Be ready though she may blast you with something you are not expecting. Be prepared you may not be able to make things right between the two of you straight away either. If your mom refuses to speak with you even after you have opened the door for her to let it all out you should give her space & let her cool off. Try to concentrate on the happy things that are happening in your life & I hope your mom comes around soon. It would be a shame for her to miss all the planning fun. Peace & Good Luck

Answer 6

First, I'm sorry you're experiencing this rejection from your mother. She is clearly upset about something and doesn't want to talk about it; but she has to. Corner her and ask her what's wrong. You can't do anything about it, if you don't know what it is. You may not be able to even then, but you will have made it clear you want to work this situation out. Remind her that you will both feel terrible later, if she doesn't participate in this moment in your life. Leave it to her whether she will be generous or not and focus on the emotional support you want and deserve. If she still puts up barriers, suggest she find an objective 3rd party (counselor) to whom she can present her case and get feedback. Good luck!

Answer 7

Your mother obviously has a lot issues. These issues can become your issues or not. Let it go. Buy your own dress, pay for your own wedding, etc. Don't beg her to be involved. Yeah, it'll hurt, but you're starting a new life now, so shake all the old stuff off and head off to the future resolute that you will never treat any of your kids the way she treated you. Mazel tov!

Answer 8

Its only fair for what your asking. I mean atleast she should go an look at dress's with you. I dont see why she wont let you stay at her house...she's not even living there and you'll pay rent and do the upkeep. thats more then fair...I would have a face to face talk with her.

Answer 9

well, i havent had this problem yet, but the house thing, mabe u could stay at your friend's house of your fiance's house. to help your mom, maybe you could send her a letter along with pictures of the two of you having fun. if she doesnt pay for or help pay for your dress, maybe you could get a part time job 2 help cover for it. and whatever you do, DO NOT buy a house! its not worth it. maybe you should give your mom some time and space, then see if you ould talk to her and spend some time together and tell her your feelings and problems.

Answer 10

i like it when one side of the story makes for victimization. let me ask you this, have you been the best daughter to have gotten along with over the last said 23 years? be honest with yourself and think back to all the times you put your mother through hell (and you have, i don't know you personally but i know you have) i bet you've even verbally expressed once or twice how you wanted out the house before you were able. now go forward twenty years and think about all the stuff your daughter's gonna put you through. would you be so quick to welcome her back in your life when she was once waiting for the day to be out of it? so long as you're not out of a house go through the struggle you allowed yourself to be put through. its a hard knock lesson you have to learn. now that you have bills racking up you wanna go back home to that safety net and recoup. that's not the way it works. be grown enough to sacrifice and struggle until you make it out of debt on your own. and who cares if your brother and sister got preferential treatment. the relationship is different. i'm not saying that your mother loves you less than the others, she just showing you something you need to learn about life. its tough. i'm sure if you totally get down on your luck she'll help you out. but as of now do it on your own and quit conveniently resorting to acting like her child when life gets hard.