when men get mad why do they bring everything up to hurt you?

Question

my bf left me a note this morning-he was mad at me about something-he said that if i will look at the bank statement he puts most of the money in the bank and pays most of the bills and he said some other things that i'm not going to mention-when i got the note i figured up half on the house bills (none of my personal bills) you know-phone bill, our cell phone bill, house insurance, light bill, and house payment-i called him and said if that's the way you want to be then just pay half on the house bills and don't put nothing in the account-if that's the way he wants to be that's fine-i never asked him for nothing but he is living in my house so he will pay half of utility bills and stuff...but when a man gets mad they just act on inmpulse-right then-before they cool down-and that was a mean letter-why do men do that?

you want to know why he was mad..
cause he found a carton of cigs in the car that i had bought and was bringing in a pack or two for him...he said i was treating him like a bum when i didn't bring the whole pack in...now what kind of big baby is that???

Answer 1

Men (all people really) do this when they are not finding value with themselves and thus can find no value in you. He is feeling unworthy in his life so he has to completely dominate you and blame you. It's really a shame. This behavior will end the relationship long term, and if you suppress you will embark on the road of damage. If you plan to stay in this relationship then you are going to have to armor yourself. You must find value in yourself at all costs-learn, experience, travel. People who are moving, doing, learning in there lives are exponentially more attractive to others sexually or otherwise. After doing that and being solid in yourself, then you can try to find value in your partner. When you know your value then you can start showing him his. If he can grasp what you are trying to do - then he will begin to value you and this behavior will stop. Life long relationships aren't about love and passion because they are fleeting. Life long relationships are about value. If you value your partner, you nurture not destroy.

Below is an interesting reference into soul psychology. I found that looking at people thru this framework really helped me understand and help them.

One last comment: Men find value and identity for themselves thru their work. Short and simple. Women on the other hand have the capability to find value and identity for themselves in their own work and also in their partners work. Work on your relationship with this dynamic in mind.

Good luck.

Answer 2

bring everything up? come on... girls are the ones with the encyclopedia knowledge of EVERY SINGLE THING we've done wrong since the BEGINNING of the relationship. usually the shoe is on the other foot, and you have to admit girl can be much more vicious than the guys...

so he brought up some stuff because he got mad... name one person who doesn't do that. everyone does it, and you're mad because HE got mad and did it? what was the complaint about anyway? you've stated that he got mad, why?

so far we have only heard your portion of the conversation and not the cause. if he got mad, did he have a good reason? or are you just trying to get sympathy from other people here?

if so, I'm pretty sure I'm not getting those 10 points for best answers, but stop trying to get an honest answer here if all you really want is sympathy. talk to one of your gf's... I'm sure you can vilify men all you want then.

Answer 3

Sound like he's acting very feminine! if you put most of your money into a joint account and someone else spends it on you, knowing the you also pay half of their bills, you'd be peeved too. But I guess that only women see things their way, when they want to, They never see things in the real light of what they do. How unfortunate for you You haven't learned to share! Your concentrating on the letter, when you should be looking at what you have done wrong, and ways of correcting it.

Answer 4

Men don't communicate effectively...

When forced into a situation that requires communication, impulse takes over...

The things they say have meaning but are usually out of context:

i.e. "I pay most of the bills and put most of the money in the account"

Could have something to do with being insulted by a comment you made about him not doing enough.
You may have meant emotionally, but he only looks at his worth in forms (finance, hard-work).

Anger from a man is almost always irrational, you'll have to do some detective work to find out why he said what he said...

Ask him what "you said" that upset him
and that will get you a little closer to understanding what the anger is all about.

Answer 5

I don't think it's exclusively male. I know I've said mean things to get even, to be hurtful, to bring the other person down, to make a point. It's not right, obviously, but human nature to hurt for being hurt, in my case. I hope your day goes better. Rather than being cold to your boy friend when you see him, go to him and give him a hug and say let's sit down and talk this over. If you are a cook, have a little meal ready when he comes home. Offer him his favorite beverage.

Answer 6

they do that because they know it will hurt you. most of the time they don't mean it, but do it because they are angry. even though i am a woman, i do that sometimes. i remember little things and bring them up when we fight. i know it's bad but at the time, i do it because i know it will hurt the other person.

if you are feeling upset about it, when things cool down, tell him that you hate when he does that, that you never say those things and basically how you feel and that you want it to stop

Answer 7

Amazing , I bet you think you are not a prejudicial person.If someone had ask you why do all blacks do this or why do all Mexicans do that you would be screaming about prejudicial statements and yet here you are making a blanket statement about all men.I am surprised he stays with one so prejudicial as you.

Answer 8

It's not only men. Women do it too. Trust me, I know I do. It's just the way things are. Sometimes we speak before we think or sometimes we just don't care. Try not to take it so personally. Sometimes you just have to ignore it.

Answer 9

If you love us, why can't you stay on the subject when you are mad at us when we screw up?

My wife dredges up things that happened 30 years ago, so everything is on the table.

If I am in pain, you will be in pain as well.

Answer 10

Because we are big babies and when we get a little hurt we have to bring it all on the table and kick ourselves for it later